The Gifts of Imperfection Summary 2

The Problem With Comparison According to Brown, comparison’s damage lies in the fact that it involves both competition and conformity. She acknowledges that at first, this might seem counterintuitive. How can we both compete with others and strive to conform at the same time? To address this question, Brown argues that competition and conformity feed into each other when you want to be the “best” in your particular social or societal group—when you want to conform to that group’s standards and do so “better” than everyone else. You abandon attempts to be and accept your true self, as well as efforts to see your own worthiness. Instead, you focus on “winning” in comparison to your peers. (Shortform note: Comparison is also arguably at odds with two of Brown’s “gifts of imperfection.” Comparison can harm your connections with others: If you compare yourself to someone and decide that you’re “worse” than they are, you might become jealous or envious. These negative feelings will erode your bond. Likewise, comparing yourself to someone else and deciding that you’re “better” than they are (and, by extension, they’re “lesser”) isn’t a good foundation for a strong, equal connection—and it isn’t particularly compassionate, either.) Is Comparison Always a Bad Thing? In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown frames comparison as a strictly negative practice because of its harm to worthiness. But can comparison ever be a good thing? Some research indicates that comparing ourselves upwardly to others—in other words, comparing ourselves to people who we view as “better” than we are in some way—can actually have some positive effects. These include: Improving our self-esteem, if we realize we have things in common with the person we think is “better” than we are. Clearly, we’re as “good” as they are in some respects. Facilitating self-improvement. Realizing that someone is “better than us” in a certain area can help us to improve, as we can learn from this “better” person and improve our own performance. This “better” person can also serve as an inspirational figure to motivate us to improve. Furthermore, a review of studies on social comparison in students found that students who compared themselves upwardly to higher-performing classmates improved their academic performance. However, the same review of studies notes that upward comparison also had harmful effects on students, such as feeling negative emotions and judging their own academic abilities more harshly. In sum, whether upward comparison can ever be wholly positive is unclear. Using Creativity to Fight Comparison If comparison is so damaging, why do so many of us engage in it? The answer is that letting go of comparison can be a tricky task: As Brown notes, this way of thinking is deeply ingrained in many of us. However, Brown believes that you can reduce your temptation to compare by recognizing and celebrating your individuality. Furthermore, she states that you can cultivate your sense of individuality by being creative. Paint, draw, sew, invent new recipes, sculpt, write: Do anything that indulges your creative side. According to Brown, being creative cultivates individuality because it involves producing something original using your unique skills. Nobody else has the same creative skillset as you or expresses their creativity in the same way as you. Therefore, your creative talents represent a part of you that’s individual and incomparable. The Benefits of Creativity Creativity isn’t just beneficial to your sense of individuality. Research has shown that being creative can improve your mental and physical health in various other ways, too. For instance, a 2010 review of the existing literature on creativity’s health benefits found that being creative has beneficial effects like: Helping people to process trauma Reducing anxiety Enabling people to express difficult thoughts and emotions Reducing stress and compassion fatigue among carers Other research has suggested that creativity can improve the emotional wellbeing of dementia patients and assist with chronic pain management. One study even found that being creative can increase the CD4+ lymphocyte count of HIV patients—in effect, strengthening their immune systems. While researchers are still unclear on why creativity can have such potent health benefits, the evidence suggests that a link between creativity and improved health at least exists. Use Intuition An important part of being yourself is trusting, valuing, and using your intuition—your unique and individual gut feeling—when making decisions. This is Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly. According to Brown—who bases her view on the work of psychologists David G. Myers and Gerd Gigerenzer —when you use intuition, your brain uses information from your past experiences to quickly and unconsciously attach meaning to something you’ve just observed. The meaning that your brain decides upon when using intuition becomes your “gut feeling” about the situation. For example, imagine you observe someone being