Speaking from experience, a conflict has been part of my daily diet. I have been in the corporate field for 4 years, and I have encountered various and numerous conflicts with my manager and subordinates. Not just petty ones but conflicts that can lead to potential business losses. I have been resolving these using plain intuition and instinct. I was pretty much confident in resolving because I was consistent in saving my company from losses, from burning bridges with the management and my staff, and with the company’s clients. However, the two-day workshop totally changed my perspective on conflict management.
On the first day, it rattled my confidence because it made my realities to myths and my myths to realities. But it made me fully confident when the workshop was concluded. All of us have been using the term conflict probably not daily. However, I’m very certain that we have encountered conflict daily. We might not even notice that we are having conflicts in homes, school, office, while riding public utility vehicles, while paying our due bills, and even in our deep sleep. But how is it really defined? Does conflict really require the use of armed force like the media coin the situation in the Middle East? Does it really need two distinct and separate beings to constitute a conflict? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, conflict is competitive or opposing action of incompatibles or antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) or mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands; the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama or fiction.
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Meanwhile, the Oxford Dictionary defined conflict as a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one or a prolonged armed struggle or a state of mind in which a person experiences a clash of opposing feelings or needs or a serious incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests. Lastly, the Cambridge Dictionary says that it is an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles or it is fighting between two or more groups or countries. What is common among the definition provided by known dictionaries are disagreement, incompatibility, between persons or groups, opposing feelings, ideas, and opinions. Therefore, there is conflict when there is incompatibility of ideas, feelings, and opinions of at least 2 persons or groups to constitute conflict. It does not require violence, the use of arms nor required any location; hence, conflict can be anywhere even in our most sacred homes! Now that conflict is now defined, what are its effects? How negative can it be? Let’s take for example relationship conflict.
According to research, it can affect one’s health, relationship conflict can negatively affect one’s health in several ways. Portland State University’s Institute on Aging studied over 650 adults over a two-year period and found that ‘stable negative social exchanges’ (in other words, repetitive or prolonged conflict) was significantly associated with lower self-rated health, greater functional limitations, and a higher number of health conditions. This may be due to the impact that stress has on immunity (stress can dampen your immune system), as well as other factors. The important thing to remember is that ongoing conflict really can take a toll on a person’s health. If there is conflict among members of a family, it eases when you know that almost everyone encounters it. Family conflict is very common. Many get awkward and uncomfortable at family gatherings because of difficult relatives. It is not that there is not a lack of love but there is a lack of comfort in dealing with conflict among family members. Whether it’s open conflict over the dinner table or an underlying feeling of discomfort that remains unspoken, family conflict obviously causes a significant amount of stress with a lot of people. Research on social exclusion shows that the pain of loneliness and social rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that processes physical pain. This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one can actually be physically painful. If one is involved in a relationship that includes significant conflict and repeated feelings of rejection, he probably already knows that he is also experiencing physical pain on a regular basis. In real life, conflict is inevitable, and resolving it effectively can often be a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them closer. Relationships in which anger is suppressed and unacknowledged by one or both partners can be unhealthy.
The research found that in couples where one partner habitually suppressed anger, partners tended to die younger; couples in relationships where both partners suppressed anger tended to have the worst longevity. Knowing that unresolved conflict carries such risks can make it tempting to vent any anger we experience, anyway we like, but that’s not always the right approach, either. The way we resolve conflicts can make or break relationships, leaving a person with a life of loneliness, or one rich with social support and love. These conflict resolution skills can help one handle relationship conflict in a healthy way so that a person can get the most out of relationships. As clearly established, conflict creates a negative effect that resonates to one’s health. One cannot neglect the value of health. Thus, on top of its negative effect on health, there is a compelling need to resolve and manage conflicts. According to a management study, conflict is certain; however, the result may be influenced by the way the conflict is managed. The volume and intensity of impending conflict are determined by how the conflict is handled.
Effective conflict management encourages enthusiasm, boosts morale, and stimulates individual and organizational development; while ineffective conflict management produces more conflict and destructively effects the whole organization. Effective conflict management involves the use of an assortment of styles dependent on the conditions of the conflict. The two-day workshop made me appreciate not just conflict resolution, but EFFECTIVE conflict resolution. It made me realize that conflict is inevitable and there is a systematic approach to effectively resolve a conflict. During my younger years, I have been preparing for several job interviews and promotions. I established my answer when faced with the question, “how do you handle conflicts?” I always answer it with a made-up solution by saying, “conflict arises when there is a misunderstanding between two persons. When resolving conflicts, listening is the key to prevent misunderstanding.
