The Beginning of a Cherished Friendship
Our friendship was the type of friendship that everybody coveted. We always balanced each other out perfectly-- if she was in, then I was yang. Nothing could ever come between us, or so I thought. If you had told me last year that our friendship would end, I would have laughed in your face. Well jokes on me, I guess, because now I’m sitting here writing about the end of our friendship.
Our roller coaster of a friendship started when I decided to turn around and smile at the girl sitting behind me in church six years ago. Although I didn’t know it then, she would become my extremely tall, smart, sweet, and caring friend. I was lucky to have met her. Our connection was almost immediate.
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Challenges and Separation: The Test of Time
For a year, our train of friendship traveled down the same track. We assumed things would stay that way, but my car separated from hers when I was moved to a new age level in my youth group. The year I spent away from her had my car traveling further and further away from hers. We were reunited after that year though, and the following two years brought our train back on track.
The Strain of Distance and Misunderstandings
Those were truly the good old days, considering that the beginning of the end happened the next year when I was removed from her yet again. At first, I tried my hardest to keep in touch with her, but no matter how hard we tried, we kept drifting. By the time Christmas came around, we had drifted so much that she was no longer my friend. The warmth and love that once existed between us were mostly gone. We didn’t have any beef with each other though, I had never done anything to her and vice versa.
A Misguided Attempt to Help and Its Consequences
Until I made a big mistake. I was scrolling through Instagram when I noticed that Xuan Mai posted about harming herself. I got scared and messaged her sister, telling her what Xuan Mai posted. Xuan Mai didn’t expect me to do that, because at this point it had been months since we last talked.
She wasn’t happy that I did this either. She removed me from her life. It hurt me, especially because I didn’t understand why. I was just trying to make sure that she was safe.
Efforts to Reconnect and Resolve Misunderstandings
We didn’t interact again until we were forced to go camping together six months later. It was a summer camp for our youth group, and we were still avoiding each other. For some crazy reason, one that I still don’t know, Xuan Mai stopped avoiding me, like we just picked up where we left off and ignored the six months when we didn’t talk.
She wanted to talk casually, so I talked. She wanted hugs, so I hugged her. She wanted me to smile for her, so I smiled. I should’ve known that she was still upset. Camp came and went with no issues though, but I guess Xuan Mai couldn’t wait much longer to confront the issues in our friendship.
The Painful Decision to Part Ways
A month after camp, she told me, “Hey, guess we gotta talk again. To start off, I’m really sorry that I’ve been rude and just distant from you. I’m sorry that I caused you to want to harm yourself and I understand that you’ve been going through a lot. It was selfish of me to only think of myself and not consider your feelings.”
“I could say the same to you,” I sighed, “I was going to wait until Thieu Nhi started, but I’m really sorry that I messed up your relationship with your family and caused you to be isolated for six months. With what happened with your sister, it might be helpful if you sat down with her and talked about how you felt. I mean no problem can be solved without talking. Also with Anh John, that wasn’t really my fault because he chose to walk away, I didn’t force him to.”
Xuan Mai pinched the bridge of her nose, and said, “Look Bao Quynh, I already talked to my sister about this, and yeah I understand that Anh John is there to help you, but he shouldn’t have butted in.”
“Dude, did you even talk to him? Also, what did Anh John even butt into huh? Our lives? Our problems?” I snapped.
“Look, I’m cool if you wanna try to be friends again,” she said, “ it’s just you said earlier, that it's too late to fix.”
“Did I really?” I asked, “Because I don’t remember saying that.”
“Okay dude, I understand that you’re not at your best,” Xuan Mai answered, “but you gotta cooperate with me.”
“I can’t promise you cooperation from me, Xuan Mai, because if I don’t agree with it then I’m not going to listen, I don’t work like that,” I told her.
She sighed and said, “So you’re admitting that you don’t want to be friends? It seems like that to me.”
“Okay no that isn’t what I mean, I meant that if I’m going to cooperate, then I’ll have to agree with whatever you want me to do.” I answered, “ If you’re saying that I have to cooperate with you, that’s just going to make me want to fight back!”
“I don’t want anything from you anymore, Bao Quynh. I just wanted to apologize and start trying to fix our friendship!” Xuan Mai told me.
I sighed, “Look, I need a little time okay? I mean, I do want to try and fix our friendship, but right now isn’t a good time. Things with my family are getting worse, and school is starting so my stress level is really high. I’m really sorry.”
