10 Essay Samples with Commentary

Essay 1 Rating: 97 Technology has highly evolved over time. In fact, nowadays almost everybody has some sort of machine at hand, be it computers, cars, or even washing machines. But although machinery was devised to benefit mankind, it has also brought along many flaws to match. Firstly, when it comes to technological equipment such as computers, disruption most often arises between the person using the computer, and the household he or she is surrounded by, or living with. For example, many old family traditions such as eating meals with your relatives at the dining table seldom take place now that one of the family members might be too busy working on his Mac. laptop. Thus, family values and morals have changed in order to adapt to this technological age. Secondly, having many kinds of machinery at hand is not only destroying family traditions, but is also very harmful to our environment. Many people are careless about allowing their car engines to run haphazardly, or leaving their laptops on for long periods of time, however they do not seem aware of the fact that all this energy and electricity consumption is dangerous to not only our local environment, but to the world as a whole. Additionally, it is the over-usage of machinery, big or small that is bringing our society ever closer to Global Warming, and we must stop. As I mentioned in my introduction, technological equipment was never programmed to damage nature per se, but to help people all around the globe. Now that nuclear families aren’t as closely intact compared to the 1950s or 1990s, technology has given us an alternative method to keep in touch with our relatives thanks to computer applications such as Skype, or even cell phone applications such as VIBER or WhatsApp. Machinery has most definitely done wonders in our lives, and we as people should be grateful to easily possess cars, and/or phones when poorer countries do not even have the chance to. However, with all the advantages machinery has brought to us all, I personally believe that possessing too many cars or phones, or even consuming too much of their energy and battery, is beginning to get out of hand and needs to be controlled. Commentary on Essay 1 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: Machines now play an important role in most people’s lives. Computers, cars, and household machines (such as washing machines) have become very common. What are the advantages and disadvantages of having so many machines in people’s lives? Use specific examples in your answer. Essay 1 would be awarded a score of 97. It is a polished piece of writing that thoroughly develops the topic of the prompt, far beyond the superficial level, and acknowledges its complexity. Syntactic control is very strong in this essay. The writer demonstrates consistent control over complex and varied syntactic structures, and the response is essentially error free. There is a wide range of appropriately used vocabulary. The essay is also very cohesive. The writer builds the argument not through a reliance simply on the use of mechanical transition markers, but in a much more sophisticated way, developing each supporting point richly and connecting the ideas together so that the essay reads smoothly. It is very easy for the reader to follow the development of the ideas in the text. Essay 2 Rating: 93 It is true that medical doctors are health professionals whose roles are of great importance in the society. They are usually educated and people generally look up to them to take good care of their health issues. In fact, whether people live or die depends to a very great extend on the doctors in charge of their health situations, depending on how serious they are. Almost every one wants a doctor that is vastly knowledgeable in the medical field, especially those with many years of experience. Although I agree that the level of education of a medical doctor is of much importance for a doctor to be regarded as a “good medical doctor”, I am also of the opinion that that is not the only criterion for a doctor to be regarded as a “good medical doctor”. Character and the integrity of the person contribute to a large extend. I am also of the view that a medical doctor should be a very responsible person in the society because alot of people tend to emulate them. Young adults usually look forward to becoming medical doctors in the future. That being the case, they tend to copy the behaviours of medical doctors they know. The country where I come from, Nigeria, where the health system has some issues, some medical doctors who lack good character and do not care about their integrity can, because a patient does not have enough money to pay their medical bills, walk away from a dying patient. During oath taking, these doctors state that they will put patients first before any thing, but some of them do not keep up with this. Although I agree that doctors in the third world countries usually face some challenges, I am still of the opinion that when it comes to saving a patient’s life, a good medical doctor should always swing into action. In Canada, though I have stayed here for just a year, I think many of their doctors can be regarded as “good doctors” from the little I have seen. In conclusion, I believe that a well educated doctor without a good character and integrity and also without a passion