rude to your friend. Your mind will quickly scan through all of the information it has relating to rudeness and acceptable standards of behavior. In the past, you’ve learned that rudeness is hurtful to its target and generally socially unacceptable. Based on this information, your brain will attach the following gut feeling to the situation: that your friend is being mistreated, and that you should support them. (Shortform note: When discussing what intuition is and how it works, Brown doesn’t explicitly state how using intuition will bolster your worthiness (thus allowing you to live Wholeheartedly). However, we might infer that trusting your intuition, and believing that you can use it to make good decisions, will increase your feeling of worthiness. Instinctive decision-making will become an area in which you feel you’re “good enough.”) Barriers to Using Intuition Using your intuition may seem like a straightforward process. After all, you’re probably already doing it unconsciously and automatically. However, as Brown notes, many of us struggle to use intuition successfully. She argues that often, this is because we’re wary of accepting our gut feelings. According to Brown, this wariness comes from a combination of a lack of trust in our own judgment and the brain’s overwhelming need for certainty. Because we don’t trust ourselves to intuitively make the “correct” decision, we don’t feel certain that our gut feeling is right. Instinctively, humans hate uncertainty—and that hatred makes us reject the “uncertain” gut feeling. How can we learn to overcome our fear of uncertainty (and, consequently, become comfortable with following our intuition)? Brown suggests embracing faith. She doesn’t necessarily mean embracing religious faith; more, embracing the belief that things will work out, even if you can’t be certain that they will. Faith requires you to bravely let go of your fear of uncertainty and decide that even though you can’t be sure what’s ahead, you’re going to move forward and act anyway. (Shortform note: Brown doesn’t explore in detail the link between embracing faith and embracing intuition. One theory is that having faith helps you to use intuition because you become willing to act on your gut feeling, despite the risk that it’s wrong, because you have faith that it might be right.) Should We Always Follow Our Intuition? Is intuition always a useful process, and should we always have faith in our gut feelings? Perhaps not: As Malcolm Gladwell notes in Blink, the process of intuiting isn’t perfect, and it may not always lead to “correct” judgments. (Note that Gladwell refers to intuition as “unconscious thinking,” a term we’ll also use when discussing his work. Brown’s definition of intuition fits neatly with Gladwell’s concept of unconscious thinking: Both authors view this type of thinking as a powerful process that can lead us to make good decisions quickly, without realizing we’re doing it.) As Gladwell explains, sometimes, if we’re under stress, pressed for time, or have strong biases, our unconscious thinking can malfunction. The brain may make a faulty snap judgment that’s based on irrelevant, incorrect, or superficial information, rather than on the full breadth of the information available to it. For instance, imagine a person has an ingrained unconscious bias that female medical professionals are usually nurses, not doctors (a bias that exists, according to some research). If this person seeks treatment at a health facility and is greeted by a female clinician, their bias may overwhelm their unconscious thinking, leading them to intuitively believe that the clinician is a nurse, not a doctor, and greet them as such. If their unconscious mind had looked deeper at the situation, it may have noticed that the clinician wore a name tag identifying her as a doctor. However, overwhelmed by bias, it failed to do so, leading to the faulty snap judgment. This flaw of intuition doesn’t necessarily mean that we should have no faith in it, however: Our intuition does frequently get it right. Furthermore, as Gladwell notes, there are steps you can take to reduce the likelihood of unconscious thinking going wrong. One approach he suggests is to try to overcome the unconscious biases that sway your intuition in the wrong direction. You can do this by repeatedly exposing yourself to people or situations that challenge that bias. For instance, the person in the example above might try to always see female doctors rather than male ones. This will help their brain grow accustomed to the idea that women can be doctors as well as nurses, thus reducing their bias. Chapters 5-6, 11: Develop Inner Strength In this chapter, we’ll explore three more of Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly. These strategies all involve developing inner strength: in other words, developing the fortitude necessary to fight unhealthy mental and emotional processes and adopt healthy ones instead. The strategies are: Combating perfectionism Building resilience Practicing stillness and calm Combat Perfectionism Brown’s first strategy for