The Conscious Discipline Brain State Model

The Conscious Discipline Brain State Model A Neurodevelopmental Model that Focuses on Internal States First and Behavior Second The Conscious Discipline Brain State Model becomes a framework for us to understand the internal brain-body states that are most likely to produce certain behaviors in children and in ourselves. With this awareness, we learn to consciously manage our own thoughts and emotions so we can help children learn to do the same. The goal of this model is not to turn into neuroscientists, but to provide a simplified brain model as a means for increasing our self-awareness so we can respond consciously to the needs of the moment. Our multidisciplinary approach surpasses behavioral approaches that teach specific behaviors, and offers a neuro-developmental model of the brain based on and adapted from the work of Bruce Perry, Daniel Siegel, Allan Schore, Louis Cozolino, Joseph LeDoux, Paul MacLean, and Alexander Luria.  Executive State: Problem-solving and learning  Emotional State: Our response to upset  Survival State: Fight, flight or surrender. Survival State asks the question, “Am I safe?” The only way to soothe the survival state is through the creation of safety. In a survival state where we feel triggered by threat, these skills are flight, fight or surrender. We can’t think clearly to add 45 plus 68 when a tiger is chasing us. In the modern world, the tiger may be a disrespectful child, but our brain’s evolutionary skill set is the same: fight, flight or surrender. Emotional State asks the question “Am I loved?” The only way to soothe an upset emotional state is through the creation of connection. Emotional State is our response to upset – and can only be soothed through connection. An upset emotional state is triggered by the world not going our way. It limits our ability to see from another’s point of view. This upset, unconscious state keeps us on autopilot so our words and tone match those of key authority figures from our childhood. We revert to disciplining the same ways we were disciplined, even if we know these behaviors to be ineffective or hurtful. Executive State asks the question, “What can I learn?’ The Executive State is the optimal state of problem-solving and learning. Conscious Discipline empowers us to be conscious of brain-body states in ourselves and children. It then provides us with the practical skills we need to manage our thoughts, feeling and actions. With this ability to self-regulate, we are able to teach children to do the same. By doing this, we help children who are physically aggressive (survival state) or verbally aggressive (emotional state) become more integrated so they can learn and use problem-solving skills (executive state). When we understand the brain state model, we can clearly see the importance of building our homes, schools and businesses on the core principles of safety, connection and problem-solving. Executive State is the optimal state for problem-solving and learning. As we learn to regulate and integrate our internal state to be one of relaxed alertness, we are able access our own brilliance. We are empowered to change and make wise choices. An integrated executive state frees us from past conditioning, attunes us to the feelings and experiences of others, enables us to remain focused enough to set and achieve goals, and allows us to consciously respond instead of automatically react to life events. Seven Powers for Conscious Adults The biggest threat to a child’s sense of safety is an out-of-control adult. The key to safety is a conscious, mindful adult. Power of Perception BIG IDEA: Power of Acceptance No one can make you angry without your permission. BIG IDEA: GOAL: To teach adults and children to take responsibility for our own upset. The moment is as it is. GOAL: To learn to respond to what life offers instead of attempting to make the world go our way. Power of Unity BIG IDEA: Power of Love We are all in this together. BIG IDEA: GOAL: To perceive compassionately, and offer compassion to others and to ourselves. Choose to see the best in others. Power of Attention GOAL: Seeing the best in others keeps us in the higher centers of our brain so we can consciously respond instead of unconsciously react to life events. BIG IDEA: Whatever we focus on, we get more of. GOAL: To create images of expected behavior in a child’s brain. Power of Intention BIG IDEA: Mistakes are opportunities to learn. Power of Free Will BIG IDEA: The only person you can change is you. GOAL: Learning to connect and guide instead of force and coerce. GOAL: To teach a new skill rather than punishing others for lacking skills we think they should possess by now. Seven Skills of Discipline Ever felt at a loss for how to deal with power struggles, defiance, verbal attacks, bullying or physical aggression? Have you ever wondered what would help children stay on task, pay attention, or finish their work? The Seven Skills of Discipline can transform these everyday discipline issues into teaching moments. These moments are our opportunity to teach children the social-emotional and communication skills necessary to manage themselves, resolve conflict, prevent bullying and develop pro-social behaviors. Transform everyday discipline issues into teaching moments. The seven skills emerge from the foundation of the Seven Powers for Conscious Adults. As we become more conscious