Advanced Communication Skills Guide Part 3

4 INTERNAL REPRESENTATION 4.1 INTRODUCTION Let’s start with an experiment. Read the word below: Elephant What happened when you read the word? What picture was generated in your mind? Did you see the large, gray animal in your head? Maybe just a part of the animal, like a trunk, tusks, ears, or feet? VAK is the order in which our brain processes communication. We visualize something before we can put words to it or describe how it feels. Chances are that you pictured some form of the animal in a visual image – you did not see the word ‘elephant’ spelled out in big black letters in your mind’s eye. This shows us that VAK is also the order in which our brain processes communication. Once you can picture the elephant (visual), you can imagine its sound (auditory). Try to imagine the trumpeting of an elephant without picturing the animal and you’ll find it’s not possible. Now notice that you can describe the elephant. You can tell someone what it looks like, describe it in detail, and, if you have ever touched an elephant or have any feelings about your imaginary elephant, you can share those as well (kinaesthetic). 4.2 INTERNAL REPRESENTATION OF OUR WORLD We all represent our experience of the world in our own unique way. Even if we observe the same events, receiving the same sensory inputs (sights, sounds, touch, tastes and smells), we filter them according to our existing beliefs. Consequently, the model of this that we make in our minds will be different for each of us. And all of our models will be different from reality, or: The map is not the territory. When we think about an experience, we recreate the sights, sounds and feelings that we originally perceived. We also have the ability to create inward sensations that we have never experienced “for real”. We can construct sights, sounds and feelings, which, in turn, assist us to makes our internal world visible, audible and tangible to others. It allows us to share a world of experience and to communicate abstract ideas, to understand and to be understood. Language gives us tremendous freedom. It does not necessarily limit our thoughts, but limits the expression of them to others and this can lead to misunderstandings in two ways: 1. The words we use may be inadequate to describe our thoughts and feelings. 2. Other people may not give the same meaning to the words that we give because they have different experiences. Language communicates events and experiences in ways that come from the construction of the language itself, rather than from the experience that gives rise to it – remember the pre-supposition– the map (words) is not the territory (sensory experience). In this sense, language is not real in the same way that experience is real. Confusing words with the experiences they represent leads to four misunderstandings: • We translate our experience into language and mistake the language for the experience when it is only an incomplete reflection. We may think our experience is constructed in the same way as the language we use to talk about it and act inside those limits – we allow the words to limit us. The words bar us from wider choice, understanding and action. • We mistakenly believe others share our assumption and so we leave out vital parts of our message. This often confuses others when we do not mean to. • We misunderstand others because we fill in gaps in their words from our model of the world, rather than finding out their model of the world. We wrongly think that because we share the same language, we share the same experience. • We tend to install our meaning or model of the world upon others. How often do you hear phrases like “That must have been…for you” or “I expect…happened to you”? Often, the speaker is mistakenly installing their own view or reaction upon the listener. 4.3 LANGUAGE AS A REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Just as we see, hear, taste, touch and smell the outside world, we recreate those same sensations in our mind, re-presenting the world to ourselves using our senses inwardly. We may either remember past experiences or imagine possible (or impossible) future experience. We can picture ourselves running for a bus (remembered visual image) or running across the surface of Mars wearing a Father Christmas outfit (constructed visual image). The first will have happened, the second will not – and you can represent both. There is a Representational System for each of our senses; this is the way we experience our world. What we actually perceive are representations of what each sensory organ transmits to us. There are two important principles about these representational systems: • During the process of building our models of the world, language is attached to our experiences. The collection of word symbols and the rules that govern their use make up a unique and distinct, sixth representational system. This is called our Auditory Digital (AD) system or how we talk to ourselves. It is not an analog system like the other representational systems and not related to any specific sensory organ. • We all continually make use of all of the representational systems, switching from one to another for different reasons throughout our day. Most people tend to favor one over another and process most communication in this manner. This is called our Primary Representational System, and can be recognized by physiology and predicates (preferred words of that system). We know that the three main channels of input in most person-to-person communications, at least at work, are visual, auditory, and kinaesthetic. But now we are going to look at the fact that each of us has a preferred way of receiving input. It is the way that we are most comfortable and capable with receiving information through. This is a general preference; we can and do change our preference from time to time in response to the environment or the needs of the situation at hand. But there is usually a dominate preference for one channel over the others. Each of us has a preferred ‘channel’ through which we best receive input – visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. It is a general preference, however, and may change in response to the environment or the particular situation at hand. One area in which it is easy to understand this preference is in learning. We each have a preferred learning style. For example: • If you prefer to learn by demonstration, you are probably a visual learner. • If you prefer to learn by listening to directions, listening to lectures, or reading, you are probably an auditory learner. • If you prefer to learn by doing something hands-on or by trying it yourself, you are probably a kinaesthetic learner. This is good to know because then you can maximize your potential for learning if you have others give you input in the way that works best for you. And, if you can learn how others prefer to receive input, you can deliver it to them in that mode as well. We call this ‘being on the same wavelength’ with someone else. Doing so takes basic communication to the next level because it makes you much more effective in getting your message across to the other party. Being able to communicate well helps to build additional rapport and improve relationships. So how can you determine a person’s preferred sensory channel for receiving input? If you are paying attention, the person will give you clues through their language and through their behavior. We’ll look at both verbal and nonverbal clues. 