I am alone on the beach hearing the waves splash against the shore. As a hunted deer that cannot flee, I turn upon my thoughts, feeling hurt. Here I am staring at the sky as blue as the Caribbean water, sighing deeply as I think, it’s such an unfair world. Some people are born knowing who they really are, while others spend their whole life searching, and trying to figure out their true identity. I recall what had happened in the past few hours.
It was a day like any other. I had come home from my work, tired, and decided to take a nap. The day was going well until I woke up due to the buzzing of my phone under my pillow. Half-sleeping, I looked at my phone screen and saw a ton of messages and missed calls from my dad. I called him and asked about the emergency. He told me to bring some important documents from the study room. Reluctantly, I got out of bed and made my way to the study room. I scanned the documents that Dad had asked for. When I was looking through the drawers, my eyes were cast over a document that said: “Confidential”.
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Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to take a little glimpse. I took the papers in my hand and read through them. A shocked expression spread across my face. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. The truth was like a bad taste on my tongue. All kinds of different questions were popping up in my head. Did they lie to me this whole time? Is this really true? No, that couldn’t be possible! I needed to be sure of what these papers meant.
I could already feel a rollercoaster of emotions and quickly rushed down to the kitchen, where Mom was cooking my favorite meal. I pointed towards the papers in my hand. I felt a huge lump in my throat, but managed to ask her, “Is it true? What do these papers mean? Did you lie to me?” She looked at me like I was speaking in some strange alien language. Then she looked at the papers in my hand, and a wave of guilt and sadness spread across her face. She did not answer. The silence was suffocating me and my heart was feeling as if my blood had become tar and it struggled to keep a steady beat. I asked her again, she slowly nodded her head, and said, “It’s true”. After hearing those words, my heart sank and my eyes swelled with a sea of tears.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The day had started like the sweet melody of a nightingale, but now it had turned into a cold and bitter cup of coffee waiting to be spilled. Then I asked her, “Where are they?” As soon as I asked her, she looked away. I could already anticipate what that meant. They were not there, and she also didn’t know where they are. She said, “Me and your dad, always wanted a child, but unfortunately, we couldn’t. So, we decided to…” she sighed. I knew what was coming next. She continued, “So we decided to adopt a child.” Her words felt like a razor-sharp knife piercing through my body, the sharp point digging deeper and deeper. I thought they were my real parents, I could never even imagine that I was adopted. This was a torment I was unprepared for. Tears streamed down my cheeks falling on the porcelain kitchen floor like raindrops.
At this point, anger started to build up like hot lava. I gathered the power to speak, trying to control the simmering rage and frustration inside me, and asked her, “Why was I left at the orphanage?” With a dejected expression on her face, she replied “You were left there when you were only a few months old. There was no identity of who you were or your real parents. But the orphanage said that your parents had left you there because they didn’t have enough money to take care of you”. Her words trailed off at the last sentence. I just stood there not being able to move. Every word was like a punch in the stomach.
I was in complete shock and could not process all the information. I went to my room, feeling my heart break like a glass, spreading its pieces throughout my body. The conversation I just had was replaying like an echo inside my head, haunting and taunting me. My sea of grief was as deep as the ocean and the waves of sadness had engulfed me completely.
The pain was like a red hot coal placed on my chest, it throbbed and tortured me mentally and emotionally and there was no relief to be found. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took my jacket, and ran, salty, cold tears were rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t know where I was going, but I just needed to be alone. Some place where I could just think about my life and clear my mind. I ran towards the beach, and sat on the cold, wet sand, in deep thoughts. At this moment, I am nothing but sadness, every other emotion has disappeared. Where there was joy, laughter, and happiness, now there is an aching hollowness.
The sorrow is growing more profound as I am accompanied by my innermost thoughts. As an adopted child, who was abandoned and left without any identifying information, the questions that will never be answered will cause me the most pain and heartache. The bond that I once had with my adoptive parents that kept my heart beating, feels so thin and weak that even they seem like a terrible weight. But the weird thing about life is that it actually goes on. Even when you are faced with a loss so huge that you have no idea how to live through it, somehow the world keeps turning and the clock keeps ticking.
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