developing inner strength is fighting perfectionism. Brown notes that people often frame perfectionism as a positive thing: for instance, “trying to be the best version of yourself.” However, she believes that perfectionism is actually a damaging process that’s about trying to control people’s perceptions of you. It’s an attempt to gain approval and acceptance from others—and, crucially, avoid being shamed or judged by them—by hiding your flaws and projecting the image of being perfect. The Psychological Definition of Perfectionism In the world of psychological research, the definition of perfectionism is somewhat complex. The widely supported work of Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt—two prominent perfectionism researchers— contends that there are actually three different types of perfectionism: Perfectionism directed at the self (putting pressure on yourself to be perfect) Perfectionism directed at others (putting pressure on others to be perfect) Perfectionism borne of social pressure (others putting pressure on you to be perfect—or even you just thinking that others expect you to be perfect) Flett and Hewitt’s work has also found that perfectionism in any of its forms can be dangerous to mental and emotional wellbeing—an idea we’ll discuss next. The Dangers of Perfectionism Brown argues that perfectionism is dangerous to our well-being and sense of worth because it’s founded on completely unrealistic expectations. No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to be perfect or even successfully appear to be perfect: As Brown notes, none of us can hide our mistakes and imperfections all of the time. However, according to Brown, the perfectionist mindset won’t concede that it sets unrealistic standards. Instead, it makes you believe that you didn’t manage to project perfection because you weren’t good enough to meet its standards—for instance, you didn’t hide your flaws well enough. This attitude causes you to blame, shame, and judge yourself. As Brown points out, you end up experiencing the painful thoughts and emotions that you thought perfectionism would repel. Other Negative Effects of Perfectionism As well as causing you to shame, blame, and judge yourself, perfectionism can have various other negative effects. Research has linked it to increased vulnerability to depression and eating disorders, among other mental health conditions. Perfectionism may even be linked to suicide risk: Research conducted in Alaska found that almost 60% of suicide victims were perfectionists (according to people who knew them). Perfectionism can create specific difficulties for people in leadership roles. According to Robert Greene in The Laws of Human Nature, perfectionist leaders struggle because they want to control everything (and everyone) that’s within their sphere of influence (presumably so that they can ensure all work meets their standard of “perfection”). They refuse to delegate, create bottlenecks (since everything must be checked over by them), and feel unable to depend on their colleagues. Ultimately, they burn out, and they usually fail in their role. How to Fight Perfectionism It’s clear that perfectionism is highly damaging—so, how can we fight it? Brown outlines various strategies for overcoming perfectionism, some of which are developed further than others. Overall, we can synthesize her ideas into two practices: 1) Be kind to yourself. According to Brown, showing yourself compassion can help you to embrace your imperfections, rather than punish yourself for them or work desperately to hide them. She also claims that engaging in positive self-talk—talk that is encouraging and kind about yourself and your flaws, rather than critical and judgmental—can be instrumental in staving off perfectionism. (Shortform note: Engaging in compassionate self-talk can do more than just help you fight perfectionism. According to Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves in their book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, positive self-talk can also help you to overcome challenging times and keep your mood positive day-to-day.) 2) Alter your perception of shame and judgment. First, accept that you, like everyone else in the world, will always be vulnerable to these negative emotions. Brown doesn’t fully explain why accepting this fact will help to combat perfection, but she implies that doing so takes away perfectionism’s power. After all, perfectionism is rooted in the idea that you can avoid these emotions. Once you realize that you can’t, it becomes pointless. Second, focus on developing your shame resilience. Brown argues that having strong shame resilience will help you to accept your alleged “imperfections” rather than hide them because you won’t feel ashamed of them anymore. Another Way to Combat Perfectionism: Group Treatment On top of Brown’s recommendations, research has identified another successful approach to overcoming perfectionism: engaging in group psychological treatment. One study of perfectionist university students found that engaging in group counseling based around