Navigating Triggering Events

Facilitating Difficult Dialogues: Navigating Triggering Events Western Washington University Learning outcomes: Part 1: • • • Identify the types of comments and actions that are common “triggers” for you Explore less productive reactions during discussions about creating inclusive campuses Learn how to use the Triggering Event Cycle as a tool to respond more effectively in the moment Part 2: • Identify and practice strategies to effectively navigate your triggered reactions • Practice how to respond effectively when others feel triggered and “in the moment” Learning Guidelines 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. ENGAGE IN OPEN AND HONEST DIALOGUE PARTICIPATE FULLY (@ COMFORT LEVEL +1) SPEAK FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE; SHARE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS LISTEN RESPECTFULLY; SEEK TO UNDERSTAND; LISTEN HARDER WHEN YOU INITIALLY DISAGREE MOVE IN, MOVE OUT; ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO PARTICIPATE BE FULLY PRESENT BE OPEN TO NEW AND DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ASSUME GOOD INTENT; EXPLORE THE UNINTENDED IMPACT OF COMMENTS AND BEHAVIORS TAKE RISKS: LEAN INTO DISCOMFORT; BE BRAVE RESPECT AND MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE AND SHARE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THE GROUP, IN YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR TRIGGERS; SHARE IF YOU FEEL TRIGGERED TRUST THAT THROUGH DIALOGUE WE WILL REACH DEEPER LEVELS OF UNDERSTANDING ENGAGE THIS OPPORTUNITY! Classroom/Meeting Guidelines ~ Your Intentions & Guidelines *Create an environment where everyone feel heard, involved, supported, and respected *Create a productive and engaging environment for the open and respectful exchange of ideas, perspectives, and opinions *Promote respectful dialogue, fair discussion of issues, and mutually respectful conversations Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Engage in respectful discourse Create a positive, collegial atmosphere Demonstrate mutual respect for the comments and views of all Speak and act in ways that do not disrupt or interfere with the learning or work of others. Explore controversial issues through open dialogue and respectful deliberation. Consider and explore new ideas and perspectives Express opposing ideas in a respectful manner Consider the potential impact of your comments and actions Accept responsibility for the overall welfare of the entire group Engage in respectful disagreement: Disagree with a person’s ideas without attacking their humanity Respectfully address unproductive and exclusionary behaviors from others 2 Common Unproductive Reactions During Difficult, Triggering Situations Directions: 1. Check-off (Ö) any of the following that you have experienced or observed from others during difficult situations. 2. Then, star (*) any that you have done when you felt triggered in difficult situations. Fight Responses • Aggressively argues and debates • Raises their voice, yells • Tries to silence others • Tries to compete, win at any cost • Interrupts • Self-righteous, arrogant, or condescending behaviors • Controlling, manipulative behaviors • Intimidating, threatening behaviors • Forces change • Aggressively attacks and berates • • • • • • • • Dismisses or minimizes the comments of others Explodes and directs their feelings onto others Sarcastic or off-handed remarks Belittling comments Intentionally tries to embarrass others Criticizes or accuses with the intent to humiliate and shame Bullies others into submission Turns their words against them Flight responses • Gets defensive • Becomes overly guarded • Withdraws • Ignores or avoids issues • Tries to smooth over conflict • Placating to keep things under control • Minimizes, downplays the issues or conflict • Shuts down • Disengages • Uses humor and jokes to distract and smooth things over • Quickly changes the subject • Pretends to agree to avoid conflict • Uses crying to distract and not engage Freeze responses • Blanks out, forget what wanted to say or do • Zones out • Immobilized • Doesn’t respond or interrupt exclusionary comments and actions • Overly anxious and scared 3 Navigating “Hot Buttons” and Triggering Situations Characteristics of a Triggering Event Any stimulus, either external or internal to the person, through which they experience an emotional reaction that may have some or all of the following characteristics: unexpectedness, the person is surprised by the arousal of their feelings strong intensity of feelings, the person experiences their emotions as overwhelming and disproportionate to the original stimulus • disorienting, the person is disoriented and distracted from the flow of the workshop and the planned agenda: “stopped in their tracks” • feeling out of control and overwhelmed by the situation • feeling “de-skilled” and reacting less effectively • requiring extra effort to manage the situation effectively • • 4 Common Examples of Triggering Events Directions: Use a 0-10 scale to rate how much of a “trigger” each of the following is for you when you are engaging in dialogues about diversity, equity, and/or inclusion. 