One should not raise his or her voice to avoid escalation.” I was too naïve that I stuck with that formula in every interview thinking that it is a fail-proof process. I learned that the first step is always to analyze the imminent conflict. There are 5 tools in analyzing conflicts: ABC triangle, historical timeline, conflict tree, onion or iceberg, and mapping stakeholders. In the ABC method, we must identify the attitudes, behavior, and contradiction because these three are the main ingredients of a conflict. Using the historical timeline, we can trace the relevant events that lead us to the conflict and pinpoint with accuracy the point in time when and where the conflict arose. From there, we can set aside those irrelevant events and dwell further on the most significant event. With the conflict tree, we can also extract the root causes of the conflict and segregate it from the effects so that we can focus more on the former than the latter. The onion ring is akin to peeling an onion that we only make use of the inner part. It emphasizes that the resolution of conflicts requires deep peeling.
The outer layers, which are the position and interest, are only clouds that should be eliminated to identify conflicts arising from the needs of parties. I really appreciate the onion ring because it struck me that conflict resolution is based on the needs of the parties and not on what they say or what they really want. Like the onion ring method, the iceberg method formulates that conflicts appear on its face as the positions of parties. We should dig deeper and identify the aspirations of the parties to resolve such conflict. With the use of conflict mapping, we can identify the relationship of parties and determine whether they have a strong or weak bond. It highlights that the strength of the parties’ relationship is the key to resolving issues. The party with the most and strongest bond should have the largest role in resolving the conflict. I also learned that conflict is not generally solved, resolved or dissolve. It must be transformed so that it can appeal to both parties. Through transformation, we can use solutions that are outside the box to address the conflict. Usually, conflicts have options that are limited to those presented by parties, but with transformation, we can offer another method that is way beyond the parties’ expectations yet provide an effective solution to their problem. I also like to highlight my learnings on the differences in arbitration, mediation, and conciliation.
All along I thought that these terms are similar. They differ in the number of parties, the extent of participation of the third person and the sources of options. In arbitration, parties to a dispute present arguments and evidence to an arbitrator. Then, the arbitrator decides like a judge. In conciliation, parties to a dispute endeavor to reach an agreement using the assistance of a conciliator. He may advise on the content of the dispute or the outcome of its resolution but does not decide or rule. He can make suggestions for terms of a settlement, give expert advice on likely settlement terms, and actively encourage the participants to reach an agreement. Mediation involves a qualified impartial third party. He assists the parties to resolve their differences, but he does not impose solutions. Parties come up with their own solutions to settle the dispute. The mediator only assists parties to agree on some issues and narrow down the issues they do not agree upon. Upon knowing the differences, I appreciate the task of a mediator. I realize that it is not easy to be one.
To be a mediator, one must know how to paraphrase, reframe, prepare. In paraphrasing, one must try to restate briefly the point that someone has just made. It includes reframing by translating positional, toxic comments into neutral, useful comments that focus on interest. Lastly, he must explain the process of mediation and his role, get the background information about the case, build confidence and rapport, and encourage parties to mediate. It is noteworthy that it is not advisable to go into mediation if one party does not agree to go through the process. I shared my learnings to my father and he narrated that he was once a member of the barangay lupon. He settled different conflicts from various parties. He shared that the conflict management workshop I undertook might not be useful now but as a lawyer, this will be the most vital and crucial part in practice. Also, he reminded me that the practice of law is not money making but service. By resolving conflicts extrajudicially, a lawyer can better serve his clients if conflicts are resolved sooner and at the minimum cost. I believe in my father’s wisdom. He was speaking from his credible experience in resolving conflicts outside the court. I should take conflict resolution seriously.
Since the culmination of the workshop, I have been carrying and applying the lessons to my personal conflicts. As a Carolinian, I should be able to put the learnings from the workshop into good use in the years to come. Although I had been resolving conflicts using only my intuition and instinct up to the first day of the workshop, I could say that I am better equipped in resolving conflicts. Although the process takes a considerable amount of time and effort, there is satisfaction in doing so. I should also bear in mind that I should be sensitive in resolving conflicts by understanding the context, the interaction between the intervention and the context, and acting upon the understanding of this interaction, in order to avoid negative and maximize positive impacts. Moving forward, I must apply these meaningful learnings today up to my practice in the field of law bearing in mind the consequences of my words and deeds to my clients.
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