to save lives is as good as a “bad doctor” since, with his education but with love for money rather than love for his patient’s lives, can still lead to the loss of lives. Commentary on Essay 2 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: Different people value different qualities in a medical doctor. Everyone wants a welleducated and knowledgeable doctor, but what other qualities should a good medical doctor have? Explain why these are important. Essay 2 would be awarded a score of 93. The writer has produced a lengthy and on-target response that is very readable. The essay effectively addresses the complexity of the prompt. The writer employs an impressively wide range of syntactic structures flexibly to build coherence and cohesion and create a fluent style that includes control of emphasis. The writer has generally good control over syntax and vocabulary. There are a few cases of slightly awkward vocabulary use (“vastly knowledgeable,” “do not keep up with this”) and a number of minor errors with mechanics that detract slightly from the overall impression created by this excellent essay. Essay 3 Rating: 87 Traveling and visiting new countries can be an extremely thrilling experience. I usually prefer to take guided tours to explore a new destination. By doing that I get a chance to visit its most significant landmarks, get to meet tourists from other countries and learn about the city’s most popular and authentic restaurants. Upon joining professional excursions, tourists discover the prominent cultural and historical buildings in cities, such as churches, monuments, parks, and palaces. The tours are usually organized to cover most of these important places. For example, when I visited Dubai last year, I joined the “Big Bus Tour” to explore this amazing city. While visiting the Dubai Musuem, I learned that this chief city was only built sixty years ago. Haven’t I taken such a guided tour, I wouldn’t have known this fact about this metropolis city. The other reason to prompt me in taking tour buses is the opportunity to meet other tourists. sharing the experience and spending time together gets you close to other people from different nationalities. This in return provides you with the chance of learning about other cultures and maybe building frienships with them. As an example, while touring in Mexico two years ago, I was acquainted to tourists from various cultures and learned a lot about each other. Another important factor to encourage me on taking bus tours is learning about the city’s most popular restaurants. Although brochures and flyers usually contain such information, yet tour guides who live in they cities recommend more authentic local places. As an example, one of the best meals I tried was at a local restaurants in Mexico City where the guide advised us to go. It was a meal to remember. In conclusion, taking professional excursions is worth the cost of it. You get to visit all the salient landmarks, learn about other cultures and get familiar with popular restaurants. Commentary on Essay 3 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: When visiting a new city or country, some people like to go on group tours led by professional tour guides. Others prefer to explore new places on their own. Which do you prefer? Give reasons and examples to support your opinion. Essay 3 would be awarded a score of 87. The topic development for this essay is very good. The writer provides a clear opinion and a large amount of supporting detail within the response. The content is directly relevant to the prompt. The writer demonstrates consistent control over simple sentence structures. More complex constructions are not always successful (“Haven’t I taken such a guided tour”), but the errors are relatively few and not distracting. The vocabulary used in the response is prompt specific but there is not a lot of low-frequency vocabulary produced. Where low-frequency vocabulary is used it is not always correct (“acquainted to”). Overall, this essay was awarded a score of 87 because of its excellent topic development and control over sentence structure. It does not merit a higher score because of the quantity of error and limited use of low-frequency vocabulary. Essay 4 Rating: 83 Working Part-time Jobs Part-time jobs are very common nowadays. I, myself, work part-time since I have to go to school part-time as well. I think a lot of people opt for working part-time because of time flexibility and we would still be able to attend to other things that are important in our day to day living. A clear advantage of having several part-time jobs is for people to be developed in the different areas where they are working. If one has several jobs, he or she will be able to meet several people and supervisors that will expose them to different challenges and learnings. Another advantage of having several part-time jobs, is an opportunity to find out what you really want as an occupation in life. This may be a stepping stone for you to be able to discover yourself more in terms of your abilities and skills. Lastly, I think having several jobs will make you earn more money than having a full-time job. This is because in a full-time job, you are only entitled for a specific number of hours at work and sometimes, employers don’t give overtime pays. The disadvantage on the other hand, is that most of the part-time jobs do