0 = no emotional reaction 1 -2 = mild level of emotional reaction 3-4 = low-moderate degree of emotional reaction 5-6 = moderate degree of emotional reaction 7-8 = high degree of emotional reaction 9-10 = extremely high level of emotional reaction A. When someone(s): ___ 1. makes an insensitive, stereotypic, or offensive comment ___ 2. acts in ways that are classist, racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. ___ 3. interrupts or speaks over me or others ___ 4. dismisses my point or that of others ___ 5. demonstrates disruptive behavior including joking, side conversations, or laughing at me or others ___ 6. makes snide or sarcastic comments ___ 7. is belittling or demeaning ___ 8. demonstrates domineering or controlling behavior ___ 9. demonstrates bullying or threatening behavior ___ 10. is arrogant or self-righteous ___ 11. is patronizing or condescending ___ 12. has a very blunt or impersonal style ___ 13. has an aggressive or forceful style ___ 14. tries to derail the planned format and agenda ___ 15. refuses to participate in the discussion or the activity ___ 16. is silent, shut down or withdrawn ___ 17. is “set in their ways” and unwilling to shift their perspective ___ 18. will only focus on their intent, and not the impact of their behavior ___ 19. refuses to consider feedback from me or others ___ 20. is crying and expressing deep emotions of pain or grief ___ 21. is expressing deep anger or rage ___ 22. is engaged in an intense, emotional conflict with me or others ___ 23. challenges the validity of the information or statistics being presented ___ 24. strongly disagrees with what I am saying ___ 25. questions the usefulness of an activity or a discussion ___ 26. criticizes my style, design, or approach ___ 27. questions my competency ___ 28. calls me classist, racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. ___ 29. criticizes or minimizes efforts related to equity, inclusion, and social justice ___ 30. dismisses the conversation as “political correctness” ___ 31. portrays themselves as the “victim” of “reverse discrimination” 5 ___ 32. proclaims that they are “a good one” without acknowledging their unearned privilege ___ 33. continually points out what others do that is oppressive without acknowledging their own participation in the dynamics of oppression ___ 34. shifts the conversation away from their privileged group and to their marginalized group ___ 35. only engages in the conversation out of marginalized identities ___ 36. “coaches” members of marginalized groups on how to act, think and feel ___ 37. is colluding with their own oppression, “going along to get along” ___ 38. defends members of privileged groups who are acting out of privilege or prejudice ___ 39. publically criticizes other members of their marginalized group(s) B. For me, when I: ___ 40. make a mistake or error ___ 41. do or say something biased, offensive or oppressive ___ 42. do not know the answer to a question ___ 43. fear I do not know how to effectively respond in a situation __ 44. start to cry or lash out in anger ___ 45. believe the conversation is about to “get out of control” C. When a colleague: ___ 46. is triggered and experiencing deep emotions ___ 47. mismanages an activity or makes an ineffective intervention ___ 48. makes an offensive or stereotypic comment ___ 49. changes the planned agenda without checking in with me ___ 50. steps in as I am leading and takes over ___ 51. tries to “correct,” coach, or criticize me in front of the group ___ 52. is silent and “disappears” during a group discussion in which they are a member of the privileged group ___ 53. is silent and “disappears” during a group discussion in which they are a member of the marginalized group ___ 54. takes credit for my ideas or work Additional common triggers for you: 6 Journaling: The Triggering Event Cycleã Directions: Choose one situation when you were not satisfied with how you reacted when you felt triggered. 1. What was the specific situation in which you felt triggered (Step 1)? 2. What were some of your intrapersonal roots fueling your triggered reactions? (Step 2) (see next pages) 3. How did you make meaning of the situation? What “story” did you make up about what you thought was happening (Step 3)? 4. How did you know you were triggered (Step 4)? *physiological reactions: *self-talk/thoughts: *feelings: *unconscious behaviors or responses: 5. What were your intentions and motives? Hoped for outcome? What were you trying to accomplish (Step 5)? *unproductive motives: * more productive motives: 6. How did you react when you were triggered? Please note both your actions as well as your intrapersonal processes, such as your feelings and fears, thoughts and “self-talk” (Step 6)? * less effective reactions/responses: *more effective reactions/responses: 7. How was your effectiveness impacted by feeling triggered? How did your reactions impact you? Others (Step 7)? 