Lecture Note Scrapbook for Analytical Writing

Introduction - mir-aedrees sekandari High School can be summed up using all of the loud parts of high school; the lunch table, the hallways, the games and the drama, however, I remember most vividly as weight. Not the dramatic kind of weight, however, the weight of daily life on my shoulders for such a long time that I no longer noticed it until I put my backpack down and my body would lift off the ground. I had actual physical objects in my backpack which were ordinary on the outside but strange and personal to me on the inside; a calculator with its buttons smoothed out from panic during math class, a three-inch binder full of sloppy notes and unfinished thoughts, and a laptop charger that seemed like an umbilical cord to me. I also carried things that cannot be photographed; perfectionism that made each assignment a judgment of my worth, a fear of falling behind that turned each free moment into guilt and an unwavering drive to prove to myself that I belonged in difficult courses (even on those days when I didn’t feel like I did). These pages aren’t a photo album of my high school experience. These pages document what I lost and what I gained. During my freshman year I struggled to understand and hid my confusion behind neatly written letters and well-defined goals. As a sophomore, I gained momentum, and learned that being considered "smart" isn’t about having some innate gift or talent – it’s about consistently showing up to do the work after a poor grade. My junior year, I carried a sense of urgency as deadline after deadline piled upon each other and I kept an ever-present mental tab open on whatever was due next. By senior year, I carried a different type of energy; a clear and quiet voice in my head that was able to distinguish between the pressure of doing great work and the pressure of breaking under the weight of it. Although the majority of the objects remained the same throughout the years, their meanings changed because I changed. Although my message is simple, it took four years to come to this realization. High School has taught me that success is not only what I have accomplished, but it is also what I have learned to carry without losing myself in the process. In addition to building a system to manage my stress, I have created a version of myself that is stronger, more honest, and more resilient in the face of adversity. The physical objects and figurative representations of them represent that I did not simply pass through high school, I was formed and molded by the experiences and pressures of it. item 1 literal: my calculator This calculator has developed a number of scars, including the corners where I have rushed it a couple of times, as well as very faint scratches on its screen which you can see when you tilt it. A couple of the buttons also feel slightly less firm than others due to the repeated use of my thumb. This calculator produces small clicks that I find oddly soothing when there is complete silence in the room — especially when I am taking a test. The calculator also has a finished appearance even when it is turned off. ​ → → As I reflect upon the early days of using this calculator, it represented how I initially viewed my education as an ongoing process of solving math-related problems (i.e., "perfect" performance). In addition, I used this calculator as a means to help me feel in control of both the problem and myself — regardless of whether or not I fully comprehended the underlying concepts of the problems that I solved. Over time, this calculator helped me learn something much more valuable than simply being able to perform math problems accurately. That is, that tools alone cannot provide true understanding — but tools can aid in the development of such understanding. For example, when I began to take more time reviewing my work, breaking down each step in detail rather than looking for quick ways around those steps, I noticed a change in my academic self-confidence from uncertain to confident. This calculator helped me grow from competent performance to developing competency. item 2 literal: my binder full of notes The binder is heavy because I do not ever throw anything away. When I quickly pull the binder apart, the rings will sometimes grab onto my fingers, pinching them. Inside the binder, the pages are all uneven, ranging from completely neat and organized to appearing as though they have been ravaged by a storm. There are coffee or water marks along some edges, serving as a testament that I did study in reality and not in a perfect world. It smells like paper, ink and stress. →The binder provided more than just information. It told the story of how I learned over the years. Initially, my notes were merely copies of what I heard from the teacher so that I could appear knowledgeable. As I transitioned toward searching for meaning, I stopped simply memorizing, and began to create questions, arrows and patterns within my notes. Looking back through older sections of the binder reminds me that I did not simply become "more advanced," I grew more honest about what I didn't know. The binder has positively affected my education in many ways. First, it has served as my personal archive and evidence that I can move from confusion to clarity if I stick with it long enough. Second, the binder has taught me that while organization is