My eyes widened and my head turned to the window which had gleams of bright sunlight beaming right on me. I couldn't help but smile at how sunny it was that day. Feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day, I got out of bed, and couldn’t help but look at the bruising on my stomach. But that didn’t matter, I refrained from negative thoughts and remained positive. After six failed Invitro Fertilization (IVF) cycles, I thought, and knew, this cycle would be successful. I had given it my all from destressing to acupuncture, massages, and even relaxation techniques. I prepared for the good news, made dinner plans, and bought six baby outfits, symbolizing the past six failed attempts. Today I would be getting the news I was waiting for after all this time. Moments later, the phone rang.
“Eriona, it’s Dr. Kim. Is this a good time to talk? His tone already told me the answer. My vision began to blur as the doctor on the phone continued talking. My phone dropped on the floor. I had no strength. I felt so weak simply trying to continue to grasp it in my hand. My heart sank and in an instant, my dreams were shattered. I questioned myself, how could this happen? I did everything I was told and more. How do you prepare for such news?
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I dropped to the floor sobbing, flooded in tears dragging the six outfits that I had bought to celebrate this joyous occasion. All the hope they held for me was gone. At the top of my lungs screaming “Why” What did I do to deserve this? I have never such pain and disappointment with myself and my body. I couldn’t help but blame myself. I had to have done something in my life to be punished this way …it was the only plausible reason. It was a foreign feeling. At that time, I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially destroyed. I looked at my stomach and realized that the only thing I had was the bruising from the IVF hormonal stimulant injections became my souvenirs to hold onto and remind me of the struggle and pain I had to endure.
Six years later, seventy thousand dollars down the drain, and no baby. The next day the sun did not shine. I sat in bed numbed in pain, questioning whether I would ever recover. Something inside of me died with the news and I could not pick up the pieces to start again. I was addicted to hope, which had kept me going all those years. I wanted a second child not only for myself but to give my son a sibling. While reading an article about a woman trying to conceive, I realized that I was blessed, lucky, and grateful that I already had a child and made the decision to not pursue fertility treatment any longer. It was that blessing and the thought that others go through the same journey and pain and still have no children of their own that gave me the strength and motivation to be grateful for what I have and to move forward.
Work has always come easily and naturally for me as I worked since I was fifteen years old. I worked full-time to put myself through college and paralegal school. It is my happy place and the place, I feel confident, accomplished, and know that my contribution makes a difference. Walking into the office the next day, I learned from the leading attorney that we had lost the pro bono case I had worked on tirelessly. The case involved a family suing the Board of Education. My first reaction was, “Not today, not this week…not this year, never..”. but I soon realized that maybe this is exactly what I needed to take my mind off of my personal matter. Also, this case was so dear to my heart because I worked on the client intake, had met with the clients several times and they had grown on me. I put all my feelings aside and asked the attorney how I could help. The attorney instructed me to schedule a meeting with the entire legal team and the clients to discuss the next steps. On the way out, the attorney told me that I must have been an attorney in my past life because any paralegal would be happy to be done and archive this case and that I was determined to win. I went back to my desk and thought to myself that the 34 mil closing which up to that point was the highlight of my career had become an experience. This case was going to be big and a turning point in my life. My dreams of having a second child are long gone, and my energy and efforts are put into the birth of a new career in law. This particular case and being a paralegal was a gateway that helped me realize that even though I had not always done things right, or in the appropriate order, my creative problem-solver nature always figures out a way to succeed.
Over the next several months, I asked for additional and more challenging tasks. I found that law intrigued me, and the more involved I got, the more fulfilled and accomplished I felt. Unlike before, I stayed behind at the end of the day to collaborate with the team on the next closing and case. Unbeknownst to me, I began to take on a lot of initiation and devising my own solutions rather than bringing the facts of the case to the team and relying on them to take action. I voluntarily provided a status of each matter I was handling, and within weeks earned the title of “lawyer in training”. It was very fulfilling and at that point, my life had taken a clear direction.
Being an attorney will allow me to help others and make an impact in supporting the reproductive justice movement, where I can engage in education, policy advocacy, and litigation. I believe that everyone should be entitled to comprehensive and quality reproductive healthcare regardless of their financial status. The cost of reproductive health services should never be a barrier when people decide on expanding their families.
My personal journey, exposure to law, and professional experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today. I have learned to move out of my comfort zone and that we do not always have the answers and it is okay to fail. Though my pursuit of law school is not the conventional way, I am confident that if I remain tenacious, determined, and ambitious, I can do anything.
My journey has taught me that the only way to be successful in what I am truly passionate about is to figure out what’s important, stay focused, prioritize, and take risks. Above all, I have learned that as long as I stay humbled and hungry, the sun will always shine.
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