Advanced Communication Skills Guide Part 2

• Mike is sitting with his arms crossed over his chest. His head is tilted down and away from you. His finger is tapping his arm in a fast, erratic manner. • Jane is sitting back in her chair with her arms crossed behind her head. She is smiling at you and nodding her head from time to time as you speak. • Dave is standing close to you at an angle. He is speaking just above a whisper and in a strained voice. He makes quick, sharp movements with his hands. • Marci is presenting to the marketing team. She is swaying back and forth, her hands keep changing positions, and she seems to keep absent-mindedly touching her hair. • Regina is sitting at the conference table in a meeting. Her legs are crossed and the leg that is on the floor is bouncing up and down at a rapid pace. She is sitting forward in her chair with her pen tapping on the table. We instinctively recognize what body language is telling us. We can picture these people and their behaviors from the short description here and without hearing a word from them, we have a pretty good idea of how they are feeling about the situation or about what we are saying to them. 2.3.2 VERBAL COMMUNICATION The third communication element is verbal communication. Believe it or not, it is actually the least impactful element in face-to-face communication. The old adage is true – it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it that counts. Of course, this is a bit simplified. We do want to use verbal communications, the words we choose, to our best advantage. You would definitely make a different impression if you curse during your presentation than if you don’t. Choosing our words carefully is a way to enhance our message, but we should remember that it is not the most important part of the message. We should not neglect to pay attention to the non-verbal elements. But what about when we are limited to using only verbal communication? Given that we know that face-to-face communication delivers the most complete message, we know that verbal communication alone can be challenging in creating effective communication. We know that verbal communication alone can be challenging in creating effective communication. You might think that talking on the telephone or sending off a quick email is an excellent time saver. There are times when this is true. For example, when confirming specific facts or asking simple questions. But for many communication needs, verbal communication only will not suffice. 2.4 TAKING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO THE NEXT LEVEL This chapter has given you a brief review of the communications process and the elements of communication. The remainder of the ebook will focus on ways to enhance your existing skills in these areas so that you will not just be able to communicate with another person, but you will be fully aware of the mechanics of what is happening during that communication process. You will then be able to make choices in how you communicate in order to help influence the direction that the communication takes, improve the depth and quality of communication, and improve your persuasion skills. 3 3.1 EXAMINING THE COMMUNICATIONS PROCESS INTRODUCTION In the last chapter, we examined the stages of communication. In this chapter, we’ll look further at what the actual mechanisms of communication include and how you can use that information to improve your ability to communicate. We’ll look at the communication process again from the standpoint of how your message is formed in your brain, how it is received in the other person’s brain, and what happens in between these stages. We’ll look at the ways that our own experiences have impacted our ability to communicate and we’ll look for ways to identify the filters that other people have as well. The process we’ll be examining is shown in Figure 4 below: TYPES OF INPUT Kinaesthetic Auditory Gustatory Visual Olfactory Received by the Brain Affected by Filters Creates Internal Map Creates Internal State Leads to Behaviour and Response Figure 4: How Information Moves through the Brain. Figure 4 shows us that communication starts with input – what I say to you, or the email I send to you, or you see the angry look on my face. You interpret that input through filters that are made up of your experiences, history, prejudices, and more. That interpretation creates what we call an ‘internal map’ of meaning. It’s made up of the pictures you see in your mind. The map is how your brain processes and makes sense of the filtered input. If it recognizes the input, as in, if you’ve seen me make that face before, you are able to easily map out what is happening. You would probably start picturing me yelling at you, or sensing how you are about to feel. That map generates a state of being within your mind. You might suddenly be in a state of mind such as anger, fear, resistance, or any other emotion and associated thoughts. That state of being will then lead to your behavior and your response to me. Will you scowl back at me? Ask what’s wrong? Run away? Let’s look at each element of this process in more detail before examining why they matter for advanced communication skills. 