of our reactions to conflict, we can choose a different response. The seven skills teach you to respond to conflict in a way that helps children move from the resistant, lower centers of their brain to the more cooperative, higher centers. CONSCIOUS SKILL LIFE / COMMUNICATION SKILLS VALUE Composure Anger management, delay of gratification Integrity Encouragement Pro-social skills: kindness, caring, helpfulness Interdependence, optimism, gratitude Assertiveness Bully prevention, healthy boundaries Respect for self and others Choices Impulse control, goal achievement Persistence Empathy Emotional regulation, perspectivetaking Honoring diversity, honesty Positive Intent Cooperation, problem-solving Compassion, generosity Consequences Learning from your mistakes Responsibility By implementing the powers and skills together, we learn to stay in control of ourselves and in charge of children in a manner that models the same skills we seek to teach. This, combined with the willingness generated by the School Family, empowers children to successfully learn and internalize lifelong skills. Conscious Discipline’s original application is in the classroom, but these methods apply seamlessly to all human interactions. Conscious Discipline has the power to affect every relationship. It now includes a program designed specifically for parents. CD for Parents: Teaching Your Children How to Follow Your Directions with Success Posted on July 30, 2017 by Fran Rubio-Katz Scaffolding in Parenting In education, teachers are taught how to scaffold lessons to ensure student success. Scaffolding is a process where teachers break down information into digestible chunks. They model how to think about information, or they demonstrate how to solve a problem. Then, teachers support students through the process. Teachers are available to reteach parts of the lesson as needed, positive correction is provided and questions are encouraged. As students demonstrate mastery, the teacher pulls back accordingly and the students become independent problem-solvers of similar problems. If you’ve ever helped your kid with a science project, you have an idea of what scaffolding is NOT! Your child may have received science fair instructions in the form of a six-inch thick packet or directed to a website navigable only by a Ph.D. YOU probably did the project. You probably gave up your last weekend of Winter Break for this stress and mess and are now an authority on how glycerin effects bubble size. Most likely, your child still does not know what a bubble solution is and could not do a science fair project to save her life. As parents, we are our children’s first and foremost teachers. When you tell your children, “Clean your rooms,” and they look at you like you just handed them a science fair packet the day before Winter Break, it means you need to scaffold! Scaffolding our instructions ensures our children’s success and contributes to the harmony of our homes. The Conscious Discipline® acronym M.A.P. is designed to help parents scaffold information, in order to teach their children how to follow directions with success! Here’s how it works: M stands for MODEL Modeling means you demonstrate WHAT TO DO and HOW TO DO it. A helpful Scaffolding Technique to support modeling is called “Think Aloud.” You literally think OUT LOUD, modeling how to think about, handle or problem-solve a process or situation. Say you happen to have a captive audience in your messy kitchen. Take that as an opportunity to Think Aloud! You may say, “Hmm… I have dirty dishes on the table and dirty dishes in the sink. How can I handle this? Where can I begin? I know! First, I’m going to rinse the dirty dishes that are in the sink and put them in the dishwasher. Next, I’m going to clear the table. Then, I’m going to rinse those dirty dishes and finish by putting them into the dishwasher.” A stands for ADD PICTURES As Stephen Covey often said (The 7 Habits Guy), “Begin with the end in mind.” Show your children a picture of what their rooms look like when YOU consider it clean. A helpful Scaffolding Technique to support Adding Pictures is to always show your children the outcome or product before they do it. You could say, “When your room matches this picture, then you will know you are done.” Pictures of the concrete process, or a Graphic Organizer, are an additional resource for younger children or children with extra or different needs. List the steps and add a visual cue per step. Use clip art or pictures. Post the visual aid at your child’s eye level to ensure it is “readable” to your child so they don’t feel embarrassed or controlled. Older children who need additional support often prefer a checklist. There are a number of apps designed for this purpose or you can make a good ole’ fashioned checklist and teach your child to check off as each task as it is done! P stands for PRACTICE Let’s get this out of the way: Practice does NOT make perfect, but consistent practice sure does makes progress! Guide your child through each step of the modeled process with a picture posted nearby of the finished product or a “readable” step by step guide. Make it “readable” by adding pictures and posting it at your child’s eye-level. For younger children use transition and sequencing words like, “FIRST, you put your dirty clothes in the hamper. What does your picture schedule say is NEXT?” Or, “You put your stuffed animals on your bed. What did you do BEFORE that?” Referring to the picture schedule when you ask these questions teaches your child that the picture schedule is a helpful resource. For older children, ask specific, guiding and open-ended questions and PAUSE! Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes or no and steer clear of asking, “Why?” Pausing allows the child to reflect, think and problem-solve, all of which exercise Executive Functioning Skills! Helpful open-ended questions may sound like, “It looks like you are in the middle of sorting through those Pokémon cards. What do you think is the best way to store your cards?” Or, “I notice you have a couple of extra volleyball practices this week. What is your plan for having a clean uniform for each practice?” Every good teacher knows we must differentiate instruction to provide the most effective learning experiences possible. Our children may learn at varied paces, require more or less support and require information be taught in different ways. Differentiating our instruction as parents means we deliver our lessons, even on how to clean up a room, in a way that will reach our children. It may take a few shots, especially if we have a pattern resistant child… the ones we say march to their own beat! No matter who your child is, it is your job to try and be consistent, structured and encouraging. Mistakes will happen and use each one as opportunity to learn. Most of all have FUN because someday your children will be living in their own clean homes and you may find yourself longing for a little mess. CD for Parents: How Do I Respond When Other Children Are Being Mean to Mine? Posted on July 28, 2017 by Amanda Bagwell “Sometimes when we are around family members or friends who do not have consistent behavior expectations for their children, their child has a tendency to be mean to my child. My first reaction is for “Mama Bear” to come out and jump all over that child. Usually though, I do nothing. What would be an appropriate and helpful way to respond to this type of behavior with other people’s children?” BREATHE. As always, the first step to handling difficult behaviors is to pause and breathe. The skill of composure helps us to turn off the negative responses to our situations and refocus our energy in a positive direction. Take a moment to breathe deeply and calm yourself before responding to the situation. ATTRIBUTE POSITIVE INTENT. When someone else’s child acts in a hurtful way towards your child, stay in your place of calm and attribute positive intent to the misbehavior. You do this by saying to yourself something like, “Oops, they must not know how to use kind words,” rather than “I can’t believe they are acting like this…they should know better!” Positive intent helps you stay in a problem-solving state and helps you to offer those problem-solving skills to children. You can even demonstrate this skill to your child and the other child when you approach them about their behavior. While you might be tempted to ignore the behavior altogether, or choose a frustrated or angry response, instead begin with something like, “Oops! It looks like you may not know how to use helpful behavior. I will help you, so we can all stay safe.” Remember to use a sincere tone, not a sarcastic one. This isn’t a time for sarcasm or shaming, it’s a time for teaching. USE ASSERTIVE LANGUAGE. In Conscious Discipline, we learn that assertive language is the voice of no doubt…it is what it is. To practice an assertive voice, you can recite something like, “The sky is blue, the grass is green, you may not hit…hitting hurts.” Using a formula like this helps to keep your tone from sounding passive or aggressive. Passive language would sound like, “Let’s not hit, please.” Please and thank you are polite words we use when someone does a favor for us. For example, “Could you please grab a bottle of water for me too?” Using the word “please” implies a question. The person you are speaking to can choose to respond with yes or no. When you are giving directions or relaying a behavior expectation to a child, you are simply stating what is. You are not asking a question and their behavior is not a favor to you, it is an expectation. So, instead of, “Let’s not push, please,” use an assertive phrase like this, “You may not push. Pushing is not safe. You may use a helpful touch like this or you may keep your hands to yourself like this” and then demonstrate what “helpful touch” and “hands to yourself” look like. Also, avoid aggressive language and tone. An aggressive tone sounds loud and forceful, with the intent of talking “over” someone so that they have no choice but to listen. You can even deliver an assertive phrase in an aggressive tone. To avoid this, remember the formula from above. “The sky is blue, the grass is green, you may not hit…hitting hurts.” Aggressive language comes as an angry response, with the intent to punish. Aggressive words may sound like, “Hey, you better stop it right now! Don’t you dare push my child!” or “Quit being a brat! No one will play with you if you act like that!” Unlike passive or aggressive language, assertive language stays calm and helps facilitate problem solving. YOU MAY, YOU MAY, YOU MAY NOT. A helpful phrase for using assertive language and setting limits is the “You may___, you may ___, you may not ___” formula. For example, if another child is pushing your child, you can use an assertive