I don't know about you, but the holidays hit differently this year. It makes sense since I've changed dramatically in the last 10 months, but that transformation became much more noticeable during my time back home.
Just to set the stage, let me tell you a bit about what to expect from my family during my week-long visit back home to Philadelphia.
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Mama mia
Like most American households, Christmas is a joyous time of overeating and overspending to the max. My mother is Italian, so for the entire week I stayed with her and my step-dad, she cooked massive meals loaded with carbs, plus cookies, cakes, and tons of sweets. She made all of my old favorites, including roast beef and prime rib, even though I had told her that I now prefer to eat vegetarian.
I spent the first 25 years of my life overweight and clueless when it came to nutrition. Eventually, I decided to educate myself, and completely changed my eating habits, replacing my insanely-high carb and sugar intake with mostly veggies and plant-based proteins.
While I don't like to blame my mother for my poor nutritional choices in the past, I have to admit that over the last decade, it drove me crazy that she would basically force-feed me junk the entire time I'm in her house. She seems to just laugh when I explain my diet to her and seems offended if I turn anything down as if passing on cookies during Christmas time is a personal slap in the face.
Daddy issues
Then there's my good ole' father. I'm very lucky that now, 25 years after their divorce, my parents have become close friends, so we're all able to celebrate the holidays together. The more the merrier, right? I'm truly glad that he could be there with us, but I'm less glad that his phone seems to be permanently attached to his hand. He's become more than a little addicted to social media, and while he's present in the room, his attention seems to always be elsewhere.
The only time he is fully present is when he's gathered us all for family pictures, which usually take forever and drive my brother nuts. Especially now that he has a baby who he doesn't want to be posted anywhere on social media. So after fighting with my brother on that rule for the 100th time, he finally settles for taking our family photos without the baby so they could be posted for his loyal following.
Sibling rivalry
While we're on the subject, let me tell you about my brother. He's been sober for a decade, which couldn't possibly make my parents any happier, since they're sober too. That is until he answered my mother's endless prayers for a grandchild by getting happily married to a lovely French girl and creating the cutest bilingual baby ever. Obviously, I respect and admire him in many ways, but let's just say, I don't think the feeling is mutual.
I am more of an unconventional dreamer, but my brother likes to crush my dreams. When I wrote a book and asked for his feedback, he said why would anyone want my advice. When I told him I quit my corporate job to build my dream business, he said that at least I could always fall back on waitressing if it doesn't work out. These are just a few examples of how my brother has shown me that he doesn't believe in me, and how in turn, that made me doubt myself.
I know, I know, it's me
I don't know what your time at home is like during the holidays, but I think it's pretty normal to get irritated with family when spending so much time together, even if your family really isn't so bad. At least for the majority of my lifetime, that was normal for me. However, I'm thrilled to say that for the first time ever, this year was different.
Instead of blaming everyone around me for not making me feel accepted as I am, I decided to accept them as they are instead.
The transformation I made this year helped me learn how to observe my thoughts and emotions. Instead of reacting to or stressing over every thought that popped into my head, I learned how to let the negative thoughts go. I practiced replacing the negative thoughts with positivity and gratitude, and over time, fewer negative thoughts came up.
But I still felt anxious about spending a week at home with my family. I knew that a lot of the bad habits and limiting beliefs that had dictated my former identity came directly from them. I had learned these habits during my 20 years of living with them, and although I had worked hard to break them this year, I wasn't sure it would be so easy when back under the same roof.
I can admit when I'm wrong
Turns out, I was mistaken! Even if my family is mostly the same, I realized that I am not. By understanding that I am in control of my thoughts and feelings, it became possible to separate my emotions from reacting to their actions.
It finally occurred to me that for all these years, I was seeking their approval and validation, and then getting upset when I didn't get it. Rather than relying on them to agree with my life choices to give me confidence, I should have been confident in myself.
By believing in myself and my ability to choose what's best for me, I realized that it didn't matter what my family thought. Being sure of my decisions allowed me to choose what I wanted without succumbing to the pressure around me. It also allowed me to stop taking it personally if they disagree.
My family is not different from me or bothering me intentionally. In fact, they actually go to great lengths to try to support me and make me happy. They just don't know how.
But whose fault is that? Maybe they don't know how because I never knew how to be happy myself. Maybe they don't know how because I never clearly explained my needs. Maybe they learned habits and patterns that I disagree with from their own past experiences in society, which has nothing to do with me.
A Christmas miracle
During my time at home for Christmas this year, I discovered how to love myself and my family UNCONDITIONALLY. Instead of focusing on everything they do that bothers me, I learned to be grateful for everything else.
My mom's cooking is delicious, and while I ate some of it just to make her happy, I also opted to skip some meals so I could continue intermittent fasting. I teased her when she got offended, and realized that I didn't have to feel guilty or irritated if instead I just laughed it off.
My father is finally enjoying his life, since he spent his youth overworked and underpaid as a public school teacher, while also raising 3 kids. Now that I'm an adult, I really don't need him to take care of me, nor do I need to take care of him. So I should be happy for him and his active social life because it gives him purpose and joy, which he absolutely deserves.
Last but not least, my brother doesn't mean to doubt me. It's really his own doubts and limiting beliefs taught to him by society that prevent him from having faith in my power. He believes in taking the safe route because that's what he believes we are supposed to do. It's unfortunate that these beliefs hold him back from pursuing his own dreams, but under no circumstances do I need to apply his beliefs to me and my dreams. Instead, I hope to prove him wrong by being successful with my book and business, so that I can eventually show him just how capable we are, as long as we believe in ourselves.
All in all, I'm overjoyed with how great I feel after a week at home with my family. First of all, I'm proud of myself for shifting my thinking and behavior so drastically. I'm also proud that I have such a better understanding of my emotions, allowing me to process them healthily, instead of reacting to anything that bothers me. Finally, I'm extremely grateful for my family, flaws and all. I know that I am blessed to have such an incredible family who loves and supports me, even if I don't always agree with their methods of doing so.
The best gift ever
Whether your family drives you crazy or not, I highly recommend you let them be and turn to take a look in the mirror. I'm not saying you should blame yourself or feel guilty for any issues you have with your family. I'm fully aware that so many people have much more traumatic family history than I do. But regardless of what you've been through, I want you to know, that you have the power to decide how much it affects you!
You have the power to decide how you respond to everyone around you. You have the power to shift how you judge others' faults. You have the power to choose your identity, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You have the power to be unapologetically you, and to accept everyone else for who they are. I promise that when you step into all of this incredible power, it will transform your relationships with everyone around you, not only during the holidays but all year long!
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