Abstract
Gratitude has consistently been shown to be beneficial in individual practice, producing a greater appreciation for the things one has and a more positive overall outlook on life (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). But only in recent years have the effects of gratitude been studied in the context of marriage and long-term partnerships. It has been discovered that gratitude strengthens the bond between couples by first, fulfilling the inherent need of the individual to feel valued and appreciated (Lambert & Fincham, 2011). It also increases the emotional bond between partners since it inspires greater appreciation of one’s spouse and reminds them of the feelings that they have for each other (Algoe, Gabel & Maisel, 2010). Gratitude also trains partners to be more aware of the things each other does for the marriage, encouraging each individual to put more time and effort into maintaining the relationship (A. Gordon, Impett, Kogan, Oveis, & Keltner, 2012). However, gratitude can lose its effect or even detract from a relationship if it is expressed insincerely or misinterpreted as indebtedness (Leong, 2012; Algoe et al., 2010). Studies on the effects of felt and expressed gratitude on marriage have shown that it can be integral in strengthening marital bonds and can help maintain a connection between spouses.
Keywords: gratitude, marriage, relationships
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Celebrating Your Spouse: How Gratitude Can Strengthen a Marriage
“All you need is love.” While The Beatles may have transformed these simple words into an iconic mantra in 1967, they didn’t seem to get it entirely right. The phrase would be significantly more accurate if it were written something like: “All you need is love – and gratitude.” Gratitude is one of the most important feelings to exist in the human species, and it is something that differentiates us from all other types of life. Being individually grateful for the things one has inarguably leads us to a greater overall appreciation for life and produces increased feelings of happiness. But what does it have to do with love? Well, it turns out love really isn’t all you need when it comes to maintaining a strong and lasting connection with the one you love the most: your spouse. Gratitude has been found to be integral in building and maintaining a strong and healthy marriage (Joel, Gordon, Impett, Macdonald & Keltner, 2013). Feeling and expressing gratitude for one’s partner has consistently been shown to create stronger, closer, and more attentive relationships, and has even proven to be more important than love alone (Bartlett, Condon, Cruz, Baumann & Destino, 2012). While love is enough to bring two people together, gratitude is the thing that keeps them that way.
Gratitude is a topic that has been studied profusely over the years, and today we seem to have a very clear understanding of the vast benefits that come from cultivating individual feelings of gratitude and thankfulness. In a personal context, we know that increased feelings of gratitude lead to a more optimistic view of life and greater feelings of overall happiness and life satisfaction (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). But not until recently have the powerful effects of gratitude been studied in the context of marriage. Studies that have been conducted on this topic support the notion that expressing gratitude in marriage greatly increases romantic connections and perpetuates long-term relationship satisfaction (Algoe, Kurtz & Hilare, 2016). It has become apparent that gratitude has similarly powerful effects on a partnership as it does on the individual which can produce a closer and stronger bond in the context of marriage. While it might feel habitual and even expected to give thanks, the reasons why it so deeply improves marital relationships go beyond habit or societal expectations.
A major reason expressing gratitude is so powerful in a marriage is that people inherently desire to be appreciated. Giving thanks to your spouse fulfills this need and makes them feel truly valued. This is not only beneficial for the receiver of thanks but also for the one expressing it since expressing gratitude leads to greater feelings of happiness (Lambert & Fincham, 2011). Another driving factor behind why gratitude is so essential to a marriage is the fact that it increases overall relationship satisfaction and emotional connection between partners. This can be attributed to the fact that being more aware of what a partner does to serve you can cause you to feel greater fondness and appreciation for them. Marriages are also strengthened through gratitude because gratitude sets off a chain reaction of sorts that pushes both partners to invest more time and energy into a relationship (A. Gordon et al., 2012). These positive functions of expressing gratitude help to create a greater appreciation for a spouse, a deeper emotional connection between partners, and a greater desire to put meaningful work into the marriage.
Lines of Argument
Fulfills the Need to be Appreciated
William James, an American philosopher and psychologist once said, “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” The desire to feel valued is one of the strongest drives in the human species and has even been described as being as vital as oxygen (Lambert & Fincham, 2011). Everyone wants to feel valued and loved in some way, and we see this desire to be the strongest among married couples (A. Gordon et al., 2012). When partners express gratitude towards one another, they are fulfilling that deeply primitive desire to feel valued. C. Gordon, Arnette, and Smith (2011) say that “An individual who expresses gratitude is not only providing a positive expression to a partner, but is also conveying an acknowledgment of, and appreciation for, the partner” (p. 339).
The expression of gratitude towards one’s partner immediately initiates positive feelings of appreciation and esteem, effectively strengthening the bond between the couple and making the person being thanked feel valued for their sacrifices and contributions (Lambert & Fincham, 2011).
