Attraction and Close Relationships

Book notes ● What leads to attraction ● Proximity, mere exposure, and interaction ● The impact of physical attractiveness ● What is beautiful is good ● Why is attraction important ● Similarity ● Reciprocity ● How do early parent-child interactions impact future relationships ● Attachment styles ● Secure attachment style ● Fearful avoidant attachment style ● Preoccupied attachment style ● Dismissive attachment style ● Can attachment style change ● What factors influence and define romantic love ● The role of gender ● Passionate love ● Can fear lead to passionate love ● Companionate love ● The triangular theory of love ● Romantic love across cultures ● Is marriage the end goal of romantic love ● How are relationships maintained ● Social exchange theory ● Equity theory ● The investment model ● Exchange and communal relationships ● The four horsemen ● What role does conflict play in relationships ● The impact of attributions ● The green eyed monster ● Are there benefits in the dissolution of a relationship ● Attachment style: the degree of security experienced in interpersonal relationships ● Communal relationship: a relationship in which partners expect mutual responsiveness to one another’s needs ● Companionate love: the affection we feel for people with whom our lives are deeply intertwined ● Dismissive attachment style: a conflicted, insecure attachment style characterized by high self-esteem and low interpersonal trust ● Equity theory: theory that relationships are most satisfying when the ratio between benefits and contributions is similar for both partners ● Exchange relationship: a relationship in which partners expect strict reciprocity ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Excitation transfer: the process by which arousal from one stimulus can be transferred to the second stimulus, a person Fearful avoidant attachment style: the most insecure of the attachment styles, characterized by low self-esteem and low interpersonal trust Interpersonal trust: involves the belief that people are generally trustworthy and dependable as opposed to the opposite and is the attitude that underlies the development of attachment styles Investment: those resources that have been devoted to a relationship that cannot be retrieved Matching hypothesis: the hypothesis that people are more likely to form longstanding relationships with others whose social attributes match with theirs and with those who are similar in physical attractiveness Mere exposure: the hypothesis that the mere repeated exposure of an individual to a stimulus is enough for an increase in favorable response to that stimulus Need for affiliation: the desire to establish and maintain his or her partner’s behaviors in negative ways Negative attributional style: occurs when a person explains his or her partner’s behaviors in negative ways Passionate love: a state of intense longing for union with another Preoccupied attachment style: a conflicted, insecure attachment style characterized by low self-esteem and high interpersonal trust Proportion of similarity: an equation that divides the number of topics on which two people express similar views by the total number of topics on which they have communicated, resulting in a prediction of attraction Proximity: physical closeness, the smaller the physical distance, the more likely the two people will experience repeat contact, which could lead to the development of mutual attraction Reciprocity: the exchange of what we receive for what we get, which can include liking those who like us back Repulsion hypothesis: states that similarity doesn’t actually have any effect on attraction Secure attachment style: the most successful of the attachment styles, characterized by high self-esteem and high interpersonal trust Social exchange theory: an economic model of human behavior in which people make decisions based on maximizing benefits and minimizing costs in relationships Triangular theory of love: Robert Sternberg’s theory that love is made of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment The hypothesis that repeated contact with a stimulus is enough for an increase in favorable response to that stimulus is called: mere exposure Studies of the concept of physical attractiveness across cultures have found that: there is very little difference in what is considered physically attractive by people from different cultures According to evolutionary psychologists: men seek out physically attractive mates while women seek out mates with access to resources ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Interaction between parents and their infants is encouraged by the release of: oxytocin When attachment style results from low self esteem paired with high interpersonal trust?: preoccupied attachment style Which attachment style results from high self esteem paired with low interpersonal trust: dismissive attachment style The type of love often seen in long term relationships and characterized by stability and calm is called: companionate love Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love describes the relationship between: intimacy, passion, and commitment One of the “Four Horsemen” stonewalling involves: emotional withdrawal When one explains his or her partner’s behavior in a negative way, he or she is showing evidence of: negative attributional style Powerpoint ● Attraction and Close Relationships ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● The Need for Affiliation Desire to make and keep close personal relationships Those with close friendships have better health than those without Low social interaction compares to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is twice as harmful as obesity or not exercising (Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010) Our psychological health is also better The brain may register social pain as it does physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003) The Need to