“Joy comes when people are spontaneous, when their real self comes out, when they connect with their true nature, this is exactly when energy comes alive” - Anthony Robbins
Perhaps, the most challenging sessions, in any coaching process and relation in general and those aiming for inner peace and freedom in specific, are the ones related to beliefs, as they are the core, the strongest fundamentals that form our identities, how we perceive ourselves in addition to perceiving people around us and our daily events with all their details, thus creating our realities, as it is our perception that triggers our emotions, reactions and behaviors towards ourselves and others crafting the life we live, which in turn has the most direct effect on our happiness, personal satisfaction, inner peace and the sense of inner freedom that we need to be authentic, aligned with our values, natural beings, and true identities.
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Working on beliefs is challenging for both the coach and the coachee, as we will be working on factors that are deeply embedded in the subconscious since beliefs are much deeper than opinions, points of view or simple statements based on present states. We start forming beliefs at a very early age, from the information and knowledge introduced to us and repeated from the figures of authority such as parents, grand-parents & teachers, then peers, what we hear and see, so by the age of seven, we have already formed our core beliefs. Moving on and as we get older we adopt new beliefs based on information and knowledge we receive from friends, media, society, and every other input, and they become the truth we abide with, whether as attitudes or mental states, when backed up with evidence that we collect from our daily experiences, which validates them and strengthens them in a way to be agreed on and accepted on our conscious level and deeply stored in the sub-conscious level, becoming our own internal 'Book of Rules' as referred to by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book 'The Four Agreements'. With time and according to experience, our beliefs are subject to change, with the change of the evidence supporting them.
Challenge lies in the fact that the subconscious mind is not critical nor judgmental; it does not analyze or reason, it simply gathers data and then acts according to the conditioning, programming, instructions, and messages it receives, and according to the different situations, they get triggered and decide on how to feel, and simultaneously how to react, what to accept and what not to accept, what is possible and what is impossible, what we are capable and incapable of, what is it that we deserve and what is that we do not deserve.
We create beliefs about everything around us, about our children, families, colleagues, careers, society, religion etc…, however, the most important beliefs that we develop are those about ourselves. These beliefs form a system that helps us co-exist and be accepted by the smaller and bigger communities to which we belong, and determine the boundaries through which we operate, and they are mainly classified into two parts, either negative also known as 'Limiting Beliefs' or positive and we refer to them as 'Empowering Beliefs'.
During the coaching process, the coaches help coachees develop a continuous trail of self-awareness that increases along the way, assessing their values, knowing their purpose and set plans that will lead them to their short term, long term and ultimate goals. Through the questioning and effective listening process, coachees will come to realize every empowering factor whether internal or external that pushes them forward, stimulating them with the courage to step out, rather than giving in to the comfort of what they already have and know. These internal factors are the empowering beliefs that broaden and extend their inner boundaries expanding their potentials and creating opportunities, increasing their self-belief and building up their self-esteem.
On the other hand, coachees will become aware as well of the stopping factors, every obstacle that stands in the way of their improvement, self-development and goal achievement. One main realization would be that most of these obstacles are the ones they put to themselves, in the form of limiting beliefs. Here I'm going to refer to a couple of quotes that back this up, first by Napoleon Hill who said: “There are no limits to the mind except those which you agree to impose on yourself” , whereas in the same context John Whitmore wrote in ‘Coaching for Performance’ referring to this internal block: ‘the single universal internal block is unfailingly the same, variously described as fear of failure, lack of confidence, self-doubt, and lack of self-belief.
Limiting beliefs are based on fear, fear of failure and fear of judgment. They stop people from being pro-active, limiting their potentials, always bounded by the fear from the unknown raised by the subconscious that protects them through creating various stopping barriers, preventing them from even trying to break these beliefs and being their true selves, trusting others more than trusting themselves, spending energy on being accepted by a whole system rather than simply accepting themselves, embracing themselves for who they truly are and what they genuinely want to do, directly affecting their self-esteem pushing it downhill, making way for self-judgment, resentment, and rejection.
These beliefs whether negative or positive, remain the brains that either halt or mobilize any development or change process that people seek and aim for. The good news is that as our beliefs are not hard-wired in the way that our values tend to be, so confronting, challenging and changing them at any point in our lives is an option and a decision that needs to be consciously taken.