3.2 TYPES OF INPUT The brain is constantly bombarded by input. Some of it we process consciously, such as when we read a book or listen to another person. And some of it we process unconsciously, without thinking about it in order to do so. There are other bits of information that our brain won’t process simply because it is not important or it would result in information overload. Imagine sitting in a crowd of 1,000 people and trying to hear everything they are saying. Notice that it’s impossible to understand and process everything that you’re seeing and hearing. Now try listening just to one person standing near you. As long as you can hear their voice, you can understand and process the information. Some input we process consciously, some we process subconsciously, and some we ignore. The brain receives this information in the form of input through five main channels that are represented by the five senses: • • • • • Visual – what we see. Auditory – what we hear. Kinaesthetic – what we feel, touch, sense, or experience. Gustatory – what we taste. Olfactory – what we smell. In business communications, the chances are good that you will not be using the latter two senses. They might be used if you produce food or beverages, or your olfactory sense could be used if you make perfume or to alert you to danger such as a fire. But in general, you will be communicating in the workplace with the first three types of input: Visual, Auditory, and Kinaesthetic. These three are often referred to as VAK for the sake of simplicity. The three input types of Visual, Auditory, and Kinaesthetic are often referred to as VAK. 3.3 FILTERS Our mental filters are just what they sound like – filters our brain uses to process input. As our brain receives information, the intended meaning of that information may be changed by our filters so that the result is not the same as the original intention. The way we will interpret the information is dependent on our own personal filters. Everyone has different filters that will affect how the input reaches the brain. But these filters will cause your brain to do one of three things: • Delete – this information will not be processed because it is filtered out as unimportant or not acceptable. • Distort – most filters will distort information so that the meaning the receiver applies to the input is not the same meaning that input would have for a different receiver. The meaning is shaded, changed, or added to by our filters. • Generalize – in this case, our filters identify input as being similar to something we’ve experienced before. The brain then applies the same meaning to this input as it did the last time. The danger with this type of filter is that the meaning of the input may actually be very different. Everyone has different filters that will affect how the input reaches the brain. Our filters come from a number of different sources that comprise the total sum of our experiences. As we learn about and make decisions about the world, we come to expect there to be certain patterns that will occur and that causes will lead to effects. Some things that act as filters as we process information include our: • • • • • • Values. Beliefs. Past Experiences. Prejudices. Feelings. Environment. 3.3.1 VALUES The things that we value are the things that are important to us in life. We will interpret input in light of our values and make judgments about the input based on our values. For example, if we value education, we may see input as opportunities to learn additional information and improve our education. If we value our relationships with family, we will be more likely to receive input from them and to interpret that input in a way that fosters our relationships with our family. In the business environment, we are likely to value our image as others see us, our reputation, the approval of our boss, the input of our colleagues, our work ethic, and our ability to make a difference in the workplace. 3.3.2 BELIEFS Beliefs are slightly different than values, though there can be some overlap. Our beliefs are the guidelines we use to understand how the world works. For example, we might believe that hard work will be rewarded, that there is a higher power, or that good things will come to those who wait. When we experience input, we will look at it through our beliefs and attempt to make that input fit into our beliefs – or recognize it as not fitting in with our beliefs. In this case, our reaction to the input is likely to be negative or at least skeptical. 3.3.3 PAST EXPERIENCES Imagine that you are in a meeting where you will be discussing changes in your personnel policies at work. What would you bring with you to the meeting? You might have examples of other company’s personnel policies. You might have examples from your own time in the company that demonstrate why you feel that certain changes might need to be made. Or you might come to the table empty-handed, with just a pad of paper and a pen in order to take notes. What influences you to do any of these things? Your past experience. You would bring outside information because you have learned in the past that comparing situations can be helpful in decision making. Or you might bring nothing with you because the last time this same group of people met, they did nothing productive. In either case, your past experiences are influencing your current communication. We hear a tone of voice and know that the last time we experienced that tone of voice, we heard bad news. Or we see someone running down the hall and we automatically expect something urgent. Whatever we experience, our brain is examining our past experiences in order to be prepared to respond to what comes next. 3.3.4 PREJUDICES We all have prejudices. They occur when we take our past experiences with a person and assume that the same type of experience will happen with all people who are similar to the first. Prejudices are partly due to culture and partly due to personal preference or experience. Not all prejudices involve a negative characteristic either; for example, you could consider all of one group to be smart. When you encounter input that triggers one of these prejudices, you will automatically be making judgments or assumptions that may color your communication as well. The problem with prejudices is when they start to influence how or to whom we communicate. To get an idea of how this could be happening in your workplace, consider how you might complete the phrases below. If you can’t think of a way to complete it from your own experience, complete each phrase with a stereotype that you might have heard in the