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Be yourself. How many times have you heard that phrase? It sounds so simple, but it is a lot harder than people make it out to be. Over the past decades, being gay was something no one talked about. Many young LGTBQ people hide their true selves from friends, family, and society before they come out, which can often be an isolating experience. This sense of isolation can take a toll on our mentality and can be hard to shake off. This is something I can speak from experience because the day I found the courage to come out to my family and friends, was the day I finally felt free; The journey out of the closet was not as smooth at first, but it allowed me to realize that I was never alone.
Around my elementary years, I started getting a sense I was different, but I didn't know the proper term for it. All I knew is that whatever I was feeling was considered to be wrong. It started when my female classmates would gossip about their latest crushes on the cutest boy in the class. I never did quite comprehend why I didn't feel the same way as the other girls at the time, but maybe it's because I thought boys were annoying and gross, but the fact that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards them started to scare me. The truth is the butterfly feeling my friends would experience when talking about a boy is what I experienced when thinking about a girl. I wanted to tell someone what I was experiencing but didn't know how to put it into the right words. I thought of talking to my family and friends, but I was hesitant. I felt alone, trapped by all these confusing feelings. I struggled to find a sense of community among my peers; I was this young girl wondering what was wrong with me — asking myself why I couldn't be part of the group. Why I couldn't, I be just an insider, instead of just pretending to be one? I build a wall around my emotions. Stuffed them into tiny boxes and hide them deep down in my mind. Somehow rewired my mentality on building a new persona as an average person and began pushing away an essential piece of myself all due to the fear of being different.
Fake until you make it was a phrase, I grew up hearing my parents say when they faced an obstacle in their life. It became my mantra for the next few years in middle school and the beginning of high school. I had a sense I was gay for a while now, but whenever the thought crossed my mind, I pushed it aside and trained my brain not to show that different part of myself. The region in which I hated the most was the role that consumed a piece of my identity, I didn't want my parents to judge me based on the person I fell in love with. 'There was nothing so humiliating as being unable to express myself' (Baca, 153). I felt this uncomfortable feeling being judged mostly being judged by myself. I was uncomfortable in my skin; this feeling came from shame. It came from not accepting myself as a gay woman.
As I got older, I learned that coming out was a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing my identity. Coming to terms with my sexuality took some time, I knew I was the only person who could decide when and how it was safe to come out. As the end of high school neared, it became harder to distract myself from the issue. I needed to open up to someone and share the emotions that were overflowing in my head. Before graduation, the jazz band and I traveled to Georgia to perform a show for former President Jimmy Carter. It was our last night before flying back to California, and my classmates and I decided to throw a movie night to celebrate our success. Halfway through the movie, I started to fidget around with my bracelet; it's a coping mechanism I used whenever I become anxious about something. A few friends noticed and asked if I was okay. It was then in that very moment when I stood up and yelled out 'I'm gay!' the whole room became silent the next thing I know two of my friends in the back of the room yelled back 'Finally! What took so long?'. The room burst out into laughter and shouted out in celebration. The support was incredibly better than I excepted it was hugs and smiles throughout the whole night. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe again. But as much as I was relieved, my friends knew I still had to come out to my family. And they were the people I was most anxious about coming out to.
Months passed and I still felt stuck on not knowing the perfect way to tell them. — It wasn't until one day during math class, my friend Sebastian noticed me spacing out during the lecture and tapped me on my shoulder, asking if everything was okay. I shrugged with frustration and explained my situation to him. He knew how much coming out to my parents meant to me, so he offered to help me out. For the next two weeks, we met in the library devising the perfect plan. We eventually came up with the idea of me writing a letter to my parents and giving it to them on 'National Coming Out Day,' but I chickened out when the time came. I ended up creating a group chat with my entire family and sending them a shorter version of what I wrote in my letter. My mother was the first person to call me back and played 'I'm Coming Out' by Diana Ross over the phone while yelling out 'Mija I already knew!' then a couple of texts and phone calls followed from the rest of the family. Overall my experience was positive and full of love and support. I feel pride in showing my true colors. All the negativity I thought of over the past few years has left my mindset, and I no longer hide behind a mask. It took me a while to find myself, and all the pain I went through was worth it because at the end of it all, I'm finally happy with the person I am today, and I wouldn't change for the world.
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