7 Intrapersonal “Roots” of Triggering Events Directions: Think about your triggering event. What do you believe were the various factors or “roots” that contributed to your feeling triggered? 1. Current life issues and dynamics (fatigue, illness, crises, stressors, etc.) 2. Cumulative impact of recent experiences: Does this situation remind you of recent events? 3. Unfinished business, unresolved or unhealed past issues, traumas, and “wounds:” Does this person remind you of anyone? Does this situation remind you of past traumas? 4. Fears (check-off all that are related and add any others) • • My personal issues will become the focus of the conversation: all eyes will be on me. • • I will lose credibility and be seen as less competent. • • If I cry and show emotion, people will think less of me….I won’t be able to manage the situation. • • The conversation will “get out of control.” • • People will get too emotional and I won’t have the skills to manage the • situation. • • I won’t know enough about the • issue to engage in conversation. • • If I challenge this issue I will be all alone without any support. • • I won’t be able to express myself clearly; I’ll be misunderstood. If I am too confrontational or angry, then people will judge me, be mad at me, reject me, ostracize me, etc. I will be seen as incompetent and “not good enough.” They will see how prejudiced I really am. I’ll let people down and disappoint them. People won’t like me or approve of me. Things won’t change. I will make a mistake and be wrong. People will be disappointed in me. If I don’t handle this well, people could feel uncomfortable…be hurt. Things will be worse off than before. 8 5. Unmet Universal Needs/What I value* (check-off all that are related and add any others) • Respect, dignity • Safety, security • Trust • Integrity • Planning, order • Innovation and creativity • Fairness • Ease and simplicity • Clarity, understanding • Connection • Openness, honesty • Mutuality, partnering, collaboration • Direct communication • For approval • Respectful disagreement • For acceptance, belonging • Recognition, acknowledgement • Inclusion • Appreciation • Consideration • Competence, effectiveness • Dependability, follow-through • Success, to make a difference • To be kept informed and updated • Harmony, peace… 6. Ego-driven desires (check-off all that are related and add any others) • To assert, regain my power and • To be seen as the expert, smart authority • To prove I am competent • To have control • To gain prestige and status • To win the argument; prove them • To be admired; avoid disgrace wrong • To be liked • To get my way • To fit in • To make people change; “fix” • To be seen as a “good one,” an ally them • To be perfect • To make people learn • To gain certainty and predictability • To be right • For everyone to feel happy • To shut them down, put them in • To avoid deep emotions and conflict their place • To make others engage as I want them • To make them feel the pain and to hurt I feel 7. Biases, assumptions, expectations, shoulds, and judgments 9 Feelings and Emotions Major source: Raj Gill, Lucy Leu, Judi Morin, NVC Toolkit, 2009 Sit with your reactions/reflections/experiences….Check-off/Circle any emotions that you felt/feel. Add any others to the list. Aggravated Agitated Alarmed Alienated Ambivalent Amused Angry Anguish Annoyed Anxious Appreciative Apprehensive Appalled Awe Ashamed Bitter Bored Burned out Calm Carefree Confident Confused Crushed Defeated Deflated Dejected Depleted Depressed Despair Determined Disappointed Discouraged Disgusted Disheartened Disillusioned Dissatisfied Distracted Distressed Distrustful Drained Dumbfounded Eager Edgy Embarrassed Empowered Empathetic Enraged Envious Exasperated Excited Exhausted Exhilarated Fascinated Fearful Forlorn Frightened Furious Grateful Gratified Grief Guilty Hateful Heartbroken Hesitant Hopeless Hurt Impatient Incensed Indifferent Indignant Infuriated Insecure Inspired Irritated Jealous Jubilant Lonely Longing Mean Mortified Nervous Numb Outraged Overwhelmed Panic Paralyzed Peaceful Perplexed Powerless Preoccupied Puzzled Raging Regretful Relieved Remorseful Repulsed Resentful Sad Surprised Sympathetic Tender Tense Terrified Touched Unsettled Useless Vulnerable Wary Weary Worried 10 Common Universal Needs/Values (Adapted from R. Gill, L. Leu, and J. Morin (2009). NVC Toolkit for Facilitators.) acceptance adaptability appreciation authenticity autonomy awareness balance beauty belonging caring celebration challenge choice clarity collaboration communication community companionship compassion competence consciousness connection consideration contribution cooperation creating creativity dependability dignity ease effectiveness efficiency empathy equality fairness follow-through freedom fun growth harmony healing health honesty hope humor inclusion independence inspiration integration integrity intimacy joy learning love mattering meaning mourning movement mutuality nurturance openness order participation partnership peace play presence progress