4.4 VERBAL CLUES As we said, the preferred channel for receiving input is not static – it can change from time to time and depending on what kind of input is being received. For example, we don’t ‘see’ music first – we hear it. If we are talking on the phone, we are using our auditory channel even if we have a general preference for the visual channel. So how can we determine which ‘channel’ the person is using during our communication with them? One way is to listen to the verbal clues they are giving us. The words that someone is using give you an indication as to which type of ‘mode’ they are in – visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. Or, they may use language that doesn’t clearly indicate which mode they are in, which we refer to as ‘unspecified.’ The words that someone uses can give you an indication as to which ‘mode’ they are thinking in – visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. Take a look at Figure 5 to get an idea of some of the common verbal language that people will use when they are in each form of internal representational thinking. If you respond using similar language, it is a signal to the other person that you are thinking similarly – that you are on the same ‘wavelength’ as they are. Visual Auditory Kinaesthetic Unspecified See Hear Fell Sense Look Listen Touch Experience View Sounds Grasp Understand Appear Make music Get hold of Think Show Harmonize Slip through Learn Dawn Tune in/out Catch on Process Reveal Be all ears Tap into Decide Envision Rings a bell Make contact Motivate Illuminate Silence Throw out Imagine Be heard Turn around Consider Change Clear Resonate Hard Perceive Foggy Deaf Unfeeling Insensitive Focused Loud Concrete Distinct Hazy Melody Get a handle on Know Picture Unhearing Solid Figure 5: Verbal Indications of Thinking ‘Modes’. You can see that the verbs that indicate action correspond to the way in which the person is perceiving that action. Some additional phrases that a person might use in each mode of thinking are shown in Figure 6 below: Visual Auditory Kinaesthetic An eyeful Afterthought All washed up Appears to me Beyond a shadow of a doubt Birds eye view Catch a glimpse of Clear cut Dim view Flashed on Blabbermouth Call on Clear as a bell Clearly expressed Describe in detail Earful Enquire into Boils down to Chip off the old block Come to grips with Control yourself Cool/calm/collected Firm foundations Get a handle on Visual Get a perspective on Get a scope on Auditory Give me your ear Give you a call Kinaesthetic Get a load of this Get in touch with Hazy idea Given amount of Get the drift of In light of Grant an audience Get your back up In person Heard voices Hand in hand In view of Hidden message Hand in there Looks like Hold your tongue Heated argument Make a scene Ideal talk Hold it Mental image Key note speaker Hold on Mental picture Loud and clear Hot head Minds eye Manner of speaking Keep your shirt on Naked eye Pay attention to Lay cards on the table Paint a picture Power of speech Pain in the neck See to it State your purpose Pull some strings Short sighted To tell the truth Sharp as a tack Showing off Tongue-tied Sight for sore eyes Tuned in/tuned out Staring off into space Unheard of Slipped my mind Smooth operator So-so Take a peak Utterly Start from scratch Tunnel vision Voiced an opinion Stiff upper lip Under your nose Well informed Stuffed shirt Up front Within hearing Too much hassle Well defined Word for word Topsy Turvy Figure 6: Common Phrases Used in Each Mode of Thinking. Now that you have a general understanding of how the words a person uses may indicate the mode in which they are currently thinking, let’s take a look at each mode in further detail. 4.5 VISUAL REPRESENTATION SYSTEM The visual representation system involves the process used to translate communication into pictures in the mind. You can determine whether a person tends to prefer this form of communication by identifying certain behavioural cues. These people: • Stand or sit with their heads and/or bodies erect, with their eyes up. • Are breathing from the top of their lungs and their upper shoulders and breathe fairly rapidly. • Often sit forward in their chair and tend to be organized, neat, well groomed and orderly. Appearance is important to them. • Memorize by seeing pictures, and are less distracted by noise. • Often have trouble remembering verbal instructions because their minds tend to wander. • Are fast talkers. • Feel that ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’. • Use picture descriptions during conversation. • Are interested in how things look. • Must see things to understand them. • Like visually-based feedback. • Use gestures that may be high & quick. 4.6 AUDITORY REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Those with a preference for an auditory representational system tend to prefer to translate communication into sound. Indications that you have someone who prefers this system are that they: • • • • • • • • • • Will move their eyes sideways. Breathe from the middle of their chest. Typically talk to themselves and some even move their lips when they talk to themselves. Are easily distracted by noise. Can repeat things back to you easily. Learn by listening. Usually like music and talking on the phone. Memorize by steps, procedures, and sequences. Like to be TOLD how they’re doing. Respond to a certain tone of voice or set of words. • • • • 4.7 Will be interested in what you have to say about a topic. Are medium to fast talkers. Translate conversation to sounds associated with the topic. Are excellent at repeating back instructions. KINAESTHETIC REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Those that prefer a kinaesthetic representational system check the input they receive in communication against what they are feeling. Some indications that you are communicating with someone who prefers this system are: • They breathe from the bottom of their lungs, so you’ll see their stomach go in and out when they breathe. • They often move and talk very slowly. • They respond to physical rewards and touching. • They also stand closer to people than a visual person does. • They memorize by doing or walking through something. • They will be interested in your idea if it “feels right.” 