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Being in love; who would’ve knew that such an idyllic feeling could be so complex and stressful at the same time. Falling in love was one of the best experiences of my life - I just wish I was more mature at the time to appreciate it.
For the longest time, even at a young age, I never thought I’d fall in love. I’ve always been over-obsessed with how I look and deeply self conscious about my weight. I often thought (on a daily basis), “If I can’t even love myself, how do I expected someone to love me?”
Looking back, I didn’t have anything to be self conscious about. I was an average looking teenage girl who was succeeding in school and living life to the fullest with her my friends. I regret complaining about being “too fat” or “too spotty” when in reality I hadn’t experienced these hurdles to their full extent. A hard pill for me to swallow was that, in fact, I was just a normal girl who was completely engulfed in her physical appearance rather than enjoying my life as a young girl.
Falling in love for the first time is a memory that I will always remember so vividly. The butterflies, a knotted stomach and an overwhelming, almost painful, fast-paced heartbeat; all emotions that will only be experienced once to their full potential.
I was only fourteen the first, and only, time I fell in love. It was unlike anything I had ever came across before. Of course, I had my “perfect idea” of what love was. The stereotypical romantic boys who will make you happy, content and bring you flowers all while making sure you feel beautiful everyday. One of my favourite romance movies, ‘Titanic’, gave me a false sense of what love was too as it gave me the impression that boys will go above and beyond to make you happy. Nonetheless, if truth be told, I didn't have a clue what it was truly similar to until I encountered it personally but it definitely was not like the movies.
Now that I have had an involvement with love, I can look back and catch sight that my view of being hopelessly enamoured was significantly exaggerated, unrealistic and couldn’t be further from truth. I can’t comprehend why I believed that love was this blissful, magical feeling that had no complications but I am so thankful I have strayed far from these far fetched, fairytale-like scenarios. I did not recognize the hard truth about love, especially about the difficulties that would be implicated.
Having such solid emotions about someone else, at only fourteen, gave me uncomfortable, uncontrollable shivers down my spine. It made me revaluate all my past beliefs, rules and boundaries. In that moment, for the first time, I got to learn what it was like to truly care for another person (aside from my family.) Everything that I had thought and once represented, suddenly vanished, seemingly at the drop of a pen. I remember this immense wave of satisfaction and pleasure rage through me as I saw a whole new side of emotion open up for me. I underestimated how strong the feeling of love was until I finally got the chance to encounter it.
When you encounter such a rush of ecstasy at such a young age it’s a lot to handle. Although, it allowed me to have a open mind about many more experiences that awaited me. Love allowed me to have a greater perspective on life; I was no longer caught up on my physical appearance, I worried less and became visibly radiant.
Unfortunately, I relied on the person I loved so substantially that I forgot how to love myself in the process. My family became less relevant; I was no longer dependent on them. I spent every breath with the man I fell in love with that I forgot about those who were there from the start. Looking back, I can see why this was a foolish mistake as there was no promising he would stay. If I could change my actions I definitely would for the simple fact that I wouldn’t of became so dependent on someone who could’ve easily been a time waste. My family and friends should’ve been my priority but when you’re in love, they become your priority and you can’t bear to spend a minute without them.
From there on in, my heart would practically do a backflip any time I got to spend time with him. I was unhealthily addicted but I couldn’t stop myself; I had no self control. All my emotions and feelings were running in overdrive. A simple smell of his aftershave could keep me feeling protected and content. Your first love makes you crazy, in the sense that, you just can’t get enough of them and wholeheartedly hope you can spend the rest of your life with them. The first experience of love makes you feel like there is no one on the planet that could compare to this one person.
Looking back, I can understand why I was so obsessed over this one man. It was a brand new feeling, sensation even, for fourteen year old me to process. I couldn’t keep any of my feelings to myself so I let them show all at once, like a toddler having a tantrum. I can see that although I've experienced different kinds of love since my first, nothing else will ever feel quite like that for the simple fact that, the first love will always be the most memorable.
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