Here comes the role of the coach. In the coaching process, we as coaches, identify disempowering or limiting beliefs through listening on level three, where we can detect a certain body language or emotionally charged behaviors, hesitation in the voice, energy drop, in addition to the vocabulary used to describe themselves, their abilities, and the events around. There are different approaches based on creating awareness through sets of questions that would highlight the beliefs stopping people from achieving, or from simply being happy and content, acting upon their values and their true nature, making excuses to always avoid change, where they always feel the urge to pretend or hide behind a mask of their own making.
Whatever the technique is, it is based on a systematic approach that is called well-formed outcomes. Changing limiting beliefs is a process of shifting perceptions, it should start by moving the belief from the subconscious into the conscious mind, through shedding the light and focusing attention on it, challenging it by questioning its accuracy and introducing new information around it, shaking its credibility. Once people are consciously aware of how this belief is serving their lives, weighing the advantages and disadvantages of this certain attitude or mental state, measuring it on a scale of pleasure and pain, coachees would have the choice to reassess and upgrade or even get rid of this limiting belief and adopt a new empowering one, based on the new information, where the coach would simply help introduce new supporting evidence validating this information changing them into new beliefs through questioning and guiding a positive thought process.
One of the most important steps is acknowledging the importance of self-talk, the internal dialogue that we have with ourselves, every day and all day long. Shifting this self-talk from the negative to a positive path has undoubtedly proven to be the basis of any desired change in perception and respective actions and behavior towards oneself and others. Coaches can then proceed to various techniques such as:
Affirmations in a personal, positive, and present tense statements & Positive Acknowledgment and Reflection, both techniques to be repeated on daily basis and would directly affect the self-talk, Reframing old beliefs by going back to their source and creating new voices and images for them, Pattern Breaking that takes the energy away from the negative thinking through distraction and affirmation, and Creating Powerful Anchors, that empowers people through taking a powerful physical act (an anchor) that would trigger the feeling of a positive experience, in addition to the various NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) tools and exercises.
Coaching will uncover the walls of old beliefs that people build around their minds, where they decide what to keep and what to take down and build new beliefs that will mainly build a progressive self-belief, self-confidence, and self-esteem that encourage new behaviors of success, joy, spontaneity, and freedom.
Through working on limiting beliefs, we will be working directly on self-esteem, which is the direct effect of our beliefs, a manifestation of the way we regard ourselves, our self-worth and self-value. Self-esteem is reflected in the personality, character and affects performance levels. If this force is diminished so is the person, and when this force is empowered so is the person as well.
Result: Coachees will learn how to trust and believe in themselves and their capabilities. Shed off all that defined them in the past and work on the present towards the future. High self-esteem would give them the courage to try and take risks and fail and learn and succeed and gain the confidence to act and behave according to their own rules.
Coachees will start making decisions that they feel right, acting upon their judgment. Self-confidence - not arrogance - will impose itself, as these decisions are based on conviction, according to what is genuinely important to them, aligned with their values. They will be treated as equals, regardless of their positions whether in the organization they belong to or in the society which leads to building even a higher sense of self-esteem and challenges them to explore options and pushes them to expand their potentials and uncover hidden capabilities, beating different challenges whether big or small. The newly acquired self-belief will learn how to beat the universal fear of failure and the fear of judgment, which underlie any limiting self- belief. Once self-esteem sets a high level, people will start taking responsibility for their failures the same way they recognize their successes.
Self Esteem will boost the virtue of courage needed to challenge themselves and change to be who they want to be, no makeup or filters at all times even the most challenging ones. Self-esteem will make way for peace through forgiveness of oneself and others, to live a life free from guilt or vengeance, free from external pressures and free from the inner victim and judge. A life of responsibility, integrity, and truth, where coachees learn from the past, reconcile with themselves and others, awakening a sleeping warrior with extended wisdom within the hearts and minds to reach the goals they set for themselves.
“The Freedom we seek is to use our mind and body, to live our own life, instead of the life of the belief system” - Don Miguel Ruiz – The Four Agreements.
Freedom is ignited by awareness and guided by the thirst we feel for independency. Our independent will is reflected by the power to swim upstream, claiming ownership of ourselves and gaining control over our thoughts and actions through our focused attention and upgraded perception, being responsible and always accountable rather than being passive individuals living a life of reactions based on emotions and circumstances and calling all that happens to us as 'FATE'.