purpose reflection relaxation reliability relief respect rest safety security self-expression self-reliance space stimulation spontaneity stability support trust understanding warmth wellbeing 11 STEP 3: Shift Your “Story” of What You Think is Happening Step 3: The “story” I make up about what I think is happening Given this story, how I would feel and, possibly, react less effectively 1-2 alternative stories that leave me feeling curious, compassionate, and/or caring Identify Less Productive, “Negative” Intentions (Step 5), such as: • win the argument • avoid intense emotions: in self and others • get even; get them back • make everyone feel happy and • to be right; prove the other person harmonious wrong • avoid feeling or being viewed as • to prove you are competent, smart “incompetent” • assert your power and authority • control how others feel about you • gain status and prestige; be admired • to be seen as a “good one,” an ally • be in control • use the current opportunity to “right • intimidate the other person the wrongs” you experienced in the past • “put them in their place,” shut them • change the other person to account for down times you either didn’t or couldn’t • punish the other person change oppressive people earlier in your • embarrass or put down life • make them feel the pain and hurt you • ignore them feel • seek approval of others • change the other person’s views, • to be liked, to fit in feelings or behaviors • avoid confrontation and conflict • to make people learn • trick and “out fox” the other person • keep the conversation “under control” 12 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • When You Feel Triggered, Shift Your Intentions to Align with Your Inclusion Values: create greater inclusion • identify the deeper issues fueling the feelings, perceptions and behaviors of leave people feelings whole others engage in respectful dialogue • create safety for the expression of differing do no harm viewpoints “go with the flow;” trust the process • treat others with respect and dignity deepen learning and growth • encourage more people to engage in the meet the people “where they are” without dialogue judgment • support people to disagree with each other use the triggering moment to deepen in respectful ways understanding • model effective recovery skills after making relate in to the person; connect with them an inappropriate comment or when your create space for honest, authentic dialogue behavior results in negative impact invite people to learn from the situation • re-establish credibility with the model the social justice behaviors you person/group espouse: authenticity, empathy, self• identify inappropriate behaviors and explore reflection, engagement… the negative impact model skills to navigate triggering moments: • interrupt unproductive, inappropriate scan yourself, identify unmet needs, shift behaviors and group dynamics self-talk, stress management, realigning • take time to “gather oneself,” navigate intentions, exploring intrapersonal roots… personal emotions, gain perspective… facilitate open, honest discussion • build a “bridge” and a connection with the create space for the other person to express other person their feelings, perceptions • encourage identity development and growth deepen understanding across differences • demonstrate compassion and empathy Step 5: Shift Your Intentions My less productive, “negative” intentions More productive, effective intentions How I might respond more productively, effectively 13 PAIRS: EFFECTIVE DIALOGUE SKILLS P: PAN the environment and yourself; describe what you notice or engage others based on what you see (Pay Attention Now) § § § § § § I’m noticing I’m feeling...anyone else? I noticed how quiet everyone got; I’m wondering what is going on for folks? It seems some people were impacted by that statement, am I right? I’m noticing you’re speaking with a lot of energy and emotion… I’m noticing that people get interrupted as they try to share... You seemed to have a reaction to what I just said... A: ASK about the specifics behind the person’s comment or behavior § § § § § § § Could you say more about that…Tell me more... Can you give us an example of what you’re saying… Help me understand what you meant by that? What were you hoping to communicate with that comment? Can you help me understand what your intent was when you said/did... Can you give me some background on this situation... How were you impacted when....What were you feeling when... I: INTERRUPT the dynamics Ø Ø Ø Ø Let’s slow down the conversation and talk about what just happened… I’m going to interrupt and try a different approach to this conversation… We are not engaging according to our group norms. Let’s take a breath… R: RELATE to the person or their comment/behavior § § § § I relate to what you’re saying, I…I have felt the same way... I remember a time when I...I did the exact same thing... How do others relate to that comment? What you’re saying seems to relate to what so-and-so just said… S: SHARE about yourself ~ self-disclose with a story or example; your feelings in the moment; the impact of a comment or behavior, etc. § § § § § § When I hear you say that I think/feel.... Just last week I...I remember when I... I was socialized to believe... I’m beginning to feel ____... My heart aches as you tell that story... I notice I’m feeling a little triggered... 