tone and set limits by saying, “You may use gentle touch like this (demonstrate), you may keep your hands to yourself like this (demonstrate), you may not push.” Using this phrasing helps to paint a picture with your words and lets the child know exactly what the limits and expectations are. GIVE YOUR CHILD A VOICE. Help your own child discover and use their own “big voice” by demonstrating the skill in the moment. Ask your child, “Did you like it when _____ hit you?” When they respond with a “no,” Then help them with the language to communicate limits. Practice with your child and have them repeat after you, “_____, I don’t like it when you hit me. Hitting hurts. Keep your hands to yourself.” When your child is able to say this with a confident, assertive tone, they are ready to try it with the other child. Have your child and the other child stand in front of you and guide your child in using their assertive language. Guide the other child in a response, “Can you do that?” If they say no or refuse to participate, you can have your child not play with them and say something like, “If you can’t play safe, then _____ will not be able to play with you because it is my job to keep him/her safe.” A wonderful tool to help teach your child the skill of assertive language is the book, Shubert’s Big Voice by Dr. Becky Bailey. This book is available on the Conscious Discipline website. YOU’VE GOT THIS! Parenting is tough enough with your own children, but when other children are acting in a hurtful way toward your child, it’s even more easy to lose your cool or become frustrated. It’s also difficult when you have other parents or family members watching you. In these moments, remember your own commitments. You have every right as a parent to set healthy boundaries for how others treat your children and to teach your children how to do the same for themselves. Take a deep breath and know that you’ve got this! You can do it! As always, I wish you well! CD for Parents: Help – My Kids are Wild Around Others! Posted on July 28, 2017 by Amanda Bagwell “When I am one-on-one with my kids at home, I feel like things are going smoothly, but when they get around other kids, who may not have the same expectations for behavior, my kids just go nuts and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. What kinds of expectations should I give my kids when we’re going to be around others and how do I hold them accountable to them?” KEEP CALM. As with all parenting frustrations, the first step is always to breathe. The skill of composure helps us to turn off the negative responses to our situations and refocus our energy in a positive direction. Take a moment to breathe deeply and calm yourself. BE CONSISTENT. Good expectations for behavior around others won’t necessarily be any different than your expectations at home. For example, your expectations at home may be, “kind words” “helpful hands” “listening ears” etc. When you’re going to be around others, remind your child of these expectations and help them to make healthy commitments to follow them. STAY POSITIVE. Remember to phrase expectations in a positive way. For example, instead of “no hitting” you would say something like “keep your hands to yourself.” It would be great to use visuals for these as well. Keep the number of expectations between 3 and 5. Too many will be overwhelming. USE VISUALS. Since children think in pictures, visuals are always a helpful tool for communicating. Print our draw visuals to go with each expectation that are small enough to take with you. You can keep these in the car, your purse or other bag that you will have handy. Use these visuals when you are reviewing them with your children, such as right before you get out of the car. ATTRIBUTE POSITIVE INTENT. If (actually, it’s more like when) they begin to get wild, stay in your place of calm and attribute positive intent to the misbehavior. You do this by saying to yourself, “Oops, they must have forgotten their commitments and expectations,” rather than “I can’t believe they are acting like this…they know better!” Positive intent helps you stay in a problem-solving state and helps you to offer those problemsolving skills to your child. You can even demonstrate this skill to your child when you approach them about their behavior. While you might be tempted to ignore the behavior altogether, or choose a frustrated or angry response, instead begin with something like, “Oops! It looks like you have forgotten your commitments for helpful behavior. Let me help you remember so we can all stay safe.” Remember to use a sincere tone, not a sarcastic one. This isn’t a time for sarcasm or shaming, it’s a time for teaching. DEPLOY YOUR TOOLS. Depending on what they’re doing, you may verbally remind them of the expectations like this, “Remember helpful hands. Helpful hands do not hit.” If you have them, use your visuals. Pull out the visual and use it to remind your child or the expectation like this, “Look here. Remember kind words.” You can also tie in a consequence with an if/then statement like this, “If you hit, then will happen. What will happen if you hit?” and have them repeat it to you. Follow up with any clarification and a tie to safety or logic, like this, “Yes, if you hit, ______ will happen, so I can keep you safe.” YOU’VE GOT THIS! Parenting is a tough gig! It’s easy to be tempted to revert to “old tools” and “quick fixes” when you’re