not offer benefits to its employees. Also, you have to adjust with your workmates from one workplace to another. It will also be difficult if you have two or three jobs in a day and you don’t have your own car. Commuting from one workplace to another can be very exhausting. In conclusion, I would say that I’m in favor of having several parttime jobs rather than one full-time job. My decision is mainly in line with my current situation. I need to go to school and at the same time, work for my family. Having part-time jobs will be very beneficial for me since I can arrange my schedule with my employer. Also, based on my own experience, I enjoy meeting and working with people from different walks of life. I was able to gain friends which I think is very essential to be able to adapt easily in a country that is different from yours. Commentary on Essay 4 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: In many countries it is becoming more common for people to have several part-time jobs instead of one full-time job. What are the advantages and disadvantages of working parttime jobs? Give examples to support your ideas. Essay 4 would be awarded a score of 83. The essay is very straightforward and easy to understand, and it addresses both sides of the topic successfully. The writer clearly separates different points into distinct paragraphs, and the organizational pattern is transparent to the reader, contributing to its readability. A limitation is the relatively thin development. The second paragraph is convincing, but after that, disadvantages are listed with only limited support and discussion. The range and accuracy of the syntactic structures and vocabulary contribute to the development of ideas. Sentences are varied in length and complexity; vocabulary is broad and generally accurately used. Essay 5 Rating: 77 With the developement of our society, people’s lifestyle change from day to day. It has become more common for people to have different part-time jobs. Compared this trend with before, some people start wondering whether it is good or bad for people to have many jobs at the same time. However, in my opinion, I think part-time job is a double sides sword. It has its own advantages and disadvantages. For some people, part-time jobs provide them an oppotunity to do things they are actually interested in. Also, it offers the possibility to earn more money at the same time. But for other people, part-time jobs are time-consuming and they cost many energy to do so many jobs at the same time period. The most important advantage of part-time jobs is that they provide an oppotunity for people to try different things. Taking my brother as an example, he works in a bank as a teller, but he has seen many videos about bartender, so he decides to be a bartender at night. This job extends his sight and provides him a chance to fulfill his dream. Speaking of dreams, part-time jobs also offer people a chance to earn more money. Part-time jobs are the best path for someone who needed money. Although it takes time, people could still benefit from the work they did. In our society, many people take part-time jobs in order to make enough money to pay bills or pay for their kids tuition. However, as we all know, it takes time and energy to do so many jobs. This is the most disadvantage of part-time jobs. People get tired and stressed because of their work. They don’t have time with families. All they want to do is finishing the job and sleep. If a father takes several part-time jobs, it may influence on his children. His children may lack of love and they may become a workacholic person in the future. Taking all these factors into account, we may draw a conclusion that part-time can do good things in your life, but it can also destroy your time in life. We may have to think about what are we pursuing in our lives before we bury into the work. Money is important, but family and life are much worth for us. Time is not coming back. Commentary on Essay 5 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: In many countries it is becoming more common for people to have several part-time jobs instead of one full-time job. What are the advantages and disadvantages of working parttime jobs? Give examples to support your ideas. Essay 5 would be awarded a score of 77. It is a cohesive piece of writing that is well organized and on topic. The writer has the linguistic and rhetorical resources to address both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic and end with a logical conclusion. The writer uses both simple and complex syntactic structures, but the control of syntax is uneven. Some sentences are error free but others contain distracting morphological mistakes (“people’s lifestyle change,” “Compared this trend with before,” “someone who needed money”). The vocabulary is adequate to convey the author’s ideas clearly but is not always appropriately used. The essay has instances of successful use of lexical phrases (“it takes time and energy”) and others where vocabulary is awkward or incorrect (“extends his sight”). Overall, this essay is a clear 77. Development is good, and the whole text builds logically, although uneven control of syntax and vocabulary detracts from the overall impression created by the essay. Essay 6 Rating: 73 I agree the government policy of all of the citizens should learn two foreign languages. The