There comes a time in every person’s life when they think that they are too cool for their parents, usually during their teenage years. At the bright, young age of 13, this is exactly what I thought. I went through this stage in my life with the most carefree attitude. I thought I was an independent. I spent most of my time with my friends, not thinking about my family. I was on top of the world until I wasn’t.
On March 12, 2017, Sunday, I was out with my friends. We were having a great time. I remember my best friend was making a joke about a dog when my phone rang. I answered it and my world came crashing down. My aunt called me to say that my mom was rushed to the hospital and was now on life support. Time stopped. I could not think or feel anything. I was picked up by my family and when we got to the hospital, all I remember was seeing a flat line. I cried for what felt like hours until the doctors asked me if I wanted them to continue resuscitating her. I don’t remember what I told them. All I could think about was how I didn’t say “I love you” to her that morning, or even last night, not even in the last few days. That is my biggest failure.
As a child, we do not have a lot of things we have to do for our parents. They’re the ones who do all the work to give us the best life we can possibly have. My mom was a superhero, She wasn’t just my mother, she was also my dad. She loved me so much. Our parents love us so much and they tell us every day. The least we can do, as children, is to tell them we love them. Sometimes, we don’t even do that.
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After my mom died, this was the only thing I could think about not saying I love you. I was overridden with guilt. I kept thinking that I failed her because she died without knowing that I loved her. So I kept saying it, all the time. There were times that I would randomly say, “I love you, Mommy.” To this day, I still do.
Thinking about it now, I know why I didn’t say I love you frequently. I thought it made me uncool. I thought it was embarrassing to say it, to say what I felt. Come to think of it, most people are like that, and not just when it comes to our parents but in most of our relationships too. We almost never express our feelings because we are too scared. Scared of embarrassment, rejection, and regret. Maybe scared to take a risk or a leap of faith. We are so scared, we don’t say we love you. We don’t say the things we really want to. And because we’re afraid, we say too little, we do not say enough, or sometimes, we say nothing at all.
Life is short, so incredibly short. It passes you by, and you will not notice it. Now, I make sure to say I love you multiple times a day, to my family, to my friends, and to people who mean a lot to me. Some think I say it too much that it has lost its meaning, but as long as I’m sincere, I know that isn’t true. I live my life one day at a time. One I love you after the other. I’ve realized that in the next moment, you may not have the chance to say it anymore. So I tell people I love them. I’ll compliment someone’s shirt or their shoes. I’ll tell someone they look nice today. I don’t want to regret not doing something ever again. What I have learned is to say what I feel to the people I feel it for. I am not scared of saying I love you anymore, I am scared of saying too little. Oftentimes, I still wish to turn back time hoping that I could tell my mom I loved her before she died. I don’t think I will ever get over it or move on, but I have learned from it. There are times to hold back and hide, and there are times to let go and express. Saying I love you is not a time to hold back.
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