To My Mom:
Why did you have to leave when you did? Why are you not here to watch and support my successes? Not having a mom through my teenage years is the hardest thing ever. I have had to teach myself things. I’ve had to learn how to cook and clean by myself, I’ve had to teach myself everything that a normal teenage girl’s mom would teach her. I had to pick up the “mom” role and had to take on a lot of responsibilities a normal teenager would not have. Sometimes I wish that you were here to give me the advice I need when I am struggling.
There is still so much I don’t know in this world, but I’m gonna have to teach myself that $h!t too. I don’t have you to stick up for me when everyone else is against me. I don’t have you to pick me up and tell me everything's gonna work itself out. I do not have you to hold me while crying and tell me everything's gonna be ok. I don’t have you here to say the right thing because you always knew what to say. I know that it wasn’t your fault why you left, but still not having you here is the hardest thing in the world. There is still so much you have not taught me and never will be able to.
Sometimes I question why you didn’t want to do anything to help and improve your health so that you could be here for me throughout my life. I do not understand why you just didn’t try. You are the best person I know and now I don’t have you here beside me. When I fall and feel like giving up I have to go back and think about all those times you said that no matter how tough this may be the storm will pass. I realize you always told me to be strong because you knew I would have to be for your loss. You have taught me to be a kind, strong, loving person and just having that really means the world to me. Even though you are not here to teach me things, you have taught me to be a good person and that is what really matters. You showed me that there are genuinely good people out there, but there are also manipulative people. Telling me I need to have a hard shell because life has many, many curve balls that are gonna knock me down and it is my choice whether or not I am gonna let those things keep me down or get up and keep trucking along. Some days are harder than others, but you taught me that giving up is never the way no matter how hard it may be. Only having you in my life for 14ish years is tough but through those years, you have given me the best advice anyone has ever given to me. I cannot express how much I miss you, I will never be able to go back on the things I did, but as you told me everything happens for a reason.
I remember when you were here like it was yesterday. I remember when I was in my room and one day you came in and told me this quote that I will never forget. “There are no limits to what you can accomplish, except the limits you place on your own thinking.” That really stuck with me because as I got older I started to understand the meaning of the saying more. You made me believe that I can accomplish anything that I want in life as long as I have the mindset. You used to tell me that I was so strong and that you were not worried about me because you knew that I was strong even when I fell. Without you here telling me these things every day is hard but I just go back and think of what you said and know that it is gonna be all ok and that I’m gonna get through this because I can push forward. Most of the time I don’t have the right thing to say but just thinking back to how you were made me want to be like you. You make me want to be a better version of myself and for that, I am extremely grateful because I am always wanting to improve myself for the better. I go back often to look at videos of us just being goofballs and seeing how funny you were in situations, and how you could make any day better. Those little things are what make me look back and really appreciate the moments we did have together.