world is getting more closer than before. It is very easy for us to travel to another country. Students can go to another country for study. Business man can find a parnet from other country to improve thir business. Also, there are more and more information can find on the internet. All of these are base on languages. There are more and more students travel to another country for study. They travel to another country because they want learn other language. If the students can speak more languages, then they can talk to someone easier, and also can learn more. Also, they can make some friends easily. These are the advantages for learing more languages. International business is getting common. There are more and more companines located in whole world. If the boss of the company can speak more than one language, then the boss can find some parnets from different countries, then the boss can have a successful business easily. Learning two languages is also good for the people who is working. There are more and more information can find on the internet. Some people will translate the information into their language. But sometimes they will lose some important information. If we can know other language, then we can find more resources for the information, and also more detail. Learning more languages can also learn more knowledges. Learning two or more languages is good for us. We can go to other country for study, boss of the company can try to improve the company becomes a international company, and also we can learn more on the internet. There are the advantges of learning more than one languages. So I agree the government policy of all of citizens should learn two foreign languages. Commentary on Essay 6 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: In some countries, the government policy is that all citizens should learn two foreign languages. Do you think this is a reasonable policy? Or do you think that other subjects should be a priority in school? Please use reasons and examples to support your opinion. Essay 6 would be awarded a score of 73. The response is directly relevant to the prompt, and the topic is developed with an introduction, several supporting reasons and examples, and a conclusion. The writer generally relies on simple sentence structures. Limitations in syntactic range make connections between sentences choppy. The reader can easily derive meaning from the essay, but errorfree sentences are rare. However, although errors are frequent, they do not prevent the reader from understanding the text as a whole. Overall, this essay is a clear 73. It is adequately developed and organized, and meaning is clear. However, the degree of inaccuracy of syntax and vocabulary means it cannot be awarded a higher score. Essay 7 Rating: 67 It is widely accepted that most people want their doctors who had graduated famous university and well-educated. It is associated with people’s life directly being treated perfectly. However, there are more important factors which affect people’s condition in the hospital. The first thing is ability of explaination about patient’s condition and progress. Whenever we are being admitted to the hospital, we are usually afraid of our next step. Besides, after we experienced big operation or procedure, we want to know our current state and how to cope with the future. Even though the doctors are very knowledgeble and skillful, most patients feel scare when they do not being supported by doctor’s explaination. Secondly, doctors should be warm. It is very important to treat the patient’s inner side. It could be huge encouragement people those who are suffer with incurable disease. We can not live without human beings. By time goes by, our society have changed like factory. To sum up, doctors who are living in modern society, should have warm heart and treat the patient like their family. Commentary on Essay 7 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: Different people value different qualities in a medical doctor. Everyone wants a welleducated and knowledgeable doctor, but what other qualities should a good medical doctor have? Explain why these are important. Essay 7 would be awarded a score of 67. The writing performance in this response is uneven. The language in the first paragraph indicates that the writer has control over sentence level syntax and is able to connect sentences together in a meaningful way. After the first paragraph, the writer loses control over organizing ideas, and the essay becomes disjointed. Topic development is incomplete. The language (syntax and vocabulary) used in the first paragraph is more complex and accurate than typically seen in essays rated 67. Intersentential marking devices are well-used, and the first paragraph is cohesive, despite some grammar errors. However, after the first paragraph, there is much less control over syntax, and there is little connection of ideas across sentences. The reader needs to reformulate meaning in order to understand this part of the composition. The writer is not able to perform consistently at the level demonstrated in the first paragraph. Essay 8 Rating: 63 People say that water is the original energy. We can see it everywhere and we use it everyday It seems like everything need water. for their life, as energy of large number Water always play a good role in our world. We use water clean the