Belong Need to belong is powerful drive within human psyche (Baumeister & Leary, 1995) the desire to form and maintain close, lasting relationships with other individuals Even supposed loners need at least one friend People usually form relationships easily People are reluctant to end relationships The Need to Belong Two ingredients to belongingness Regular social contact with others Close, stable, mutually intimate contact Having mutual concern for one another Having one without the other = partial satisfaction The Need to Belong People do not continue to form relationships Most people seek four to six close relationships* Even in people-rich environments, most people form social circles of about six people ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Not Belonging Is Bad for You Failure to satisfy a need to belong leads to significant health problems Death rates are higher among people without social connections People without a good social network have more physical and mental health problems Rather than close friends or romantic relationships the need to belong for some can be satisfied by being connected to a group or organization Social Drives for Attraction Mating and reproduction Supportive relationships Sharing resources Financial and emotional support Informative relationships Sharing knowledge What Leads to Attraction? "Attraction" refers to both romantic and social attraction (lovers as well as friends) Proximity, mere exposure, and interaction Proximity is the physical closeness between two individuals Smaller proximity leads to more repeated contacts and mutual attraction Are you "into" someone who lives near you (on your street or in your dorm?) What Leads to Attraction? Mere exposure (the effect created by close proximity) The more we come into contact with something, the more we will like it (Zajonc, 1968) Tends to be true, unless our first impression is a negative one Can hold true for photographs as well as live contact (repeated commercials) What Leads to Attraction? (continued) Mere exposure and proximity lead to interaction, which is a key to attraction With the internet now, though, interaction CAN come without exposure/proximity Attraction: Who Likes Whom? Ingratiation What people actively do to try to make others like them *People like people who are nice to them Similarity Common and significant cause of attraction *“similarity breeds liking” Demographics, beliefs, opinions, personality, experiences Repulsion hypothesis – we aren’t attracted to similarity, but we are repulsed by dissimilarity (Rosenbaum, 1986) ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Similarity (continued) Proportion of similarity Turns attraction into mathematics Divide topics of similarity by total number of topics discussed The higher the outcome (ratio), the greater the attraction Attraction: Social Rewards Reinforcement theory Reinforced behaviors will be repeated In attraction, people like those who are rewarding to them Interpersonal rewards Do favors for someone Praise someone Attraction: Reciprocity Liking begets liking (reciprocity) Mimicking increases liking Chameleon effect – “nonconscious mimicry of the postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviors of one's interaction partners, such that one's behavior passively and unintentionally changes to match that of others in one's current social environment” (Chartrand & Bargh, 1999). If someone likes you, initially it is very favorable, but if they do not want to reciprocate, it can be a burden Attraction: Exposure Propinquity Being near someone on a regular basis Mere-exposure effect People with similar experiences like each other Lab participants who experienced electric shocks together liked each other more Familiarity encourages liking Automatically liking people you see regularly allows humans to form stable groups easily Is Bad Stronger Than Good? Neighbors Make Friends – and Enemies Festinger et al. (1950) MIT housing study Strongest predictor of friendships was propinquity Ebbesen et al. (1976) Strongest predictor of enemies was propinquity Regular contact amplifies or multiplies power of other factors Attraction: Similarity People change to become more similar to those with whom they interact High self-monitoring – maximize each social situation Spend more conscious effort to fit in Low self-monitoring – interested in permanent connections and feelings ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Attraction: Similarity Matching hypothesis People tend to pair up with others of similar attractiveness Spouses are similar in many respects IQ, physical attractiveness, education, SES Couples more similar in attractiveness more likely to progress to committed relationship What Leads to Attraction? (continued) The impact of physical attractiveness Whether we admit it or not, looks do matter Attractiveness affects all sorts of things, including how much money we earn Standards of beauty may be quite similar across many cultures Attraction: Attractiveness What is beautiful is good effect Attractiveness = superiority on other traits Most people show preference for attractive over unattractive Univ. of Minnesota 1966 – randomly matched blind dates Physical attractiveness strongest predictor of 2nd date above intelligence, independence, sincerity, or sensitivity Attractive children are more popular with peers and teachers Babies prefer attractive faces Attraction: Attractiveness For men, clothing represents wealth and status High wealth and status men are more attractive Body shape influences attractiveness Cultural variation in ideal body weight .7 hip-to-waist ratio is universally attractive in women (Singh, 1993; Henss, 1995) The Social Side of Sex - What Is Beauty? Evolutionary psychology – beauty = health Symmetry is a powerful source of beauty Typicality is a source of beauty Average or composite faces are more attractive than individual faces How do Early Parent-Child Interactions Impact Future Relationships? For