past: • • • • • • • • • • Women in the workplace are… Young people in the workplace are… Seniors in the workplace are… Working mothers in the workplace are… Supervisors at work are… The lowest job level workers are… Blacks, whites, or (fill in a race) in the workplace are… Homosexuals in the workplace are…. Christians, Muslims, or (fill in a religion) in the workplace are… Disabled people in the workplace are… When we categorize people like this, we eliminate their individuality. If you are communicating to a person through a perceived prejudice or stereotype, at the very least you are greatly limiting the chances of your communication being successful or producing the desired result. At the most, you are alienating or insulting someone with whom you are trying to build a working relationship. Your goal should be to see each person as an individual that is separate from any preconceived notions you might have about them. It takes practice, but wouldn’t you like to be seen and communicated with as an individual and not as a sum of different labels that can be placed on you? 3.3.5 FEELINGS For this area of influence, there are actually two ways in which your feelings can influence your communication with another person. The first simply refers to the way that you feel on a given day; if you feel well, you’ll communicate in one way and if you feel ill you’ll communicate in another. Since your well being fluctuates, it makes sense that the way you communicate will change somewhat with how well you are feeling. If you find yourself experiencing difficulty in communicating due to an illness or other physical stressor, recognizing and acknowledging it, when appropriate, can be very helpful when others might interpret the change in your communication as having something to do with them. The second aspect related to feelings refers to how you feel about a specific person. When you genuinely like someone, the way you communicate is going to show it. Unfortunately, the same can be said for when you don’t like someone. However, as you continue learning about effective communication skills in the following chapters, you will find some tools to help you be as effective as possible in communicating, even when it’s with someone that you dislike. 3.3.6 ENVIRONMENT The last area of influence on your communication is your environment. All of us communicate differently in different environments. This is simple enough to observe in everyday life. Do you speak to your colleagues the same way that you do to your friends? Do you talk to strangers with more or less formality than people you know well? Do you talk to your subordinates the same way when your own boss is there as you do when she is not there? As you go through your workday, notice how where you are, what is going on and who else is present may be impacting the way that you communicate. Recognizing how the environment might be affecting others you communicate with is a skill that can come in handy for you, particularly when you perceive that the environment is having a negative impact on your ability to communicate effectively with someone. This skill will help you to perceive why someone might be communicating in the way that they are. It will also give you a factor that you can alter in order to make the person more comfortable or to establish a level of formality that you feel is important in a particular situation. 3.4 THE INTERNAL MAP, INTERNAL STATE, AND BEHAVIOR OR RESPONSE Now that the input has been filtered, it will be processed by the brain in order to gain meaning from it. This process is called creating an internal ‘map.’ It’s as if your brain dissects and organizes the information into a pattern or a picture that it can make sense of. If it sees a pattern that it recognizes, it will automatically apply meaning to the input based on that existing pattern. If it doesn’t recognize the input or the pattern, it will create a new map and apply the most likely meaning based on past experience of similar input. Of course, this all happens in a fraction of a second. The pictures we generate to give meaning to the input are referred to as the internal ‘map’. That interpretation of meaning leads to a change in our internal state, which then generates our behavior and response. Whatever meaning the brain maps out for the input, it creates an internal state of being. You can imagine this very easily if you think about the last time you heard some bad news. You processed the input in a way that you understood that the meaning was negative, which led to an internal state of being such that you might have started to feel angry or sad or displeased. You might have even physically felt a response to the meaning, such as a tightening of the chest or a quickening of the pulse. Finally, this leads to your behavior or response to the input. In our example of hearing bad news, you would respond with sympathy, empathy, fear, or anger. You might cry or yell. Your brain searches for the words to describe what you want to say in return. Whatever that internal state is that is created will determine how you behave and respond to the input you receive. In other words, the input you received, filtered, and interpreted will determine what and how you give back in response. 3.5 WHY THIS MATTERS Sure, this is interesting information, but why should we care when it comes to improving our communication skills? We care because now that we know the framework of how information is received, filtered, and processed, we can use our knowledge to our advantage to help make sure that our meaning is delivered clearly and that we are able to help the other person declare their own messages clearly. We can orchestrate the input that we give out in a way that helps the other person to interpret it. In the remaining chapters of this ebook, we’ll examine ways to apply this new knowledge through practical communication techniques that you can use.