14 Engaging Skills Ask the person for more information ~ seek to understand Paraphrase the person’s comments Explore their INTENT TRACK/PAN the person’s body language, tone, and comments Explore the IMPACT on them Acknowledge and validate their points as much as possible Explore possible solutions State your desired outcome Summarize the dialogue Examples/Descriptions • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Can you tell me more... Can you give me an example... Can you give me some background on this situation... What do you mean when you say… Help me understand what you disagree with…find frustrating… Help me understand how you came to that conclusion? What were you feeling when…? What’s your perspective? What led you to that conclusion? So you’re saying that... So you feel that... So you think that… Are you saying that… So from your perspective… Help me understand your intent when you… What had you wanted to communicate with your comment? What was your intended outcome? What is underneath your comment/question? I notice you had a reaction to what I just said... I don’t believe she was finished with her comment… I notice you just got very quiet...looked away…shook your head… I’m noticing your tone of voice… I’m noticing your body language… It seems my behavior had an impact on you... How did that impact you? What were you feeling when… I hear that you feel... I can see that from your perspective you think… I’d probably feel ____, too... What do you think we can do? What do you see as the next steps? One thought could be to…what do you think? Might it be possible to… This is what I suggest we do… I want to…I need… Summarize the dialogue without stating opinions or judging the dialogue. So we’ve discussed...we agreed to… 15 Steps to Responding in Difficult Dialogues 1. Get grounded in positive intentions ~ The DESTINATION: Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Create a teachable moment Stir cognitive dissonance Demonstrate respect and dignity Leave them feeling whole… Plant seeds…Influence hearts and minds… Help person(s) explore the impact of their behavior, understand the reasons their behavior has a negative impact on others/building an inclusive community Re-establish the boundaries for civil discourse Do no harm! Make a human connection; build the relationship for future dialogue Support those impacted by the comments/actions P.A.I.R.S. ~ Skills to Engage P: PAN the environment, yourself ~ as data to diagnose; name your pan as an intervention A: ASK questions to explore I: INTERRUPT the process R: RELATE to others, their comments S: Share, use self-disclosure as your response 2. Based on what you PAN, engage others in the conversation Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø I noticed that….I overheard your conversation and thought I heard you say…. I notice that folks were laughing…I’m curious what that’s about? I noticed how quiet everyone just got...I’m wondering what is going on for folks? It seems some people were impacted by that statement. I’m noticing you’re speaking with a lot of energy and emotion… We’ve had some comments from this side of the room, what are your thoughts and reactions? (looking at the other side of the room) Ø I’m wondering if people are feeling triggered right now? Ø The energy in the discussion seemed to shift after… 3. A: ASK about the specifics behind the person’s comment or behavior Ø Gives you time to center, better understand the comment, choose a response Ø May help the person hear themselves and reflect on what they said, the impact… 16 4: A: ASK clarifying questions Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø I want to make sure I understand your point…you think that… Are you saying that… Help me understand what you meant by that? I don’t understand your point… What do you mean when you say… Come again? Or Can you repeat that? 5. A: ASK questions to gather more information Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Could you say more about that…Tell me more... Can you give us an example of what you’re saying… Help me understand what you disagree with…find frustrating… Help me understand how you got to that conclusion? What has been your experience that led you to that conclusion? What readings or research are you referencing? 6. A: ASK questions to get them to reflect on their comment Ø Ø Ø Ø When was the first time you heard that? How do you think others could be impacted by your comment? Behavior? Why might others disagree with your comment? What if I gave you a convincing argument and data that was counter to your perspective? What might that mean for you? Ø How do you think others will view you when you make similar comments? 