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Homes are fundamentally an aspect of self-identity, we use them to differentiate ourselves from others, and present a physical appearance that expands beyond oneself. Having a home, however, is a universal concept no matter how straightforward the term is perceived. The notion may vary throughout individuals and lifestyles. My abstraction of 'home' was transformed as I grasped what the simple term had truly meant for me.
I vividly remember when I was eight years old, and I went on my first subway and train ride. I was instructed to visit my father, blatantly unaware of the alternative truth I would discover. Ever since that day my world has been a chaotic divergence between Manhattan and Long Island, as I started to live a parallel life with members of my family I barely knew. Hours of my life each month were spent commuting from one house to another, always alone. These train rides became a place where I was left in solitude to think, do what I desired, and build my self-awareness of my current living environments. Everything that mattered to me since then had taken place on these trains: I had discovered my aspirations for the future and fostered my love for creativity- specifically reading, writing, and drawing. On the train, I was able to figure out who I was without the constant criticism of my family who was supposed to be the pillar that upheld my 'home'. The ardent hostility that was invariably present at my 'homes' no longer existed when I was on the train. The majority of my childhood was spent being taught that these two houses were my home, that these two destinations would by definition - be the places I could grow independently, be most comfortable, and feel safe. Year after year my perception of home would substantially differ.
My ‘home’ was found not within the walls of a house filled with people I had known, but for me, it was found on this way of transportation occupied by strangers. The houses I had lived in my whole life never provided me with a constant happiness or meaning, allowing me to gain the competence to deal with any obstacle that would present itself to me. My independence and motivation throughout my childhood grew rapidly as the years passed. At the time it seemed obvious to me, that one day I would be my own person, that I wouldn't have to constantly take these train rides to trivial destinations. Family for me had always been an abstract concept which I was never able to understand. I had always believed that it was normal to live the way I did, entering and leaving houses without really ever growing up in them, but instead using them as a learning experience. Throughout high school, I anticipated my future; changes I desired to make in my own life that would be necessary to achieve the successful future I had always imagined for myself.
The independence that I gained unknowingly at the time because my background has unquestionably been a contribution to the woman I have become. The realization from a young age that all I had was myself was a confusing yet worthwhile concept that resonates with me to this day. The strength that I have gained throughout my childhood has allowed me to face the chaotic world that resembles my life with confidence and a desire to be something better than what I had known.
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