After a few moments of silence, Xuan Mai looked at me and said, “I don’t know what you want, and from how you worded everything, it seems that you’ve kinda given up on us because there is so much weight on your shoulders. I personally think our friendship has gone toxic, and I’ve gone through this same pattern multiple times. Just constantly arguing with you and trying to make this work has been emotionally draining. ”
I stepped back and took a good look at her for the first time in months. Xuan Mai looked so sad and tired. I instantly felt guilty about telling her that I couldn’t help our friends and that I had bigger issues on my mind. I continued the way I was going through because I needed to tell her that I didn’t want to be friends anymore, I just didn’t know how to tell her.
“I’ve realized that I’ve given up, but it’s not because of the weight on my shoulders. That weight has always been bearable, even if it got me down sometimes. I gave up because I didn’t want to invest myself in something that could fall apart again. I’m really sorry but last time I gave so much of myself into our friendship that when it failed, it broke me. I don’t know if I can take the pain again, Xuan Mai.”
“You know what? I’m not an investment, and you lowkey just called me a dead weight.”, she answered, annoyance flashing in her eyes.
“You invest in every friendship that you have, and you really can’t build a friendship without putting a part of yourself into it. That’s basically what investing is.” I shot back.
“Okay look, the only reason I’m joking around and making this seem like nothing is because I’m tired. I’m tired of you arguing that I was basically a horrible friend and that I didn’t care. I totally agree with that, I was a bad friend. But you gotta stop reminding me that I’m partially the reason why you were depressed. And how you’re treating me right now? It hurts me a lot and it probably hurts you how I’m saying this poorly as well, but I’m burnt out. I can’t go on like this anymore. ” she angrily said back to me.
She expected me to be hurt, I expected it too, but I felt nothing. I just felt empty and I didn’t care what happened anymore. I wanted this friendship to end, I had expected it to be over in January. But Xuan Mai kept holding on, and I didn’t understand why.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, I did tell you that it would be better to do this after a little time has passed. If you didn’t want to hear about my family anymore, then why didn’t you just say so? It’s your choice now anyways. You can just say whatever you want, and I’ll go along with it.”, I whispered back to her. I was tired of this, and I didn’t want to fight anymore.
“You know what?” she said, clearly pissed with me, “I’m done. I don’t want to be part of this friendship anymore alright? Just hit me up when you sort out all your things. Have a good life bro.”
We then parted ways, avoiding each other as much as possible. I couldn’t avoid my guilt though, it just became worse as time went on. Night after night, I lay in bed, walking down memory lane, reliving every happy moment with Xuan Mai, and the bad ones. I couldn’t rest well knowing that I hurt Xuan Mai.
I spent three weeks stressing over her, constantly thinking about what I did to her, and I decided that I couldn’t live with the guilt, so I decided that I would try to apologize to her again, coming from a more sincere place this time. Anything that happened afterward would be up to her.
When I finally got a chance to talk to her after church, I walked up to her, my heart jumping like it was going to burst out of my chest, and asked, “Can I talk to you?”
She frowned but reluctantly agreed. We walked over to the cool, inviting shade underneath the trees. Xuan Mai started to speak, but my words came out in a rush, cutting her off.
“I’m really sorry that I told your sister when you didn’t want me to, and I shouldn’t have defended myself when you confronted me. I knew that I had done something wrong, but I still defended myself anyways. I truly hope that you will accept my apology, although I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.”
Deafening silence filled the air, and I sat there nervously fidgeting with the worn sleeves of my beloved hoodie. I couldn’t stand the silence anymore and tear through it with my sharp words.
“Are you really not going to answer me? Just sit here and stare at me?” I spat out, “Well fine then, I’ll just leave. You obviously don’t want to talk to me anyways.”
I turned on my heel and started rushing away when I heard from behind me, “Bao Quynh! Please wait!”
Reluctantly, I turned around, expecting the worst. Instead, I was greeted with her hand reaching out to me, pulling me from the depths of my anger, her grip gentler than the wind’s caress.
She sighed, “I would’ve said something right after you apologized if I had a heads up that you were going to apologize. I was just really shocked because after we argued, I thought that our friendship was over. My brain just couldn’t come up with any words at all. I’m really sorry.”
I searched her eyes to see if she was telling the truth, and the hope I saw rising in her eyes was like a new dawn coming after a bleak, dark night, it showed me that she was indeed telling the truth. I nodded silently, showing her that we were okay and that I understood, gave her a small smile, then walked away to rejoin my waiting family.
A Hopeful Reconciliation and the Path Forward
We’re well on our way to fixing our friendship now, step by step. We agreed that we would start from the beginning, from a fresh slate, and forget the past. It would be much better this way. Although I marvel at the progress we’ve made, I’m still wary of what we’re doing because I can never be sure that what happened before won’t happen again.
I truly hope that we have a future together and that this new version of us gets to bloom and thrive like we once did. I have a feeling that our friendship might never be as it was before, standing tall and proud, but it just might grow. It remains to be seen.
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