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I wonder how things would have turned out for me if I was satisfied with just being me if I knew how many things I would end up losing, or if I knew how to be honest sooner.
Struggling with an eating disorder, I have lived my whole life as a lie. I lied about how much I ate, I lied about how often I ate, and I lied about what I did after I ate. Not being able to handle my emotions, thoughts, and compulsive behavior I started to self-treat myself; I isolated myself from the world and lived with my own set of rules. I hid in a closet so I could avoid having a conversation because I knew that another lie would come out of my mouth. I became very skilled at hiding, isolating, and lying all in an attempt to continue my behavior; this was the only way I could manage the unmanageability of my behaviors. All of these uncomfortable feelings and experiences seemed to be completely out of control, and this illusion of addition felt like the only thing I could control, but it was quite the opposite. Lying had become an integral part of me and it eventually all came crashing down; I lost my close net of friends, I lost potential sports scholarships and somewhere I lost myself.
Growing up, I never thought about nor had any issues with the way my body looked or my weight. I don’t remember wanting to look like anyone else but me. My dad used to tell me ever since I was four I wanted to play professional soccer- this interest may have started due to my family's obsession with the game itself. After moving to the States I was enrolled in a local soccer club, and since then my love for the game just grown. Through the sport I met my best friends who became inseparable, we did everything together; school volleyball, soccer, student council, and everything outside of school. That is probably why freshmen year has passed by quickly and why I did not obsess over my body. It was only until the end of the school year- that a health advisor came to one of our practices to talk about a healthy eating lifestyle that triggered my obsession with my weight.
My summer before going into sophomore year I started building thoughts about “what if”- “what if I cut this out from my diet.” “Why?” “It's good for my health” I would say. This was not uncharacteristic of me to do since I was an athlete and my health guru mom was just proud of me for eating righteously. I started working out every day; I would go around the trail behind our house once a day which became twice a day. Something inside me was still not satisfied with the way I looked so midway through the summer I started devolving ways to disrupt my diet. To take suspension out from the dinner table, I would eat more than usual and later make myself purge. My mind knew this was wrong and unhealthy but I could not help counting calories or weighing myself every hour. My mind had spiraled out of control and with that so was my friend. Because I was so invested in how I wanted to look, I was slowly drifting away from my friends. Consumed with alien-like behavior, setting new goals to fit into smaller sizes was all I thought about. This change of personality was evident, from an extroverted, happy-go-lucky girl to a very antisocial, nobody.
I began to lie about more and more. I lied about why I wasn't feeling well enough to go to school, I lied about why I couldn’t make it to my soccer games. Soon my friends started to tell me I “needed to change” I immediately became offended. After all the struggle and hard work of reaching a weight I was satisfied, they wanted me to change. I was confused. All of a sudden I cared about what others had to say to me. Every time someone offered a piece of advice about the recovery I very much needed I resented them and told them I was perfectly fine. I wasn't fine, I needed help- it was my eating disorder that had complete control over me. All the talent and potential I once had as a Soccer player was destroyed. My passion for soccer was swept away, as I was too weak. The one thing I’ve dreamed of becoming was somehow unreachable. When all my friends were attending their soccer games I locked myself in my room, I realized how much I had lost. I knew I did not want to continue lying I was ok knowing how much I had lost already.
As someone who went through the process of recovery, I cannot reiterate how recovery has made my life easier. It will be one of those hard life-changing choices you have to make, where you start realizing the lies inside you had made you believe. You no longer have to deal with pitiful stares, disappointed school grades, self-hate, or the lies the voices instruct you to utter. Asking for help and accepting it was what saved me from digging my own grave. To be able to gather my courage and speak about what I went through allowed me to find myself. Millions of young adults go through this and many of them like me are torn between continuing to tell lies to satisfy their voice and being tired of fighting and digging their graves. The only way out of any struggle is by having the courage to accept and speak the truth about what you’re going through. Looking back, my experiences have impacted every part of my life, I’ve accepted the way I am, and though it's still a struggle to not want to look a certain way; I learned to call out on my lies.
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