under the perceived pressure of other parents or family members watching you. You may not want to seem “too mean,” especially if the other parents are letting their children run wild. On the other end of the spectrum, you may not want to seem like a “push-over” under the judgmental watch of uber authoritarian types. In these moments, remember your own commitments. You (and your children) are not in the public eye to “put on a show” for others, so let that pressure fall off of you like water off of a duck’s back. You have committed to raise your children with loving and respectful guidance. Take a deep breath and know that you’ve got this! As always, I wish you well! CD for Parents: The Hijacking! Posted on July 28, 2017 by Jessica Flowers This is a confession! Yep, I hijacked a natural consequence. It’s reported that confession is good for the soul. Just maybe it will be good for someone else also. In 1982, my oldest son was in the third grade. He returned home from school one day and announced that he had a project due the next day; a project about Mars. He’d known about it for weeks he reported. I immediately jumped into the rescue mode. I called Miss Hillary and she agreed to extend the time for Jay. Yeah! I did it! Problem solved. Fast forward the calendar to the Summer of 1997. Jay is now 23 years old. He came to see me one morning and asked me if I remembered a Mars project. Well, yes I do remember. Let me assure you that Jay and I have a great relationship so this kind of conversation is and was normal. He proceeded to tell me that I should not have rescued him. I should have let him feel the natural consequence when he was 8 years old. WOW! How can I argue with him when he is spot on right? When I rescued Jay I made the situation about me and all of my “stuff.” I hijacked an opportunity for Jay to learn from his mistake. Natural consequences are how children learn from their mistakes. Parents can help children reflect on their choices and figure out what changes need to be made. No rescues. No judgements. Yes to encouragement. Yes to empathy. Believe in yourself and believe that your child can handle the situation and learn from it. Don’t hijack the natural consequences. You can do it! CD for Parents: Help! My Spouse and I Are Not On the Same Page Posted on July 28, 2017 by Amanda Bagwell “I am trying to apply the principles I have learned from Conscious Discipline to my parenting practices and impart the same tools to my children. The problem is that my spouse disagrees with me and thinks that more harsh and authoritarian tactics are the correct tools of discipline. What do I do?” BREATHE. As with all parenting frustrations, the first step is always to breathe. The skill of composure helps us to turn off the negative responses to our situations and refocus our energy in a positive direction. Before addressing any stressful issue with your spouse, take a moment to breathe deeply and calm yourself. TIME IT RIGHT. Be cautious to not speak your mind about your spouse’s discipline tools in the heat of a discipline moment or in front of your children. Wait until after the moment has passed and the children are elsewhere…even if your spouse is doing something you completely disagree with. If you do it in the moment or in front of the kids (1) it will likely fuel an angry response from your spouse and diminish the chances that they will ever see things from your point of view and (2) it will demonstrate to your children that their parents are not on the same page and they will learn how to manipulate the situation. They will also learn to favor one parent and not the other. It damages relationships all around and won’t turn out well. For now, let your spouse do it his/her way and you do it yours. OPEN DIALOGUE. In a time of “calm” (remember…not directly after a discipline moment) let your spouse know that you would like to talk about some things you’ve learned. You might say, “Hey, I’m learning about a different way to handle __________” and I’d like to share it with you. Would now be a good time to talk about it?” If “now” isn’t a good time, pick a time that you both agree on and come back to the conversation then. STAY POSITIVE. When you talk to your spouse about discipline, avoid blaming statements or other statements that may cause them to put up their defenses. You want to keep the conversation positive and encouraging so that everyone stays in the higher centers of their brain. The last thing you need to do is say something that causes a brain-stem or emotional response to you because then you’ve lost the battle before you’ve begun. Actually, try not to even think of it as a “battle.” Think of it as a journey. On your journey, you will each learn and try new things and you can offer that newly acquired wisdom to your partner, just as they can off theirs to you. In your conversations, you can say things like, “I’ve been using ____XZY Tool___ with the kids and it seems to really be working. I think it could really work to help strengthen them and our family if we handle these behaviors this way. What do you think?” Open up the dialogue in a non-threatening way, in a moment of little to no stress. Allow them to respond…even disagree…and hear their reasoning. Always point your conversation to positive discipline, building relationships and tie it back to the BrainSmart principles of Conscious Discipline. REMAIN PATIENT. Remember that your spouse