7. A: ASK questions to explore their intention Ø Ø Ø Ø What were you hoping to communicate with that comment? Help me understand your intent when you said... What did you mean to say with that comment? What is underneath your comment/question? 8. I: INTERRUPT the process and give space to process Ø Ø Ø Ø Let’s slow down the conversation and talk about what just happened… I’m going to interrupt and try a different approach to this conversation… We are not engaging according to our group norms. Let’s take a breath… 9. R: RELATE to the person who made the comment (Reflectively) Ø How are you just like this person? Were just like them? (search in other categories of difference) Ø When have you said or done something similarly? Ø When might you say or do something like this in the future? 17 10. R: RELATE to the person or their comment/behavior Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø I relate to what you’re saying, I… I have felt the same way... I remember a time when I... I did the exact same thing... How do others relate to that comment? Who can relate? What you’re saying seems to relate to what so-and-so just said… 11. S: SHARE: “Put a Face on the Issue” Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Share a personal example or one you have heard from a credible source Invite others to share personal examples and stories ~ verbally; in writing Offer to share resources, articles so they can review different perspectives Offer to meet with them and talk about your life experiences on and off campus Ask them to talk with 2-3 other people in the near future to hear their experiences and stories 12. S: SHARE: Share about yourself ~ self-disclose with a story or example; your feelings in the moment; the impact of a comment or behavior, etc. Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø My heart aches as you tell that story… As a ___, I… (tell a story, give an example) I’d like to share the impact of your comment... I’m feeling uncomfortable with what you’re saying… I’m noticing I’m feeling___, anyone else? I notice I feel triggered right now.... That’s a trigger word/phrase for me... I need to stop a moment and talk about what just happened. I… 13. Give the “benefit of the doubt” if you directly confront their comment ~ a face saving tactic Ø I trust/know you didn’t intend this… I Ø You’re probably not aware of the impact of your comment… 18 Helpful Tactics 1. Gather more information Ø Help me understand more about what you mean? Ø I’m curious when you first heard that term or phrase? 2. Clarify what you “heard” Ø I want to make sure I understand your point…you think that… Ø Are you saying that… Ø So you feel… Ø You believe that… 3. Focus the discussion on the PROCESS of the discussion Ø I noticed that you mentioned we need to focus on issues of race and gender, and I wonder why you also didn’t mention sexual orientation? Or gender identity or gender expression? Ø The list of differences includes 6 areas…I’m curious why issues of ableness and religion aren’t on the list… Ø I’m noticing that the only time we talk about issues of sexism on campus is when I bring it up… Ø It seems that whenever we start talking about issues of race, someone changes the topic back to age or gender…. Ø I’ve noticed that when we are discussing the work environment for classified employees, a number of folks look down, start reading a document, check their Blackberry…I’m curious what others have noticed? 4. Name the group’s process or dynamic and shift the focus to be more inclusive Ø We’ve talked about how this policy could impact people of color and white women….I’m wondering how it may impact GLBT employees across gender and race? Ø I’m noticing that whenever we talk about race, whites turn and ask a question of one of the people of color. I’d like to hear from some of the whites in the room: What do you notice that whites, as a group, tend to say, do, and feel around issues of race in the workplace? Ø This has been a great discussion about the chilly climate for women and men of color. I don’t want to move off this too soon, and I also want to make sure we have time to have a similar conversation related to dynamics of age and experience in the organization... 5. Give the “benefit of the doubt” Ø I trust you didn’t intend this, and I was impacted by your comment… 6. Ask the person to walk you through their thought process so you can better understand how they came to their assumptions and conclusions Ø Can you help me understand how you came to that conclusion? Ø What has been your experience that led you to that conclusion? 19 7. If you think someone is misrepresenting what you said Ø I believe I said something different than you heard….What I said was… 8. Recognize comments and behaviors that help create greater inclusion before you give further feedback Ø I appreciate your working to be inclusive in your language…and I understand the term “GLBT” to be more inclusive and current than “homosexuals” 9. Acknowledge the accumulative impact of similar comments Ø I know I’m having a strong reaction to what you said….and this is only one of many times I have heard similar comments recently…. 