I’ve tried to start this essay about twenty times and each time was never quite good enough, which is a perfect example of my life’s purpose because nothing I do is ever good enough for myself. That’s why my purpose in life is to finally prove to myself that the person that I want to be is the person that I am.
As I child, I was overflowing with confidence. I didn’t have to try to mask any insecurities as I was proud of every part of myself, flaws and all. Like most people, this all began to fade as I got older and matured. A combination of internal, peer, parental, societal, or any of a number of other sources always left me feeling sub-par and as if I’d never measure up to the rest of my peers, especially since I was a year younger than the majority of them. It was as though I was always one step behind everyone else and to change that, I attempted to overcompensate just to feel as though I fit in. The consequence of this overcompensating was that I set my own expectations for myself unrealistically high and would feel put down whenever I didn’t reach them, no matter how impossible they were to achieve in the first place. I was, stuck in this endless spiral of negativity, putting myself down no matter what I set out to achieve. My idea of greatness was something that I would never achieve no matter how I strived for it.
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During middle school, a variety of issues: friendship drama, discovering my sexuality, and the sheer negativity of everyone left me feeling like my rug of self-confidence had been pulled out from under me and my validity in my own eyes plummeted. Trying to recover from that drop and striving to prove to myself that I’m worthy led me to self-harm. I constantly compared myself to others and would nitpick at myself and my own insecurities, and ended up using self-harm as a coping mechanism since it helped me to feel like I could balance how negative I felt about myself or at least ignore it for a little while. I knew that it wouldn’t fix my inferiority complex or my issues with my own self-esteem, but it was one thing I could control. Thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough – just enough – for anyone to ever truly care about me consumed me and I felt the need to take it out on myself.
Today, I look to find a balance between the positives and negatives of my purpose as I finally understand that I can choose how it affects me, despite the fact that I may tend to focus on the negatives of this purpose, there are benefits as well. Overcompensating for my poor self-esteem has led me to have an intense work ethic and drive to exceed standards; I have a drive to be the best that I can be. Even though these positives may only be a wall to keep myself from focusing on the pain that I’m not worthy, they are still a bright star in a dark night and keep me pushing through. I am the maker of my own destiny and whether that be spectacular achievement or falling back into the despair I was once in only I choose where I end up.
There is a difference between success and purpose. Some people measure how successful their lives have been by their wealth, knowledge, power, or social status, but despite all of their accomplishments, their lives still lack purpose. Although success and purpose are different, to me these two concepts are very much interconnected. My purpose in life, to be good enough in my own eyes, has its upsides and downsides but nevertheless, is a very important part of who I am and who I will become in the future. I am the master of my own fate and no matter where in life my purpose may take me, it does not control me.
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