most of us, our parents are our first personal contact This relationship "lays the groundwork" for future interpersonal relationships in life Oxytocin – the bonding hormone Physical contact increases oxytocin levels in mothers and in babies Men are as hardwired to bond with children as women Attachment Styles Attachment is the degree of security experienced in a relationship Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby were pioneers in this area ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Bowlby – self-esteem and interpersonal trust (IPT) are affected by early caregiver-child relationships IPT – the extent to which we believe that people are trustworthy and reliable Ainsworth – developed the “Strange Situation” to identify attachment style in young children. Relationship Questionnaire It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others accept me. I am not comfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I worry that others don't value me as much as I value them. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me. Attachment Theory Two dimensions Anxiety and Avoidance Four attachment styles Secure attachment Dismissing avoidant attachment Fearful avoidant attachment Preoccupied attachment Attachment Styles Secure attachment Low anxiety; low avoidance Positive attitude toward others and self Preoccupied attachment (anxious/ambivalent) Low avoidance; high anxiety Positive attitude toward others; negative attitude toward self Attachment Styles Dismissing avoidant attachment Low anxiety; High avoidance Negative attitude toward others; positive toward self Fearful avoidant attachment High anxiety; High avoidance Low opinions of self and others ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Attachment and Personality People with secure attachment styles are generally happier and more well-adjusted than insecure styles People with insecure attachment are more likely to suffer from psychological disorders Attachment and Sex Secure Generally have good sex lives Preoccupied May use sex to pull others close to them Avoidant Have a desire for connection May avoid sex, or use it to resist intimacy What Factors Influence and Define Romantic Love? The role of gender Evolutionary theory looks at mate preference and reproductive potential Are men more "into" beauty because it signals fertility? Are women more into men with "stuff" because they are better providers? Men and women are both interested in "healthy and wealthy mates." Passionate Love A state of intense longing for union with one’s partner The first appearance of passionate love may coincide with puberty Is highly related to increased physical arousal Not just that kind of arousal.. Passionate Love (continued) Can fear lead to passionate love? Do intense circumstances cause us to mistake physical arousal for love? Excitation transfer – says exactly that! The stimulation from one stimulus can be transferred onto another stimulus Misattribution of arousal (Dutton & Aron, 1974) Passionate Love (continued) Companionate love Feeling affection for someone when your lives are intertwined More stable and calm than passionate love Passionate and Companionate Love. Over time, the thrill of new love usually fades, and a calmer kind of love takes its place. What Is Love? Passionate Love Strong feelings of longing, desire, and excitement toward a special person Companionate Love Mutual understanding and caring Physiological difference Presence of PEA - phenylethylamine – neurotransmitter that produces strong emotional feelings, intense and frequent sexual desire ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● The Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg) There are three components of love Intimacy – feelings of closeness and connectedness Passion – physical attraction and sexual consummation Commitment – the decision to be in love and to stay in love The combination of these three components leads to eight different types of love The Triangular Theory of Love Romantic love across cultures Individualist cultures place more value on intimacy and romantic love The problem is that individualism and intimacy may be at odds Some research finds similarities across cultures Hong Kong Chinese and British respondents both endorsed predestiny and fate in relationships The Triangular Theory of Love (continued) Is marriage the end goal of romantic love? Does marriage predict positive effects in life? Some research says yes, but Other research says it is marital satisfaction that is the key What about arranged marriages? What about same-sex marriages? How Are Relationships Maintained? Social exchange theory People based behaviors on maximizing benefits and minimizing costs How romantic... Equity theory Relationships are the best when we give as much as we get, and get as much as we give Investment Model Three factors to explain long-term relationships Satisfaction – are you satisfied with partner? Alternatives – Is there someone you’d be more satisfied with? Investments – How much time, effort, emotion have you already spent on this partner? Considered together they predict the likelihood of maintaining the relationship How Are Relationships Maintained? (continued) The investment model The more resources (time, energy, self-disclosure) we put into a relationship, the higher our commitment Exchange and communal relationships Exchange – strict reciprocity is expected Communal – partners expect mutual responsiveness to needs Different Types of Relationships Exchange relationships ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● based on reciprocity and fairness, in which people expect something in return More frequent in broader society Increases societal progress and wealth Communal relationships based on mutual love and concern, without expectation or repayment More frequent in close intimate relationships More desirable, healthier, and mature Self-esteem and Love Popular belief that you need to love yourself before