is simply speaking his or her first language of discipline, just as you did before you learned a different way. Attribute positive intent and see their discipline tactics as a lack of skills, rather than a threat to your preferred method of parenting. Accept the moment as it is. Instead of stressing on the fact that your spouse is using tools that you don’t like or agree with, shift your focus to what you can control, and that is you. Continue adding new tools as conscious responses to behavior and keep the conversation open with your spouse. Don’t expect change to occur overnight. Over time, the more consistent and supportive you are of them learning a new way, the more you will see their old tools die off as they are no longer needed. As always, I wish you well! CD for Parents: Help! I’m in a “Beginner’s Slump!” Posted on July 28, 2017 by Amanda Bagwell “Help! I’ve learned about parenting with CD and I started strong, but now I just feel like I’m doing it all wrong!” First of all, breathe. The skill of composure helps us to turn off the negative responses to our situations and refocus our energy in a positive direction. Take a moment to breathe deeply and calm. Once you’re in a calm, relaxed state, remember first the power of acceptance. “The moment is as it is.” This is important because when we fight against the moment with what we think “should be” it only creates frustration that can turn into anger or just plain giving up. Avoid giving in to the frustration and anger that can come with feeling like you’re failing. Instead, accept the moment as it is and determine to move forward. You’re a good parent and just seeking out information on how to do this parenting thing in a better way, demonstrates that your intentions and motivations are in the right place. Reaffirm that with yourself as much as possible. Change will not happen in your home overnight…it will probably take more like a few years…and that’s ok. Next, remember the power of attention…what you focus on, you get more of. Focus your attention on one thing at a time. Practice that one thing over and over and celebrate the little victories. Don’t add or expect too much from yourself (or your children) all at once, and in the moments of upset that are sure to come, when you feel like you’ve forgotten everything else, simply remember this formula of state-changing skills to help you and your child get to a problem-solving state of mind: 1. CALM: Upload and download calm: S.T.A.R. (Smile, Take a deep breath, And Relax) Conscious Discipline (and brain science) teaches us that when two eyes meet, a wireless connection is created between the orbital frontal areas of the pre-frontal lobes. From this connection, we literally download inner states into one another. The eyes contain nerve projections that lead directly to the key brain structures for empathy and matching emotions. 2. PAUSE: Take a moment here to consciously shift your focus. 3. NOTICE: Emotions are energy in motion. Emotions begin unconsciously as vibrations in the body. Conscious Discipline teaches the following formula for effective noticing:     Notice the body. Say, “Your face is going like this. Your arms are going like this.” (Demonstrate the child’s actions to make contact and raise awareness.) Label the emotion. As emotions move up into awareness they can be named and ultimately tamed or managed. Say, “You seem _____.” (Fill in the blank with one feeling word like angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, etc.) Acknowledge with Positive Intent. Say, “You wanted or you were hoping __________.” Once conscious, then consciously help the child shift from what they don’t want to what they do want to begin the problem-solving process. In this final shift, the brain becomes an integrated unit with one goal. Remember to do all the things in step 3 quickly. If you pause or move too slowly here, your child is likely to slip back down into using emotional or survival state skills. 4. PROBLEM SOLVE: The brain now has the ability to respond instead of react. Here are some phrases that Conscious Discipline teaches that can help elicit problem-solving:    How could you be helpful right now? What would help you get started? What could you do to solve your problem?      Did you like it when _____ did _____? What could you say to let him/her know how you want to be treated? Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful? Is ______ being safe? What would be safe for you and others? When you _____ then you may _____. If you choose to _____ then _____ will happen. Do you understand what will happen if you choose to _____. As the popular saying goes, “It takes time to turn the Titanic around.” We are all “preprogrammed,” if you will, to rely on our first language of discipline. This is the language that has been handed down to us over time through our interactions with the influential adults in our own lives. This language wasn’t acquired overnight and it won’t be changed overnight either. In the meantime, give yourself grace and attribute to each moment a healthy dose of positive intent. Take baby steps along the way. CD for Parents: It’s Your Choice – Love or Fear Posted on July 28, 2017 by Jessica Flowers Do you ever wonder why you do certain things, like why do you reward yourself with a piece of cake or a new pair of shoes for being a responsible citizen? Why did I just eat two pieces of chocolate cake for just