“Someone who is expressing gratitude to a spouse is essentially celebrating the benefits that their spouse has brought to their life, which has the potential to leave the spouse feeling understood, appreciated, and empowered to continue providing effective and appreciated support in the marriage” (C. Gordon et al., 2011, p. 340).
In a longitudinal study conducted by Lambert and Fincham (2011), it was found that expressing gratitude for one’s partner makes them feel valued as an individual and helps to promote confidence in the relationship. Since feeling appreciated and valued is so vital to us as human beings, and even more so among married couples, it is not surprising that expressing gratitude and appreciation towards one another helps to promote stronger marital bonds.
Increases Emotional Closeness
In addition to fulfilling the inherent need to be appreciated, gratitude is also vital for the maintenance of emotional and intimate bonds (A. Gordon et al., 2012). The positive feelings produced by expressing gratitude benefits both partners in a relationship, as a study conducted by A. Gordon, Impett, Kogan, Oveis, and Keltner (2012) showed. It concluded that “people who feel more appreciated by their romantic partners report being more appreciative of their partners,” and, in turn, “people who are more appreciative of their partners report being more responsive to their partners' needs” (p. 261). This demonstrates the mutually beneficial nature of gratitude as it shows how appreciation is reciprocated among couples who feel grateful feelings toward one another. It also produces a greater awareness of the needs of one’s partner, therefore leading to greater maintenance of the relationship. Likewise, knowing that one’s partner is grateful for them increases overall happiness in the relationship, even more so than one’s own individual gratitude does (C. Gordon et al., 2011). Similarly, someone who has been the recipient of expressions of gratitude tends to feel more grateful themselves, producing a potential cycle of expressions of thankfulness that can lead to more positive emotions and closeness in the relationship (C. Gordon et al., 2011).
But observational studies have shown that relationships, and particularly marriages, already have high levels of relative trust and intimacy, and are usually abundant with helpful behaviors (Algoe et al., 2010). But Algoe, Gabel, and Maisel (2010) suggest that even in this context, genuine moments of expressed gratitude can act as a “booster shot” in a marriage. In those moments, “gratitude helps remind an individual of his or her feelings toward the partner and inspire mutual responsiveness, which serves to increase the bond between the couple” (Algoe et al., 2010, p. 225). This shows that even in relationships with high levels of helpfulness and intimacy, genuine expressions of gratitude are still powerful enough to increase emotional closeness between partners.
Encourages Relationship Maintenance
One of the most profound effects gratitude has been found to have on long-term relationships is that it inspires couples to work harder at their relationship. As genuine expressions of gratitude increase in a marriage, the relationship tends to improve because feelings of thankfulness often inspire a couple to invest more time and effort into improving the marriage (A. Gordon et al., 2012). Feelings of gratitude also cause one to promote more of what made them feel grateful for their partner in the first place, which creates a cycle of positive reinforcement and inspires more selfless acts in the marriage (Bartlett et al., 2012). Also, both expressing and receiving gratitude leads to the greater acknowledgment of a spouse’s efforts and contributions to a marriage. This is because feeling and showing appreciation for one’s partner inspires them to make more sacrifices, and both partners in a marriage are more willing to sacrifice for a relationship if they feel grateful for it (Bartlett et al., 2012). This, in turn, leads to a motivation in couples to work harder at their relationship and better meet the needs of their marriage.
Additionally, teaching oneself to recognize the good deeds their spouse does is crucial in cultivating gratitude in marriage and has very profound effects on the relationship. By learning to recognize a spouse’s efforts, a person will feel more grateful more often for their partner and will feel a greater responsibility to contribute to the relationship (Gordon et al., 2011). Appreciation for a spouse’s contributions to a relationship is absolutely vital to maintaining commitment, which is further evidence as to why gratitude is so essential to a marriage. In a study that asked participants to reflect on the daily contributions of their partner, researchers discovered that feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and trust increased, and individuals felt a greater sense of stewardship for their spouse (Joel et al., 2013). Across the board, feelings of gratitude produced greater inspiration in couples to improve the quality of their relationship and motivated them to invest more energy and time into their marriage (Joel et al., 2013). This signifies that gratitude is key in pushing couples to maintain their relationship and that recognition of a partner’s sacrifices leads to a greater appreciation for them, which produces greater overall happiness and satisfaction in a marriage.
Opposing Views
While it appears gratitude is beneficial to marriage in every context, it has been found that there are some scenarios in which gratitude may contribute nothing to a relationship or even worse, may detract from it. This is because gratitude is expressed incorrectly, and can come across as ingenuine or forced, which can make an individual in a relationship feel resentful. Another study also found that gratitude should not be confused with indebtedness, which has been shown to have no positive effect on a relationship.
