Ah, forgiveness. I feel like this can be just as touchy of a subject as a compromise from yesterday. Human nature says that some people don’t want our forgiveness. That some people have done things that we will never be able to forgive.
I’ll give you this, it’s not easy. It’s natural to hold a grudge. It’s natural to resent people based on the past. And it’s really easy to do this in marriage.
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Now hopefully your spouse hasn’t done something extreme like abuse you or cheat on you. While these things can be forgiven in a different way (in a way where you can still set boundaries and get away from the person), that’s not really what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about the less extreme problems that rise up in marriage or in any relationship for that matter.
What is forgiveness?
Well, how about I start with what forgiveness is not? Forgiving is NOT the same thing as forgetting. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you completely and immediately give them back your trust.
One of the definitions of “forgive” on dictionary.com is “to cease to feel resentment against.”
You can truly let something go and stop feeling resentful toward someone without completely forgetting the offense. Maybe you set up new boundaries around that person or a situation. Maybe you never truly trust that person again. But you’ve stopped obsessing over the issue. You’ve stopped thinking about it all the time. You’ve even stopped wishing ill will toward the person who wronged you.
Why forgive?
Well, frankly because God asked us to. If you’re a Christian and believe the Bible is God’s word, look no further than Matthew 6:14-15:
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15 ESV
Or if you want to look further, Jesus says to forgive our brother “seventy times seven” in Matthew 18:21-22, but a similar story recorded in Luke 17:3-4 states that Jesus said to forgive your brother seven times IF he says “I repent.”
A somewhat more secular reason to forgive someone is that you can free yourself from the grudge. Holding a grudge is not fun. Or easy. It’s exhausting. When you feel resentment toward someone, it eats away at you. You can become irritable, angry, and just simply not a fun person to be around.
When you refuse to forgive someone, often you’re not even hurting them. If it’s not someone you spend a lot of time with, they may not even know you are still holding on. And they certainly don’t care. But you are hurting yourself. Can you ever truly be happy and free to live your life if you’re holding grudges against everyone who’s wronged you? I say no.
Basically, forgiving other people is good for your own mental health. It’s a form of self-care!
How to forgive?
First of all, remember that forgiveness is simply letting go of resentment. In other words, to stop being mad at someone or stop holding a grudge. It does not mean you forget what they did. That is much harder to do and frankly, not always beneficial. You should remember when people have wronged you and use that knowledge to help you decide how to handle that person going forward.
But one way to forgive someone is to pray for them. A lady at our church back in Ohio told me this once and it’s always stuck with me. She said it’s hard to stay mad at someone who you’re praying for. Pray for their well-being (health, finances, etc). Pray for their heart (to change their mind about whatever they did to you. Perhaps to forgive you too). Pray for their salvation (we should want all God’s children to be saved).
In addition to praying for someone, you could also try to see things from their perspective. Or maybe imagine that they were having a bad day. And most importantly, remember that resenting them hurts you more than them. You don’t need those negative thoughts taking up space in your brain. You have better stuff to think about.
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