fighting perfectionism significantly reduced participating students’ harmful perfectionism, as well as their levels of anxiety and depression. Another study of adults also found that group therapy reduced perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and stress, with the positive results of the therapy still persisting three months after treatment concluded. Even group therapy that isn’t solely focused on addressing perfectionism may be beneficial for perfectionists. One study found that group treatment for social phobia not only reduced participants’ social anxiety, but also had the side effect of reducing some types of perfectionism. Build Resilience Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly is building resilience. Brown’s research found that people who lived Wholeheartedly all had some resilience: They’d experienced struggles but had found a way to work through them. (Shortform note: Brown’s discussion of resilience suggests that if you lack resilience, living Wholeheartedly may be more difficult. You may be more vulnerable to threats to your worthiness. Any trauma or struggle can negatively impact how you feel about yourself. If you can't learn from and rise above those struggles, you're in danger of feeling that you're not worthy of a different, happier life.) In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown presents four strategies for generating resilience. While she presents the first three strategies as being sub-strategies of, or at least linked to, the fourth, most important strategy— embracing spirituality—it’s at times unclear how each practice connects to the theme of spirituality. For this reason, we’re going to discuss all four strategies separately: Strategy #1: Develop Hope You might think that hope is an emotion: the feeling of wanting something to happen. However, Brown, citing the research of the late psychologist C. R. Snyder, argues that this isn’t true. She supports Snyder’s assertion that hope is actually a way of thinking. According to Snyder, hope is a powerful combination of self-belief, goal-setting, and motivation—in other words, deciding what you want to achieve, believing you can achieve it, and having the grit to keep trying to achieve it, even in the face of challenges. According to Brown, if we don’t cultivate hope, we run the risk of feeling powerless: like we can’t achieve our dreams or improve our lives. It’s hard to be resilient if you feel that you can’t change your life for the better. The Other Benefits of Hope Developing a hopeful mindset won’t just help you to build resilience: Studies have shown that hopefulness can have various health benefits, too. For instance, being hopeful may help you to live a healthier lifestyle. One study found that college students with high levels of hope were more likely to limit their fat intake and exercise regularly. Another study found that hopeful people are more likely to adopt positive weight management behaviors, such as meal planning and being mindful of meal portion size. Furthermore, a review of the literature into hope and physical health notes that hope may be linked to: Having a higher pain tolerance Being able to emotionally cope with a cancer diagnosis Accepting and coping with injury or disability Just as having hope can benefit physical health, research suggests that hopelessness can present a severe risk to health. One study found that in men, high hopelessness was linked to negative health outcomes such as cancer, heart attacks, and violent death. Furthermore, research has linked hopelessness in college students to over-consumption of alcohol and smoking. Strategy #2: Critically Analyze Societal Messages That Harm Resilience As Brown notes, we constantly encounter messages in the media about what we “should” do—for example, how we should look and the products we should buy. These messages aren’t necessarily valid or realistic. For instance, a common societal message, often projected by the beauty industry, is that to be attractive, you must have clear skin and perfectly-styled hair—but this isn’t true. However, Brown argues that if you encounter these societal expectations often enough, you may start believing that they are valid. Furthermore, you might start to judge and shame yourself for not meeting them—which will harm your resilience. To avoid this damage to your resilience, Brown suggests practicing critical awareness. This means evaluating the media you consume and the expectations that it communicates: Are those expectations really valid or realistic? Would following them actually make your life better? Questioning the expectations will help you to realize that they’re unreasonable and that you shouldn’t try to live up to them. By keeping this in mind, you can protect your worthiness—and, consequently, your resilience. Which Media Gives Messages That We Should Critically Analyze? In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown highlights television commercials as a major source of harmful societal messages that we must critically analyze. For example, many commercials feature extremely slim