10. Ask questions to raise their awareness Ø When did you decide/choose to be heterosexual? Ø What are some of the ways that Christianity is embedded in the way we interact and in the policies and practices of our nation? Organization? 11. Invite other participants to get engaged in the dialogue Ø Name your feelings or reaction and test to see where others are: I’m feeling uncomfortable with this conversation, is anyone else? Ø Ask if others have heard and experienced the situation as you did: That scene in the video hit me as Islamaphobic…What do others think? Ø Ask others to take the "pulse" of the situation and reflect on the process: I’m curious what others are noticing about our group dynamics? 12. Different Communication Styles a. Direct Ø I think that…I need… Ø It's important that….We need to… b. Pose possibilities Ø It might be useful… Ø I'd suggest we consider… Ø One way to proceed could be…. c. Competing style Ø State your thought or opinion right after another person, no connection Ø I think…Well I think….My idea is to…this is how we should proceed… d. Debating style Ø Reference the other person's ideas in order to negate them or disagree with them e. Connecting style Ø Acknowledge what was said by others Ø Connect your comment to theirs 20 Ø Build on what has been said, i.e., Connected to what you're saying; Building on that thought; Similar to what she said, I think; I like your idea and another way to goabout this is… f. Engaging style Ø If a direct statement is made, ask a question to gather more information, deepen understanding, gain time to respond… Ø Tell me more.. Ø Can you give me an example? Ø What's your intended outcome? your intent behind that? Ø How might that impact others? Ø What's your thinking behind how that helps us meet our goal? Steps to respond when someone makes an inappropriate remark 1. Check out what you heard: Ask them to repeat what they said Did I hear you say ________ ? I thought I heard you say _______. Am I right? 2. If they disagree with your version, you may decide to end the conversation. If yoususpect they are trying to “cover their tracks,” you may consider continuing the dialogue: I’m glad to hear I misunderstood, because, as you know, those types of comments....” 3. If they acknowledge they said the comment: a. Explore their intent behind making the comment § Help me understand what you meant by that? § What were you hoping to communicate with that comment? b. Explore the impact of their comment What impact do you think that comment could have? What do you think others would think of you when you make that type of comment? What message do you think that comment sends? c. Share your perspective of the probable impact of these types of comments Ø When I hear you say that I think/feel.... Ø Many people would take that comment to mean.... Ø That comment only perpetuates negative stereotypes and assumptions... Ø Negative comments only cause division, isolation, gossiping... Ø People will judge you for making these negative types of comments and could assume you are close-minded, bigoted, difficult to work with.... d. Ask them to change their behavior Ø I’d appreciate it if you’d stop making these types of negative comments.... Ø I respect co-workers who respect me and other team members.... Ø I expect you to stop making inappropriate comments... 21 Tools and Tips: Responding in Cross-Cultural Conflicts A. Responding to Common Dialogue Blockers 1. Perfectly Logical Explanations (PLEs) - That may be true, but here’s how I see it....or another way to view it... - There may be a number of factors that contributed to this situation. Another one that does have to do with diversity might be...... - When you say that, I feel you’re discounting my experience. In that situation I felt... - You could be right that this one specific time it had nothing to do with prejudice. But it feels so similar to so many other times in my experience when I have been treated negatively/experienced discrimination...it’s hard to not assume this is just like all those other times.... - Your opinion that this has nothing to do with prejudice could be true...But what would it mean if my perception was true: that this person reacted to me out of their bias and stereotypes? 2. Yea, but…. - What do you think the impact on me is when you say that? - You may not have intended this, but when you give a “YEA, BUT” I feel discounted and that you have dismissed my perspective and experience. - I’m curious what you were hoping to communicate with that statement? - Honestly, I’m rather upset about what happened. And I can’t hear your perspective right now. What I need is for someone to just listen to me and acknowledge what I experienced and am feeling.... - I’m curious why you chose to give me a “Yea, But” just then? 3. That happens to me/my group, too…. - This dynamic/situation does happen to other groups, too. The difference might be HOW OFTEN how often it happens to them, and WHY it happens to them. For instance: most whites have received bad customer service. It rarely happens to them because some has prejudice towards them because of their race. And it probably doesn’t happen to them as frequently. - How does it feel when it happens to you? How often does that happen? Why does it happen to you? So you have a “window of understanding” to connect to what I and my group experience much of the time. 4. I know someone who…and they don’t agree with you…. - There might be some people who don’t see this as I do. That doesn’t discount my experience or perception. 