Our independent will is saying 'NO' to what does not serve the outcome we seek in every single event and refusing to submit our free will to the set of rules imposed on us by a whole system that fears change and cares more about maintaining the boundaries that define it, rather than maintaining the well-being and the best interest of the individuals. For the system to be strong we need to be submissive, for it feeds on fear and weakness, even if they are not our natural tendencies. Once adopted we consciously agree to give the system our power and we fight back and suppress any potential threats arising from awareness, intuition and the desires residing in our hearts and we silence those wondering little voices in our heads. This system is the system of beliefs that governs organizations, communities, culture, societies, and individuals.
To be free we need to be mature, both mentally and emotionally. Where emotional maturity is as Stephen Covey explains, based on his learning from Professor Hrand Saxenian at Harvard: 'Emotional maturity is the ability to express your feelings and convictions with courage, balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of others' .
It is this balance between courage, empathy, and respect for oneself and others. Defending our right to be different and respecting our integrity through standing up for our beliefs and values, being authentic amidst a world full of pretenders with the planet being their big acting stage. Maturity is having the courage to be one at all times whether we are in the company of acquaintances, colleagues, friends, families, partners, spouses or even when we are solemnly on our own when nobody else is watching, but at the same time being considerate and kind, having empathy and being thoughtful and respectful for others.
Don Miguel Ruiz wrote the 'Four Agreements' where he called the first agreement as the mother of the remaining three, 'Be Impeccable With Your Word', where the first agreement that we need to make with ourselves is to speak with integrity, where impeccable means 'without sin', and the word being a force that has the ultimate effect in the hearts and spirits of people, as words can make or break, it gives us the power to express and communicate, making us responsible for whatever comes out from our mouths, for these words, in any context, and under any circumstance should be those of truth and respect. Living upon this agreement will give us inner peace, for it affects every aspect of our lives.
Freedom is discovering oneself, breaking through the prison walls that we build to ourselves to fit in and please others and live upon their expectations, stopping the process of blaming and shaming and living without the fear of being judged, getting rid of the 'Victim' and 'Judge' roles that we practice upon ourselves and others and live upon our full potentials and true identities. Learning how to acknowledge our mistakes and have the courage to confess and make them right, taking responsibility for our choices and developing a mentality and attitude that reflects respect, compassion, equality, and empowerment. Freedom is to learn our purpose and mission, and know how to get there while maintaining the balance needed to keep us going forward, living with a clear conscience, passion and will to reach our goals. This kind of life breaks the fear we feel in our hearts and minds and gives us the ultimate sense of inner peace and freedom to live a life of total truth and authenticity.
Authors of 'Co-Active Coaching' refer to coaching as 'a call', a 'mission' dedicated to changing lives. The purpose of a coaching relationship is to trigger awareness and evoke the desired transformation by having one breakthrough after the other, the shift from the 'ahh' to the 'aha', thus guiding people through the paths of their minds, to what is more valuable and important to them, prioritizing, making choices, creating the balance needed to reach the fulfillment they seek. Fulfillment is never achieved through scavenger hunts or trials and errors, it is never measured by titles, positions, fortune or fame and popularity. Fulfillment is achieved through living a life of personal values guided by universal principles, overcoming obstacles and living upon the full potential that leads to peace, fulfillment, and freedom of the heart and soul.
Coaching for inner peace and freedom is a journey, just like any other coaching process, a journey that will enrich and enlighten coachees’ right from the departing station until it reaches its final destination. It's a journey that is insightful, sorrowful, tough, challenging but in the end a very rewarding one. It starts with awareness and goes through a process of self- judgment and evaluation, assessing which parts of their character, values, and beliefs are helping them reach their goals, and what the stopping factors are, working on the obstacles they encounter, fixing and mending trails in their perception and enhancing character and performance, allowing them to gain emotional maturity, deeper knowledge, a stronger belief in themselves, pushing them to expand their potentials, to believe in their power to win their fights of uncertainty and hesitation, breaking free from every single agreement that limits and conditions them.
This journey will reveal to them the path they were initially born to take but managed to lose along the way caused by a distortion in judgment influenced by family and friends, organizations and society or even by their ego and emotions. It's a journey that has only one direction, that is always forward towards a life of truth, respect, serenity, joy, and contentment.
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