people who are held up as models of beauty, perpetuating the expectation that to be thin, you must be beautiful—a message that warrants analysis, since it’s arguably neither valid nor realistic. However, commercials aren’t the only source of these harmful messages. In recent years, social media has also become a leading source of damaging societal expectations that we must view critically. For instance, there are concerns that content on Instagram—a platform that hit 1 billion monthly users in 2018—promotes various standards of living that are highly unrealistic, but that users feel they must adhere to. These include unrealistic beauty standards. On Instagram, users regularly “filter” and otherwise edit their photos to make themselves look slimmer, change the size of their facial features, and remove skin blemishes. These edited posts are often held up as a standard of beauty, despite the fact that they don’t reflect reality. In fact, these standards are so unrealistic that many women would need to have plastic surgery (or at least continue to heavily edit their photos) to achieve them. Such unrealistic and invalid standards are a prime target for critical analysis: Should we really be holding ourselves to standards that no person could naturally achieve? Strategy #3: Refuse to Numb Negative Emotions According to Brown, numbing is a common response to uncomfortable negative emotions. We’re afraid of feeling these emotions, so we try to “take the edge off” them—for instance, by consuming alcohol. The problem with this approach is that numbing leads to positive emotions being dulled as well as negative ones—and being unable to feel positive emotions can harm your resilience. As Brown notes, one thing that helps us to get through tough times is recalling happier times. If you’re unable to fully experience positive emotions, you won't have as much positivity to draw on when you’re struggling. Instead of giving in to the temptation of numbing, Brown suggests forcing yourself to feel and address your negative emotions. For example, if you’re feeling sad, allow yourself to cry and fully explore the root of your sadness: where it's come from, and why it’s so powerful. (Shortform note: While feeling and understanding your negative emotions may help you to process them healthily, some authors believe that dwelling on these emotions—in other words, thinking about and analyzing them for too long—may be counterproductive. For instance, Daniel Goleman argues that extensively ruminating on difficult emotions like anger and anxiety can actually increase and extend your emotional pain, rather than helping you to manage it. In other words, addressing negative emotions may be a delicate balance: Don’t ignore or numb your feelings, but don’t let them consume you for too long, either.) Strategy #4: Embrace Spirituality During her research, Brown found that having a deep sense of spirituality is one of the most crucial factors in cultivating resilience. She defines spirituality as recognizing the existence of a higher power that connects us all. (The “higher power” in this equation could be a religious power, such a god, but it doesn’t have to be.) According to Brown, embracing spirituality increases resilience in a number of ways. For instance, she argues that the feeling of connection to others and a higher power that spirituality brings makes overcoming tough times feel easier. Being resilient is less challenging if you feel you’re not alone. (Shortform note: Embracing spirituality or religion may have more benefits to mental health than just increasing resilience. According to a report by UK charity The Mental Health Foundation, research links spirituality to decreased levels of depression and anxiety. Spiritual beliefs may also aid recovery from trauma. However, the report notes that the picture isn’t clear-cut: Research indicates that some forms of spirituality, such as strict religious observance, can trigger or worsen mental health issues.) Practice Stillness and Calm to Fight Anxiety Brown’s next strategy for developing inner strength and living Wholeheartedly is fighting anxiety. According to Brown’s research, people who live Wholeheartedly aren’t necessarily free from anxiety. Instead, they maintain an awareness of their anxiety while simultaneously looking for ways to reduce its impact. (Shortform note: Learning how to cope with anxiety is arguably becoming increasingly important as more and more people report feeling anxious. A study published in 2020 found that rates of anxiety increased in the United States between 2008 and 2018, particularly among young people. Another, earlier study also found that rates of anxiety increased in both young adults and children from the 1950s to the 1990s.) Practicing Stillness and Calm In Brown’s view (and from her personal experience), an effective way to reduce the impact of anxiety is to practice stillness and calm. Let’s look at each practice individually. Practicing Stillness According to Brown, practicing stillness means taking the time to be still and quiet. This might take the form of