33 • • • • 4.8 They They They They check out their feelings prior to expressing their thoughts. are very physical people and like to touch during conversation. like to walk through something before doing it. use gestures that are low and smooth. AUDITORY DIGITAL REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Finally, we can’t forget about the representational system that we all use at some time – checking communication internally by talking to ourselves. People who are functioning in this system will exhibit some indications as well, such as: • • • • • • 4.9 Spending a fair amount of time talking to themselves. Wanting to know if your idea “makes sense.” Speaking in a clipped, crisp monotone. Breathing patterns like a person who prefers auditory, higher up in the chest. Dissociated from feelings. The auditory digital person can exhibit characteristics of the other major representational systems. EYE MOVEMENTS AS AN INDICATION In the late seventies and early eighties researchers discovered that people move their eyes in a certain way when they think. Students were asked a series of questions and the researchers noticed that their eye movements, when thinking, followed a structured pattern. They realized that by looking at someone’s eyes, you could tell how they think, at least how they are thinking at the moment. Figure 7 below demonstrates that you can tell the way they are constructing their thoughts by watching their eyes. Imagine you are facing the person in the figure to understand the directions of the eye movement. Visual Construct Visual Recall Auditory Construct Auditory Recall Feelings Internal Auditory Figure 7: Eye Movements as Indicators. The basic guideline is that when: • People are looking up – They are visualising. • People look horizontally to the left and right – They are remembering or constructing sounds. • People look down and to their left – They are talking to themselves. • People look down and to the right – They are accessing their feelings. Let’s examine the phrases presented in the diagram as well as how you might respond to someone when you have determined what their eye movements are telling you. 4.9.1 VISUAL RECALL This is when you are seeing images from the past. You are recalling them from memory because they are things that you have seen before. You are using this type of thinking when you answer questions like: “What did your curtains look like in your room when you were a teenager?” “What did your first car look like?” 4.9.2 VISUAL CONSTRUCT You are using visual construct when you are visualizing something you have never seen before or you are making something up in your head. To exercise this method of thinking, ask yourself questions like: “What would your car look like if it was painted a different color?” “What would your house look like if it were painted red?” “What would you look like if you lost 20 kg in weight?” “If a map is upside down, which direction is SE?” 4.9.3 AUDITORY RECALL This is when you remember sounds or voices that you have heard before or things that you have said to yourself before. When you ask someone “What was the last thing I said?” they normally look in the direction indicated in Figure 7. You use this mode when you answer questions like: “Can you remember the sound of your father’s voice?” “Can you remember what you said to yourself when you did that?” “What was the last thing I said?” 4.9.4 AUDITORY CONSTRUCT This is when you are making sounds up that you have never heard before. You use this when you answer questions like: “What would the national anthem sound like if it were played on the flute?” “What would I sound like if I were fluent in Spanish?” “When you talk to yourself where does the sound come from?” 4.9.5 KINAESTHETIC When you are accessing your feelings you tend to look in this direction. You use this type of thinking when you answer questions like: “What does it feel like to touch sand paper?” “What does it feel like to be happy?” 4.9.6 INTERNAL AUDITORY This is where your eyes go when you are having internal dialogue and talking to yourself. You can demonstrate this for yourself by answering the following questions: “What do you say to yourself when things go wrong?” “Can you hear your favorite piece of music in your mind?” This is one way that body language can help you to understand how to communicate with another person because the eyes are often the key to knowing what ‘wavelength’ the other person is on at that moment, and through which form of communication they are likely to best understand what you have to say. We’ll look at more body language techniques later on. 4.10 PHRASES FOR USE IN RESPONSE TO EACH REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEM Once you have identified the representational system that the person is using to communicate to you, you can use that information in determining how you want to respond to the other person. The following are some examples of how you might use this information in responding to someone you’ve identified as using each representational system. VISUAL Sample sentences: If I could show you an attractive way in which you could have whatever you want, you would at least want to look at it, wouldn’t you? If this looks good to you we will go ahead and focus on getting the paperwork done. Other phrases to use: • • • • • It looks to me like… Show me what you mean… It appears that… Picture this… Let’s focus on… AUDITORY Sample sentences: If I could tell you a way in which you could have whatever you want, you would at least want to hear about it, wouldn’t you? If this sounds good to you we will go ahead and discuss how to set up an account. Other phrases to use: • • • • I hear what you are saying, and it sounds to me like… Tell me more about that… Let’s make it loud and clear what we mean… What you’re saying rings true… KINAESTHETIC Sample sentences: If I could help you get hold of a concrete way in which you know you could have whatever you want, you would at least want to get a feel for it, wouldn’t you? If this feels good to you we will go ahead and set up an account by handling the paperwork. Other phrases to use: • I think you’re getting a handle on it… • We need to stress the pressure we’re under… • Once we get a grip on these numbers you’ll be in good hands…