you can love others Self-esteem does not relate to breaking-up but may cause different reasons to break up Self-esteem Low self-esteem – may feel unlovable Increase jealousy, skepticism, distrust High self-esteem – may feel more worthy than present partner May break up because they think they can do better Self-Love and Loving Others Narcissists High self-esteem; strong, unstable self-love Harmful to relationships Less committed to love relationships Self-acceptance – regarding yourself as being a reasonably good person as you are More minimal form of self-love Linked to positive interactions Maintaining Relationships Relationships either stay the same or get worse Good relationships tend to stay the same over time Popular myth that they continue to improve Key to maintaining a good relationship is to avoid a downward spiral Thinking Styles of Couples Difference in terms of attribution Relationship enhancing Good acts - internal; bad - external factors Distress-maintaining style Good acts - external factors; bad - internal Thinking Styles of Couples Optimism in the relationship Happy couples have an idealized version of their relationship Devaluing alternatives People in lasting relationships do not find others appealing Is Bad Stronger Than Good? Good and Bad Relationship Partners Bad interactions are stronger than good ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Positive interactions must occur at least five times as often as negative for relationship to succeed Reciprocity of negative behavior Responding to something bad with something else that is bad Sign of a downward spiral for the relationship What Role does Conflict Play in Relationships? Conflict is an expected and often healthy part of a relationship Four conflict styles can be very unhealthy (Gottman, 1994) Criticism and contempt Defensiveness and stonewalling The Four Horsemen. John Gottman identified four conflict styles that can bring about the end of a relationship. Conflict The impact of attributions Negative attributional style – when we automatically explain a partner’s actions in negative ways Decreases relationship satisfaction and increases conflict The green-eyed monster How do evolutionary theorists explain jealousy in men and women differently? Extradyadic Sex Most reliable data suggests infidelity is rare in modern Western marriages The most reliable numbers suggest that 75% of men and 90% of women have been faithful Tolerance for extramarital sex is fairly low Extramarital sex is a risk factor for break ups Can not demonstrate causality Cuckolding – tricking a man into raising a child that isn’t his own DNA testing suggests that women may actually be more unfaithful than they report, given the number of children whose fathers are not their biological fathers Reasons for Straying Men desire novelty Sometimes engage in extramarital sex without complaint about their marriage Women’s infidelity characterized by emotional attachment to lover Usually dissatisfied with current partner Reasons for Straying Adventure and excitement. Unmet sexual desires. Punishing/striking out at the partner. Jealousy and Possessiveness Cultural theory of jealousy Product of social roles and expectations Sexual jealousy found in every culture Forms, expressions, and rules may vary ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Society can modify jealousy but can not eliminate it Which would be worse If the person you love had a one-time sexual encounter with another person without any emotional involvement? If the person you love had a lasting, emotionally intimate relationship with a member of your gender - but one that did not include sexual intercourse? Jealousy and Possessiveness Evolutionary theory of jealousy Men – ensure they were not supporting someone else’s child Women – if husband becomes emotionally involved with another, may withhold resources Differences between men and women based on reproductive systems. Men are more jealous of sexual behavior. Women are more jealous of emotional involvement. Gender Differences in Jealousy (Buss, Larsen, Westen, & Semmelroth, 1992) What would upset you more: Imagining your partner forming a deep emotional attachment to another person. Imagining your partner enjoying passionate sexual intercourse with another person. Jealousy and Possessiveness Jealousy can focus on either sexual or emotional connections with another Men may focus more strongly on sexual aspects than women Causes of Jealousy Jealousy is a product of both the person and the situation Many suspicions of jealously are accurate Paranoid (false) jealousy is fairly rare Jealousy and Type of Interloper The less of a threat from the other person, the less jealousy Jealousy depends on how their traits compare to the third party Both men and women are more jealous if the third party is a man rather than a woman Social Reality Social reality Public awareness of some event Important role in jealousy High social reality = High jealousy The more other people know about your partner’s infidelity, the more jealousy The greatest jealousy is found when the interloper has greater abilities and talents than the partner Dissolution ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● Are there benefits to the dissolution of a relationship? Two ways that people deal with relationship problems: Active responses to problems – either choose to end things or work to make them better Passive responses – just wait it out and hope it improves Active is better! Benefits of Dissolution Ending a relationship, while painful, can bring valuable growth potential It is especially important if a relationship is unhealthy for one or both partners Person-positives – benefits to the self Increased confidence in handling tough experiences Relational-positives – benefits to your relationships Increased knowledge about yourself in relationships Environment-positives – benefits to the world around you Time to re-focus on other things: friends, school, career, activities