clothes , people need drink water to be energy for them., Sometimes Water of river and ocean can be a transportation to help people transport the woods we need the good role everyday. for everyone as the most important energy. But everything has two sides. Water also has the bad side sometimes like when the rain keep a long time as usual of the beginning it will be a disaster to break people’s nomal life and houses. If we didn’t cherish water environment They will turn dirty and become pollution then we couldn’t drink it. At last. Water give us life and available to use we should grateful for it. and save water everytime Trying to protect water clean. Commentary on Essay 8 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: There are many different energy sources (for example, sun, wind, oil water, natural gas, coal, nuclear fission, etc.). Pick one such source and discuss its advantages and disadvantages. You might consider availability, safety, geographical location, etc. Essay 8 would be awarded a score of 63. The response is relevant to the prompt but development is very limited. The writer demonstrates some awareness of organizational knowledge, as there is an attempt to build supporting paragraphs from the introduction and then a short conclusion. Although the essay demonstrates developing awareness of organizational knowledge, reader effort is required to process most of the sentences for meaning. Simple syntactic structures are present but with many errors that obscure meaning. Vocabulary is often inaccurately used. Punctuation errors are frequent and significant. Overall, this essay is clearly a 63 because although there is some control over organization, errors predominate, and the sentences still require rereading and considerable reader effort to process for meaning. Essay 9 Rating: 57 Alot of people and any body in the world can’t life with out water, Because have many reson to this why. I will try to informaiton some reson in this topic. The first reson since build on development in the life the water is availbilty Because that is very important to life and do anything in this life. The water is avilbilty ander the land and come in the sky also the god is who put the water in the world. Should to safe this source. Althou from alot of this Source in the world. the water have many advantages the flower and the animal used this Source every day. the secund thing alot of people life with water in home and when we need clean something and used it in the day or every day that is good for them and all of all the water we can’t any body life without water. I hope the TV. and news peaper watch or write something for learn the people who can safe the water. Commentary on Essay 9 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: There are many different energy sources (for example, sun, wind, oil water, natural gas, coal, nuclear fission, etc.). Pick one such source and discuss its advantages and disadvantages. You might consider availability, safety, geographical location, etc. Essay 9 would be awarded a score of 57. The essay is unusually long for a response at this score point, but it is difficult to understand what the writer is trying to say. There is little syntactic control; the writer is not able to produce simple sentences. Vocabulary is used incorrectly. The writer has attempted to organize the response with the use of discourse markers (“The first reason,” “the second thing”) but these phrases do not really assist the reader in deriving meaning from the composition. Although the topic is developed in a way that is generally related to the prompt, the language is so difficult to process for meaning that it cannot be awarded a score any higher than 57. Essay 10 Rating: 53 Safety Sun The sun in summer very hot on diffenert city. Safety sun ware sunglasses with cap because the broblem eyes with haedeache. Keeb the liett colore the t.shert don’t ware the durek colore because the liett colore wiathe and yallow don’t keed or save hot suning.the durak colore black this. is save hot suning. summer a’everybady go to sea because this is cold sea. in baeche everybody ware tank with shoret. After swimming in sea don’t sit in sun because the durek skin. The safety after swimming keeb shawer in batheroom. because sea in more solg the solg keeb the durek skin. Commentary on Essay 10 The writing prompt this test taker wrote on was: There are many different energy sources (for example, sun, wind, oil water, natural gas, coal, nuclear fission, etc.). Pick one such source and discuss its advantages and disadvantages. You might consider availability, safety, geographical location, etc. Essay 10 would be awarded a score of 53. The writer may have misunderstood the prompt, but this is an original piece of writing. It is clearly not rehearsed, so it is an attempted response to the prompt. The essay is quite long compared to many responses at this score point. Even at the sentence level, it is very difficult for a reader to derive any meaning from the response. The writer is not able to connect words together to produce a meaningful sentence. There is no control over paragraphing, but the writer can use punctuation and capitals to indicate sentence boundaries. Spelling is distracting, with many words at first seeming indecipherable. The reader has to guess at the meaning of many misspelled words (“liett,” “durek,” “shoret”).