aesthetically pleasing, it is truly a matter of survival. item 3 literal: my laptop charger The charger has several bends in it from when it was folded or twisted to fit inside of a backpack or purse and there are areas where the cord still holds memory of stress. The plug gets warm when it has been used for long periods of time (like late at night) and is small enough to lose sight of until I really need it. While it is somewhat unattractive, it has gone wherever I have gone. →this charger is a representation of how much of my academic life rested upon my ability to remain connected and prepared. At one point or another each of the assignments (essays, research, slides, etc.) were completed while under a low battery warning. This charger taught me to always prepare for my next class because not having it would cause panic and result in lost time and additional disorganization. However, the charger also serves as an example of how I continued to push through fatigue to accomplish academic tasks and therefore viewed exhaustion as an expectation. The charger's significance is bittersweet, as it contributed to my academic successes but it also demonstrated how frequently I equated perseverance with excellence. By senior year, I learned to recharge myself as well as my laptop. item 1 figurative: perfectionism Perfectionism, for me, was a very strong sense of control over every paper I wrote prior to completion. Perfectionism appeared to be a constant voice telling me to move the finish line further and further away from where I stood. It seemed to appear in the form of rewriting sentences repeatedly until they lost their original intent. And once I finished a task, perfectionism created a temporary feeling of relief; however, that relief lasted approximately five minutes and was replaced with anxiety related to the next task or deadline. Although perfectionism was not visible, it served as an internal clock that regulated my pace on nearly every assignment. → Perfectionism forced me to work diligently throughout high school; however, it limited my thinking. I consistently chose to avoid risk, as I believed that it was impossible to achieve the best possible outcome without taking calculated steps. Therefore, perfectionism resulted in my viewing constructive feedback as negative criticism rather than as an opportunity to grow. Once I began to view drafts as drafts and errors as opportunities to learn from them, my quality of writing and testing greatly increased due to the mental space I created by accepting that it is okay to take risks. My entire high school experience was altered positively once I ceased evaluating my self-worth based on a single grade and began evaluating my growth through my response to obstacles. In essence, releasing perfectionism did not render me careless, it allowed me to become free enough to improve. item 2 figurative: the fear of falling behind ​ This fear was always present and audible in the background, much like a constant low humming noise I could not silence. Prior to entering my thoughts, this fear displayed itself in my calendar. It caused my weekends to seem as though they were borrowed time rather than time to rest. It sounded like the phrase "I'll do it later," followed by almost immediate guilt. It felt as though I was running, even when no one was pursuing me. →The fear of falling behind impacted my academics by making the process of attending school constantly urgent. On occasion, the urgency created by this fear assisted me in starting earlier and maintaining consistency. More often than not, the urgency caused me to study in a hasty manner, leading to shallow and draining attempts. I needed to realize that achieving an advantage on multiple assignments does not necessarily mean that I am not losing ground on my sleep and concentration. As soon as I developed reasonable schedules and chose to pursue quality over quantity, both my grades stabilized and my stress levels decreased. This change in perception transformed my definition of success from speed to sustainability. item 3 figurative: resilience ​ The ability to be resilient isn't always going to be loud – sometimes it's just repetition. It's attending classes even though you received a low score on a test and still opening up your textbook. Resilience can be the choice to keep working through the time when you are feeling very tempted to quit. Resilience is also the act of swallowing your pride to ask for help. Resilience will look like small amounts of incremental improvement each day which you might have trouble seeing from day to day but when looking back; you'll see the significant amount of work that has been done. →In the end, it was my resilience that allowed me to take ownership of my experience with academics. My resilience allowed me to see setbacks as temporary and not as a part of who I am (for example, getting one poor grade does not mean I will be horrible at that subject). Through my resilience, I created habits that would continue regardless of my motivation to do those tasks. Also, my resilience gave me the confidence to seek out difficult situations because I knew that I could overcome an obstacle if I failed. In the end, high school went from being a test of how talented I was, to showing the world how determined I was. Ultimately, this new perspective changed the story I tell about my educational experiences.