making a good grade? Well, today I got a glimpse of where it just might come from with some other insights along the way. I went for a walk in my neighborhood this morning and ran into a neighbor with her three year old daughter. I joined up with them and we began to catch up with each others lives. Her daughter was on her tricycle having a great time. Her stuffed animal dog was along for the ride. Of course the dog slipped off the bike and none of us noticed for quite a distance. The daughter was the first to notice and she gladly went back on her bike and picked up the dog. Mom watched her safely go back and return. Mom states loudly, “Good job!” I immediately responded to my neighbor “What was so good about that?” She looked at me puzzled. I said “Look at how responsible she was to go back happily and willingly to pick up her dog. Notice and describe what she did and then add that was helpful. When you notice and describe it stimulates her frontal lobes. You’ve authentically noticed her being responsible.” My neighbor immediately responded to her daughter and did a “high five.” The daughter’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. I looked at my neighbor and said “You have a choice. You can say “good job” or you can notice and describe and get a lit up Christmas tree every time.” On we go around the block and my neighbor raises her voice to her daughter to “STOP” at the street as a car was approaching the intersection. The daughter stops and my neighbor rushes to her daughter’s side with anxiety and fear flowing through every cell of her body. She begins to utter the usual remarks as every parent encounters a fearful moment. I kept up with my neighbor and quickly and gently interrupted her remarks by saying to the daughter, “You heard your Mom scream “stop” and you stopped. Mommy’s job is to keep you safe. You stopped. You did it.” Again, her face lit up that she had indeed stopped. She had listened. We continued on our way and my neighbor said to her daughter, “You get five jelly beans when we get home.” The daughter’s face looked a bit confused as to why but she wasn’t about to turn down jelly beans. I asked “Why?” My neighbor answers as if I am from Mars. “We give out jelly beans for good behavior.” My brain is wondering why she is rewarding her daughter for just being responsible … for listening. My brain raced ahead 20 years and I could see this preschooler as a young girl rewarding herself with chocolate cake when she was good. And then I began to go deeper and wonder what compels parents to parent from a posture of fear; a fear that their child won’t be a responsible citizen unless they “reward” their child for just being good. I believe that being in relationship with your child will motivate them to “behave.” Children will more likely choose to behave if they feel noticed for kind acts; for listening. Your words of noticing are the reward! “You went back and picked up your dog. That was helpful.” Your reward is that your child will grow up to be a cooperative, loving and caring adult. It’s your choice: love or fear. CD for Parents: Consequences Are My Friend! Posted on July 28, 2017 by Jessica Flowers Consequences were not my friend for most of my life, not for me, not for my children. Consequences eluded me most of the time that my children were growing up. I believe that’s due most in part because of how I was parented. Consequences, punishments, feeling bad were the name of the game. Thankfully, my perspective has changed over the years. It is as if I have a new pair of glasses that allow me to see the world a bit different. That’s all it takes. A small ripple shifted my entire perspective. Research says that 75-85% of behavior is determined by consequences. Consequences are everywhere! Now that is one big RIPPLE! Once I began watching this in myself and in classrooms, I got it or rather I am beginning to get it! Consequences are meant to teach. What can I learn from this mistake? I am unable to learn anything when I feel bad about myself; it’s counterproductive. It is more about allowing myself or your child to sit with the strong feeling, taking responsibility for whatever choice made at that moment and then learning from it. It could be that I choose not to go to the gym or your child chooses not to do their homework. The learning comes from sitting with the strong feeling. What could I choose differently next time? It could be as simple as saying to myself, “I am not going to the gym today rather than I should go to the gym and then not go.” I believe this kind of thinking literally changes the chemistry in my brain because there is no judgement involved. With your child, it is believing that your child can handle this feeling of OOPS, “I should have done my homework because the consequence was a zero.” The zero is the natural consequence. Now here is the trick. My old self would have “saved” my child which stole the opportunity for my child to learn. The consequence was a zero. You are there to coach your child. Reflective thinking with your child is critical. “What could you do differently next time?” Once you shift your thinking, consequences will be your friend. Make a Ripple in your family or in your classroom for this coming year. Look for those natural consequences and allow yourself, allow your child to sit with the moment and learn from the OOPS. It will be a gift that keeps on giving. Who’s your new friend?