I have decided to write my life and what it was like to me being in care and how difficult I found it to fit in with other students and how my whole life I have found it hard to cope with going through what I have.
The form of text I have decided to show this off is an autobiography. I feel like this is the best way to show off my work because it shows my story and what I have been through. I feel like an autobiography was the best way to showcase my work since it is my life and how I feel.
Writing an autobiography to me interests me more than saying something like a blog because I can write more in the autobiography and I feel like I want others to know what I have been put through rather than just a select group of people. I want people to know what it feels like to be different rather than having a normal life.
To me, my life has never been normal with being moved to and from foster carers and in between homes because of being told different reasons all changing but the person I more trust is my mum. I had been raised in being told that I was in carer because my mum never loved me or because my mum never wanted me. To find out that my whole life I have been put in care and that my mum was wanting me back from day one. I also know that I can trust my mum more because the carers I were living with said that my mum never wanted me back and if they could have it their way and they tried to adopt me and my sister. I knew they were lying when my brother went home which left me heartbroken because it wasn’t from my own brother I learned it. I was very close to him growing up.
To start with my autobiography I researched different types of autobiographies like Anne Frank, and Jennifer Worth and even looked at other autobiographies of different people who have been or who are going through the foster system. Reading through them I felt myself being more upset I don’t know if it’s because I have been through the same fate or because of how different they were treated to how I was treated. I feel like it’s important for people to know that not every person is raised with care. I mean my carers were horrible to me, my sister, and my brother. Sure they took us away and everything and they took us to different places and then took us away and everything and sure we still have some good times with them but however, behind closed doors they were different. They treat us more like vermin rather than children and I knew I had to grow up faster and not really have a childhood. They treat us differently from other children our age and to their own and tried to reason that it’s because they are their kids. Like how they made me and my sister go to clubs every night so they could go out for a meal and they made sure that we only ate a bit. Or the fact that they use to weigh our food out and made us lose weight and make us underweight when we returned to our mum. Or the fact that never let us have sweets unless it was a special occasion which only ended up being on holiday. Or the fact that they managed to rob me and my sister blind and we never knew. All because we were going to Florida Orlando and I and my sister wanted to go to one particular park and well social services paid for us and they made me and my sister give them the money for the two of us to go. I use to hate it. I use to hate how they treat my brother and my sister and me. Even their other foster kids that they were looking after before us. It wasn’t until we got back in with our mum that we found out that they were in question about something they did well more the woman and her two sons rather than the male. But it was still bad.
Being in care was one of the hardest things for me. I also wrote the autobiography because of how I feel now. I look back and remember them more as villains rather than a nice family. Like I said ‘ I think there were only two lots of carers that I and my sister stayed with that never treat us any differently than their own kids.’[] I was only ever in two foster carers who actually cared about me and my sister and my brother. I wish there was more but there isn’t.
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Another reason I have decided to write about the specific topic of my life along with my sister and brother-in-care is that I have never actually really done something like this before. I wanted to show people the troubles I faced because people look at me and sometimes just pinpoint that I had a good life and that with the close connections I have with my brother and sister that there is no reason behind it but there is. I wish that people would see that more which is why right now it’s harder for me to feel like I am because I never had my brother in my life much growing up and now with everything else going on with him I feel like I can’t actually breathe properly since it been harder on the whole family. My mum went from not having him to not having him again to go back and forth and now finds it hard to maintain what has happened. However, I went from not having him there in my life to having him to not having him and then back to not, and now I find it harder with me growing up because when he was there he was there and helped me through the most troubling times of my life and now he isn’t there to help me all over again. I feel like I’m in this void and I can’t get back out of it. With the loss of my granddad not too long ago as well and he was always there for me growing up. He let me and my sister still go and see him even when the carers did ring our mum up to say not to bother going to see us because we were too busy. Then they ring him to tell him that his daughter is ill.
Right now my whole life just feels empty and that it’s a waste. I feel like I can hardly breathe every time I think of my past life I want everything to end so suddenly that I feel like I can’t really talk to anyone about anything that has happened. I had my brother and now he is gone since he was being an idiot I have my sister but she doesn’t enjoy talking about our past with my mum it just upsets her so much that she couldn’t help us more growing up and how she has missed the different aspects of our life like she wasn’t there when we started secondary how she wasn’t there when we went through all the harder times and my granddad who I usually talk to things like this with is no longer here. Sure he would make a joke but that’s how he has always been about everything. He always knew how to put a smile on my face and I am still not over his death. I still feel like he is here. That he is where he used to live and sitting in the window reading. I wish he was still here though.
Another key point of my autobiography is to tell people that it’s ok if you feel like how you are it’s only natural after being moved away from your parents but it will eventually get easier. To this day I still feel like it’s my own fault that I went into care even though I know it’s not but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. I feel like I want everything to stop and even more on some days I feel like I need more comfort than days that I don’t. When I am down and depressed I feel like being on my own so I do. I never talk to anyone and keep myself to myself. I know it’s stupid because when you’re alone you think more which is why my family is trying to get me out of it but I think back to what I would have missed if I did just end it all. I wouldn’t be with my family now. I wouldn’t be where I am. Sure at times, I think to myself that I would go back and change everything and I would make it seem like I wouldn’t have anything change but I would. If I could my whole life would be different.
Looking through my autobiography I feel like I want to continue my own autobiography to inform people more about my life and how I have had trouble I would make it seem more in chronological order of events that happened instead of the way that I have written it this time. I would make sure that I have had the key points in my life and added more to what I thought and felt at the times in my life and how I would have changed it through my life to see it in a new light rather than what I am seeing it right now.
Looking at the works of Jennifer Worth’s memories ‘Call the Midwife’ I liked the idea of how Jennifer Worth wrote about her life in the east end and how she overcame different tasks that she wanted to achieve in her life and wrote it like a story or more specifically of other people playing the characters. So if I continued I would like to do something like that and make myself a person and my life is shown through someone else’s eyes rather than my own to show the different aspects of life I have ever been through so that way people know that not all life is what it seems.
The exercise that inspired me to write about my life is growing up I never had any help. I just had to take each day as it came and I never knew that life could be living I felt like I was more closed off to the world rather than in it as though I was just an observer rather than the person living it. I would have liked someone to tell me differently than what I have had throughout my life is worth what I have had now. I would have liked the idea of someone telling me that everything would be ok and that I would be safe even if I was away from my mum.
Looking back now through the whole life writing process I feel like I now know that it has a deeper meaning behind it instead of just one lot of facts that life writing can be about anything that you want it to be.
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