22 - Not all ____ may feel like I do. And, unfortunately, there are many around here that do agree with me and have had very similar experiences. Are you open to hearing more about my experiences? 5. I don’t see it that way... (therefore, it doesn’t really happen….) - You might not have ever recognized this dynamic before or seen it happen. There was a time I didn’t see it this way, either. But after having it happen SO MANY times and when I can’t find any other explanation, that I now believe that there most often is some prejudice underneath this type of reaction.... 6. That doesn’t happen to me... (so it doesn’t exist) - I’m glad and hopeful that it doesn’t. And hope you never do experience this. And this is what happened to me, and I’ve heard many other folks describe all too similar experiences.... - It might not, or you may not notice it happening to you....but here’s what I’ve tracked and noticed in my life.... 7. Don’t you think that… - I’m wondering if you have a statement behind your question..... - Do you have a specific example that illustrates what you’re trying to ask or say? - I’m curious what you think about that.... 8. You’re overreacting…you’re too sensitive… - You may not agree, but I feel very strongly about this. And I would appreciate your respecting me enough to at least acknowledge my perspective. - When you say that, I want to end the conversation and would probably never talk to you about these serious issues again. - Your intent might be to try to help or support me, but the impact of that statement is infuriating. 9. He/she’s a good person…they never meant to do that…. - That comment just dismissed and discounted my experience. - Many “good people” do very inappropriate and harmful things. - Regardless of the intent, this was the impact of their actions.... - I’m not questioning if they’re good or bad, I’m talking about the impact of their actions. 10. That was not my intent! You misunderstood me! - I’m open to hearing your intent, but I’d first appreciate your acknowledging the impact of your comment/actions.... - What was your intent....I hear your intent was _______, and I hope you can also realize the impact was different than what you intended. 11. That had nothing to do with _____ (an “ism”)!! It’s just their personality! - That may be what you believe, and I have observed/experienced this type of situation so many times...and I have tracked a diversity cut to this...Here’s the way I see it... 23 B. Responding When Someone is Triggered - I’m noticing you’re speaking with a lot of energy and emotion… - I’m wondering if you’re feeling triggered right now? - This response is unusual for you….I’m wondering what else is going on for you? - I’m wondering if something else is going on or did something happen that’s related to why you’re feeling this way? - You’re raising issues I want to talk about, and I’m also noticing that the depth of your emotions seems somewhat out of proportion to this situation… - I notice I’m feeling a little triggered, and I wonder if you are, too? - I think we’re both a bit triggered right now…. - I want to talk about this further, and I can hear you better when you’re not so triggered. What if we take a break and then come back to talk about this… C. Responding When Someone is Reacting out of a Cumulative Impact - Obviously I’ve said/done something to trigger you. What’s going on? - I can see you have a strong reaction to this. What happened? - My guess is this is: - an example of what has happened to you a lot in the past.... - what happens to you all the time... - not the first time something like this has happened... - I’m open to hearing what happened if you want to talk.... - Is there anything I can do to be supportive of you? D. Responding When Your Comment/Action Has Had a Negative Impact on Someone Else - It seems what I said had an impact on you. I’m open to hearing it. - I want to apologize for what I said/did....I was wrong...and I’m open to hearing how I’ve impacted you.... - Thank you for letting me know this. It is my intention to change my behavior in the future... - Is there anything I can do to make amends... E. Responding When You Are Triggered - I notice I feel triggered right now.... - That’s a trigger word/phrase for me... - I need to take a break and come back to this later.... - I need to stop a moment and talk about what just happened. I’m feeling triggered and this is why.... - This may have more to do with me than you, but I’m feeling triggered by what you just said.... 24