praying, meditating, or just having some reflective alone time. Brown emphasizes that being still doesn’t mean clearing your mind of all thoughts—a daunting prospect for many of us. Instead, it’s about creating some quiet “space” in your mind which you can use to reflect and relax. Brown acknowledges that practicing stillness may be uncomfortable at first. Many of us actively avoid being still because having a constant background noise of thoughts in our minds helps to drown out uncomfortable, anxious thoughts—for instance, thoughts about our flaws or things we’re dissatisfied with. However, Brown notes that our anxiety will never recede if we don’t bring these thoughts to the surface and address them—and forcing ourselves to be still is an important part of this process. (Shortform note: Research suggests that various types of stillness—such as meditation, prayer, and mindfulness practice—can reduce symptoms of stress, anxiety, and even depression. To learn more about mindfulness—an increasingly popular stillness practice—read our guide to Mindfulness in Plain English, which presents mindfulness as a way to achieve mental peace and tranquility.) Practicing Calm Brown conceives practicing calm as a more complex process than being still. In her view, a major aspect of calmness is stopping yourself from acting on strong, reactionary emotions, particularly strong negative emotions such as anger or fear—something many of us are prone to doing when we’re in a stressful or unexpected situation. Brown notes that reactionary responses often make things worse, not least because we haven’t thought our response through. For example, if a colleague unexpectedly criticizes your work, your visceral reaction might be to criticize them right back or challenge them rudely. The results of this reaction will probably be overwhelmingly negative: The colleague is likely to get angry at you, which will create a conflict-ridden, anxiety-inducing situation. Meanwhile, if you curb your instant emotional reaction and respond to your colleague in a measured way—for instance, asking them how they’ve come to this conclusion about your work and what you might do to improve it—you’ll keep the situation calm. So, how can you stop yourself from being reactionary? Brown suggests taking a moment to breathe before you react. This gives you the time to think before you act and analyze whether acting on your emotions is the right approach. Other Ways to Keep Calm Brown isn’t alone in suggesting that pausing before you react can help you stay calm. Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, also recommend this practice, although they conceive it as counting to 10 before you react, rather than pausing only briefly. > Here are some other soothing strategies to use during stressful or anxiety-inducing situations: Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, recommends challenging your anxious thoughts to promote calmness. For instance, if anxiety makes you think, “this situation is a disaster,” you might challenge the thought by asking, “is this situation really that bad? Will I even remember it in a week, a month, or a year? How might this situation actually turn out well?” Approaching a loved one and asking for a hug may also help you to keep calm. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk argues that physical touch such as hugging has a soothing effect, helping even victims of trauma to feel protected and calm. In The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale suggests that repeating calming words —such as “serenity” or “tranquility”—can promote inner peace and calmness. (In contrast, repeatedly saying or thinking anxious statements, such as “this is a disaster,” will only make you more anxious.) Exercise: Practice Self-Compassion to Fight Perfectionism Learn how to practice self-compassion to overcome perfectionism. Describe a situation in which you were very self-critical. What drove this self-criticism? Had you made a mistake, or failed in some way? Consider how perfectionism may have played a part in this incident. Did you strive to appear perfect, only to fall short? Were you criticizing yourself for failing to meet impossible standards? Imagine you had the chance to react to the same situation again. How could you treat yourself in a more compassionate way? (Remember the three tools of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.) Exercise: Practice Calm to Fight Anxiety Learn how to practice calm in stressful situations. Describe a recent situation in which you struggled to remain calm. What made the situation so stressful? Did the situation trigger any strong negative emotions—for example, anger or fear? How did these emotions influence your reaction to the situation? (For instance, did they cause you to hastily act in a way that you now regret?) Imagine you’re faced with a similar situation in the future. What could you do to stop yourself from having an instant emotional reaction? (Remember: Pausing before you react and challenging anxious thoughts are two practices that can help you to keep your emotions in check.)