Although gratitude has been widely accepted as being universally beneficial in nearly every context, it loses its positive effect if it is perceived as being ingenuine. A 2012 study on gratitude between couples found that more sudden and frequent expressions of gratitude did not consistently lead to greater happiness in married couples (Leong, 2012). It also concluded that sensing a partner’s gratitude had a more powerful effect than if they actually expressed it, and that if an individual’s expression of gratitude seems forced or ingenuine, it can actually do more harm to the relationship than good (Leong, 2012). Additionally, it has been discovered that inward feelings of gratitude can be more beneficial to a marriage than actual outward expressions (Gordon et al., 2011). This can be attributed to the fact that, since married couples tend to habitually express gratitude, deeper, inward feelings of gratitude can actually carry more meaning in the eyes of one’s partner (Gordon et al., 2011).
Another way in which gratitude may not contribute to a relationship is when it is misunderstood as indebtedness. While feeling thankful does naturally lead us to want to “return the favor,” genuine gratitude inspires thoughtful and creative ways to acknowledge the person we are thankful for. Indebtedness, on the other hand, creates a sense of “tit-for-tat repayment,” encouraging individuals to keep score of their partner’s deeds rather than truly appreciate them (Algoe et al., 2010). In fact, it was found that when an individual felt that repayment was expected, feelings of gratitude actually decreased. Feelings of indebtedness also increased the presence of negative emotions like guilt and anxiousness and hindered individuals from internalizing gratitude for the good deed (Algoe et al., 2010). In short, it was concluded that although feelings of indebtedness produce an obligation to want to “return the favor,” true gratitude is not a debt.
While these discoveries may shed light on some of the faultier functions of gratitude, they do not manage to tarnish its good reputation and the universally beneficial effect it can have on a marriage.
Conclusion
For decades, the secrets of gratitude and the abundance of benefits it can have on an individual have been examined, studied, and tested. But not until recently have the positive effects that gratitude can have in marriage been considered. Through countless studies and observations, it has been found that gratitude for one’s partner, both felt and expressed, has deeply powerful effects on the relationship.
One of the reasons for this is the fact that humans have an inherent need to feel valued and appreciated, and that desire is heightened even more so in a partnership. When an individual expresses their gratitude and appreciation for their partner, it fulfills this primal need and even inspires the benefactor to reciprocate their own feelings of gratitude in return (Lambert & Fincham, 2011). This creates a cycle of positive reinforcement, which enhances overall feelings of satisfaction and appreciation in the partnership. These expressions of gratitude in marriage also help to increase overall feelings of emotional closeness between spouses and can strengthen the bond between them. Gratitude can help to remind partners of their feelings toward one another and why they love them, thus strengthening their connection as well as their appreciation for one another. Finally, gratitude inspires both partners in a marriage to invest more time and energy into the relationship. When an individual acknowledges the sacrifices and efforts of their spouse, it influences them to give more to the marriage which ultimately leads it to improve.
Despite some opposing views that say gratitude isn’t beneficial if expressed insincerely or confused for indebtedness, the fact remains that gratitude is generally good and produces powerful outcomes when practiced in marriage.
References
- Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01273.x
- Algoe, S. B., Kurtz, L. E., & Hilaire, N. M. (2016). Putting the 'you' in 'thank you': Examining other-praising behavior as the active relational ingredient in expressed gratitude. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(7), 658-666. doi:10.1177/1948550616651681
- Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviors that build relationships. Cognition and Emotion, 26(1), 2-13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
- Chang, Y.-P., Li, T.-S., Teng, H., Berki, A., & Chen, L. (2013). Living with gratitude: Spouse’s gratitude on one’s depression. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(4), 1431–1442. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10902-012-9389-4
- Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
- Gordon, A. M., Oveis, C., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Keitner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/a0028723
- Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality & Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.10.012
- Joel, S., Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., MacDonald, G., & Keltner, D. (2013). The things you do for me: Perceptions of a romantic partner’s investments promote gratitude and commitment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(10), 1333-1345. doi:10.1177/0146167213497801
- Lambert, N. M., Clark, M. S., Durtschi, J., Fincham, F. D., & Graham, S. M. (2010). Benefits of expressing gratitude: Expressing gratitude to a partner changes one’s view of the relationship. Psychological Science (0956-7976), 21(4), 574–580. doi: https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/0956797610364003
- Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). Expressing gratitude to a partner leads to more relationship maintenance behavior. Emotion, 11(1), 52-60. doi:10.1037/a0021557
- Leong, L. T. J. (2012). Gratitude is an ongoing dyadic relationship: The effects of feeling and expressing gratitude on marital satisfaction among married couples. (2012-99100-115).
- Palmer, Kandace R. (2018) 'The Expression of Gratitude as a Contributor to Marital Strength,' Intuition: The BYU Undergraduate Journal in Psychology, 13(2), 03. Retrieved from https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/intuition/vol13/iss2/3
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