Love and Choosing a Life Partner (Guide)

Love and Choosing a Life Partner Chapter Outline 1.Love and Commitment 2.Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner 3.Assortative Mating: A Filtering Out Process 4.Heterogamy in Relationships 5.Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment 6.Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble 7.The Possibility of Breaking Up 8.Nurturing Loving and Committed Relationships Love and Commitment 1.Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting and staying married 2.Loving involves the acceptance of partners for themselves. 3.Loving requires empathy and commitment. 4.Commitment is characterized by willingness to work through 5.problems and conflicts as opposed to quitting when problems arise; it involves consciously investing in the relationship. Defining Love 1.Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times 2.They express themselves freely. 3.They do not see problems as indications that their relationship is over 4.They work to maintain their relationship. Gender Differences in Love 1.Though love is thought to be the domain of women, recent research suggests that some boys are becoming less focused on casual sex and more on romance. 2.Women are more resilient when it comes to love and breakups. 3.Despite gendered expectations, love is important and meaningful to men. “Romantic rituals” are often required of men. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: 1.Intimacy – close, connected feelings. 2.Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. 3.Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love. 4.Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade. 5.Intimacy develops more slowly. 6.Commitment develops more gradually still. Consummate Love 1.Composed of all three components, is “complete love, …a kind of love toward which many of us strive, especially in romantic relationships.” Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships 1.A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship 2.An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner. 3.An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy. Facts about Families: Six Love Styles Eros-Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires. Storge-An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals. Pragma-Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Agape-Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice. Ludus-Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship. Mania-Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable. Three Things Love Is Not 1.Martyring 2.Manipulating 3.Limerence Love Isn’t Martyring 1.Martyring involves maintaining relationships by consistently minimizing one’s own needs while trying to satisfy a partner’s needs. 2.Martyrs may have good intentions, but may also feel helpless and grow angry and resentful. 3.Martyring is damaging to a relationship because it prevents openness and intimacy. Love Isn’t Manipulation 1.Manipulating means working to control feelings, attitudes, and behavior of a partner in underhanded ways. 2.When not getting their way, manipulators are likely to find fault with a partner. 3.You don’t really love me” is a common statement of manipulators when not getting their way. 4.Manipulating can destroy a relationship. Love Isn’t Limerence 1.Limerence is more than lust or physical attraction. 2.People in limerence fantasize about being with the limerent object in many situations. 3.Limerence has biochemical origins and is linked to dopamine. 4.Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t. Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner 1.Settling on a mate is a complex process. 2.Individuals enter the marriage market armed with resources—personal and social characteristics—and then bargain for the best “buy” they can get. Arranged Marriages 1.Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Asia and Africa. 2.Assisted marriages have become more common today. Children marry only when they themselves accept their parents’ choice. 3.Couples in arranged marriages are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage. 4.Some studies indicate that satisfaction among couples with arranged marriages have no differences in marital satisfaction than couples who married for love. Free-choice Culture The United States is an example of a free-choice culture: A.People choose their own mates, although typically they seek parents’ and other family members’ support for their decision. Marriage 1.In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on assets such as status, possessions, and dowry. 2.In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form of bargaining, weighing the costs and benefits of personal characteristics, economic status, and education. Social Exchange 1.The ideas of bargaining resources in relationships come to us from exchange theory. 2.Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly. 3.In romantic relationships, individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc. 4.Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc.